Notes

i thought about what you said earlier..and before that.. all those times you've told me: speak up, don't confuse and twist things.
I am letting it all out right now, whether or not it's too late to do so. Whether or not we stay together.
you have eyes, and yet you don't know whats true about your self image. Or at least how I see it, since we all see a harsher version of ourselves.
I don't want you to have to hide from me because you're scared of the way I look at you or the new answer I'll give.
so here goes
"why cant you talk to me?" well, i am not an overflowing well of words that i am holding back. When you suddenly stop talking and hand me the mic to speak up, I'm at a loss for words. Its partially because i feel like i have to wear a filter. I'm scared of how you will take it and even on small unrelated topics i hold my tongue in case it triggers bad memories. Of course its good to have control of what I say, but I've taken it to a whole new level and don't say anything and it troubles you and the entire relationship. its also because I feel spited. "Well, I'm quiet now, go ahead", or "i know for a fact you wont say anything" its.. down casting and it shuts me down, un-motivates me to even try.
"why do your answers change?" honestly, at first you weren't that cute. something about your look got me interested. times gone on, your face and body have "leveled up" and sometimes i referred mentally to back then, i cant explain why, it was a mental thing. I'm sorry for the stress because of it. Your'e sick of the answers and i personally think we are both sick of the questions. We want each other to be happy and were dealing with it in different ways. I do it with sweet words, quirky acts that make you giggle, making mementos, and well lets be straight, my body and touch. you do it by sacrificing your..lots of things, making me laugh when i didn't think i could, anyway. What i'm trying to say is,I don't have to think twice about whether or not you look good. You do. If you break up with me because of that answer then...okay. We cant go on. You look good and that's a fact, over come your sad and depressing thoughts about it and just accept it. All along you've been confused and upset about it and so have I, I have been because what I thought was true was angrily dismissed by you and I am a very formidable person if you hadn't noticed. I go with the flow like you say, that's part of who I am but you opened up my eyes on it by saying that because when you were down in the dumps and piled on the "ugly etc." i began to go with it and sadly I caused a lot, a lot of drama and pain for you. a shit ton to be exact. and i take the blame for that. I am sorry for treating you like a guideline and not defending you using my own sincere feelings about it. Because i became part of your mind in a psychological disaster in which I answered your questions that were meant for (kira) but was answered by yourself. I become very similar to the people I interact with and forgive me if i sound like im trying to make an excuse, but I cant deny that that was an actual part of the problem. I am embarrassed of the way i didn't try for you. I am ashamed of how you pleaded to me in tears and I couldn't answer you. Here it is. I am forever sorry for the time it took to tell you. I took the time that was needed to actually think and not pretend to, only to try to wing it the next time we spoke. Im not too good at winging it. I am now clear minded and open for questions if I may only ask that you ask them in a calm way. You were always the one putting your self out there but now is my turn and you can take however long you wish to answer me. Before you jump to claim I am a liar, a bullshitter, and a sweet talker, and a selfish person for pushing you to keep going with me.. well, go ahead. After everything that ive said, i don't blame you. These are words I will not regret no matter how many times you shame for for saying them. They are true to me and true to logic. you are an amazing person that deserves a trustworthy partner. i have been stripped of all trust medals and i hope one day i get whole trust from you. it comes with time and dedication, not just key words. but i am confident with my words and if you disagree then that is your own self putting you down. im not going with your flow anymore and am fully firm with my own perspective. you wont move me from my input on your image anymore. you are what you are so please for your sake and mine, don't wallow in self doubt. don't tell me that " we both see it" its all you now. I see sexy, beautiful, manly, welcoming and lovable. I hope you decide whats true about you soon so you don't waste anymore happy times. You owe it to yourself to take a handup from other's encouragement. imagine this: your broken wrist now has a mind of its own. It says aloud, I will never be better! but you know that it will, if it wears the cast long enough. If you take the cast off, he will not get better and break only further. You cant take the cast off when you start to get better, because it will be easily broken again. Patience, and you will be better and strong.