Notes

Euna,
This is a reply to the note that you sent me earlier. I am writing this note before I go to visit the hospital again tonight. Who knows...maybe I'll see my Filipino "friend" again lol. Yesterday when I was in the hospital I thought to myself "I'd consider working in a hospital in a different country but can I do that?" it would be something I consider as well as being a police officer. I haven't told you but I am also considering being a border force officer. Do you know what that is? Finding immigrants basically/checking visas...etc... I am glad that you appreciate the gifts I sent you. I make a lot of effort towards you and it is unlikely that I would make that much amount of effort towards anybody. I make that effort because you are not here with me and I still wanna make you feel special. Of course, if you were here you would see how special you are to me but sending you gifts is the best thing that I can do, physically anyway.

Yes, I will wait until you have decided what to buy me and when. Anything from you will be enough for me, it's you isn't it? I am happy that I guessed your size correctly otherwise it would've been a disaster if the jumper was too small or too big...too big, you're not a big mamma!

Talking about my relationship now. I love her, I do. Maybe she reacts the way she does because I don't understand her enough. I do try my best in my relationship because my relationship means a lot to me. It's even the longest relationship that I have had, so it is something special for me and I don't wanna lose that. She makes me happy of course but at the same time sad for various reasons but I know that I wouldn't be the same if we weren't together.

"Don't give too much" I know what you mean by this but I can't help it. I am that kind of person, maybe I give too much to people but I don't receive enough back.

Okay, my feelings are gonna spill out now about how I really feel here...
Lately yes, I have been feeling alone due to a number of reasons. The main one is that my best friend has moved away and I am finding it hard to arrange to meet anyone anymore. You could say that I don't have any real friends here that I can meet up with or go out to places with. I feel as if I have lost that confidence and expressing myself towards people, as if I can't be bothered anymore. 50% of me wants to be alone and the other 50% wants to be out with others. The next reason is because of my mother...I just want her to be healthy and better. I see that other mothers and daughters are able to go out together and spend time with each other but me and my mother can't do that due to her illness. I know she loves me, I know because she told me in the hospital and she called me the name she has always called me since I was a child "angel cake" yeah, it sounds soppy or daft whatever you wanna call it but that is what she has called me. I am not looking forward to my birthday or Christmas. What can I do for my birthday? Nothing. I have no one here to celebrate it with, I mean friends wise and I doubt any of my "friends" that I think are my friends are gonna bother to organise something for me. None of my friends have organised anything for me when it would come to my birthday. As for Christmas it hasn't been that same feeling since my nonna passed away. We used to go to her house every Christmas but now we just spend Christmas at home but it hasn't got that same happy warm feeling anymore. I can't even remember the last time someone has really made me laugh.

Anyway that is how I feel inside and that is what plays on my mind most of the time.
I best head out to the hospital now and also I best wrap up warm as it's cold outside.
You can reply to this note when you've got time.