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He makes me feel so dumb. I understand I shouldn't be around people who make me feel like that. However, he is very intellectual and I highly attracted to that. I need to be around that. I need my husband to resemble those traits. I could never be his, he doesn't see me as ever being that way. I personally believe he just does not see me as a fit, as some who's at his level. Which I'm not, I'll admit that. But there is something about him that I need more of. He is so passionate about the things he talks about. He helps me see things from another point of view that makes sense, and that I try to push to the back of mind but it's actually true.
In the contrary though, he does call me names (jokingly) that I very much rather not be called. "Nigger" "colored fuck" it's all in negative connotation I guess that's just how he messes around but it truly does bother me. And he's known this for awhile.
I know sley views him as a threat. I know Sley knows how much he means to me and he for sure knows how he has a lock on me. Sley knows so much about how I feel about Joshua. J has rejected me and Idk it still pains me everytime I think..."if we were together" sometimes I'm in so deep i start thinking "when we're together" I'll never be her. And if it is it's something that I really want, and something he's forced into. Just like it was with Nathan. It's so bad that when i slip into that in between world, it's his name that escapes my mouth. When i wake up needing to feel cuddled it's him i think of. I don't want that when I'm with sley.
About Sley. He's supposed to be the perfect one for me all in all. Maybe there is no perfect one for me..?
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