Notes

Some nerve...

Before you left for Berlin, you sent me hearts, I love yous, praise for who I am to you. You even apologized for how you're acting and assured me not to worry about us. While I spent days confused, worrying about how I could make a small difference, you didn't give me a thought. Little did I know that was your plan. You used me. You used my love and affection as a footstool. This Christmas, you plagued my mind. Why does she take days to respond to simple friendly messages? Why can't she smile at me or hold a conversation over facetime? Why can't she take 2 seconds to respond to a snap completely irrelevant to any of our problems? Why is she sending me "how are you :))" at half past midnight when I know she's going to sleep in the next few minutes? Why is Seana messaging me "how are you doing <3" after not talking for a week? Why hasn't she accepted my sisters insta request (miniscule yet meaningful)? I let everything slide and it stabbed at me. I trusted that you had been honest with me. Our road had potholes for now. We would work things out because we love each other. I suffered and then turned out to be hopelessly mistaken. My Christmas and family time was ruined.

You have been feeling heartbroken. You have been depleted. You have been cursing the world for how unfair it is. All the while I was by your side. It was a pleasure to meet and enjoy time with your mom. I enjoyed forging friendships with your friends. I call them your friends because, as close as we were, not one will be there for me. I accepted that your life is painful and you need extra care. I was emotionally and mentally ready for all of your worries. I did not expect much of you, nor did I ask for it. Honesty, however, cannot be foregone in a relationship. You were dishonest about your feelings towards me. You were dishonest about what ran through your mind every minute you spent with me. I should've forced you to talk to me. I cared too much and couldn't bear to make you cry. Perhaps I became clingy; perhaps I clung to something that wasn't there.

You were dropping hints and, for the most part, I cared too much to pick them up. Blinded by the beautiful memories we had shared; I believed we could overcome anything. Blindsided, you've been contemplating breaking it off for the past two weeks?! Where was the memo? A definitive text a couple weeks later once you were sure? You needed to be sure that you were over me? No room for conversation? My words and feelings did not factor into your thought process. Then you tell me you want to break it off amicably, so we can both cherish the memories we had. That didn't come as a surprise to me, for once, because you were getting loved and pampered the entire relationship. I don't need to drop examples. I've had some time to realize why I was feeling unconfident, insecure, uninspired. Every bit of myself I put out there for you was used and tossed away. In the beginning, it was amazing. We established the hearth of our fire in the south of France, then stoked the flames in Paris. We fed that fire when we saw each other because your gaze lit me, inside and out, ablaze. I plucked at your heart and distracted you from your cruel world. As time trudged on, each ounce of my gestures became increasingly insignificant although I was so happy to do anything I could for you. Disillusioned, I threw logs, kerosene, printer paper in our fire but that requires a flame, which you were dousing every day. You extinguished this hearth with a bucket of ice water after slowing squirting at it for months.

After enduring what I did to make you crack a smile, you want to teach me a lesson on courtesy... a few messages before breaking up a year of our lives spent together over text... I have obviously changed in your perception of me. I don't know who you think I am but there is no place for such disrespect in my life. I would never treat any of my friends the way you did me. After crying through Christmas holidays (I'm sure you went through something similar), I've had a lot of time to think about what has come out of this relationship. Many of the things I've learned, I realize, were birthed from your judgements of me. Smoking, vaping, occasionally doing other drugs, lack of care for school, difficulty with friends. In some, you were supportive while others, your involvement stopped after making me feel shitty about myself. I accepted your judgements because I trusted you had no condescension, instead, you worried for me. I was willing to change little things that, I agree, would help me grow. I've quit nicotine, I've slowed my smoking, I'm working out. These sprouts grew from a seed of discomfort you buried in me which has had really negative effects on my psyche.

Some nerve you have calling me shitty. You've decided that this relationship is over... so be it. However, if you want my friendship in the future, you will have to regain my trust because I've lost much of mine in you.