Notes

I'm just going to put this here.

You know. I've changed the kanji for Ken, with 謙, that means "modest". And I have started to have some lessons about it since then.

So, I've been wondering for the last couple of days about what I really like. Then I happened to see Ann retweeting some snaps of the sky and planets. Which is quite rare of her to do so. The retweets made me remember that I'm quite into astronomy (then later on find out that I like geology, not as much as astronomy tho). This is the kind of "like" that makes me go hours of browsing, watching, then reading.

Then I stumbled upon that video that I shared with you. It is a very simple video. But it made me realized how insignificant human is. It taught me about modesty.

Earlier today, I also found this speech and the video about it.
https://twitter.com/NyctophiliacEgo/status/809234865388474368 (I sent the link to your LINE).
We are just a tiny little dust of the universe. It taught me more about being modest.

And I thought, I was actually a bit hesitating of using that "modest" kanji to be my DN. Since I thought, to be modest, maybe I will encounter some humiliating situations. Well, it doesn't work like that. At least, not at the begining. The universe taught me delicately.

Maybe, being separated from Ariya, is also a part of the journey of being modest. Because, for quite a long time, I knew that she would go away. That she would be better off without me. Stepping into new paths, opening up new doors. She's in that step now. And by that, it also means that I am being freed.

The signs and the clues were enough to make me realized, that the friendship (or in some ways, for me, I thought it was like soul mates relationship) was going nowhere. Because it was not just a friendship, but it was also a friendship. That's why, I think, we needed to be freed.

I have stopped stalking her CA since I sent the flower and message. Decided to mute Daisy (her closest friend in RPW), since seeing Daisy's tweets only reminds me more of Ariya.
Her message, the reply to my message, well, it confirmed that we really are at the ending point.

Of course. I'm still far far FAR away from being at peace with myself. Having depression disorder tendency, and some OCD, really make things not that easy to go through.

I'm sad, but also not sad.
You know. The kind of feeling like you have done your part, and you can no longer be part of the picture.
The kind of feeling that you have when you are about to die, and you're finally letting things go and all.

I'm still thinking to be not exist. No, not suicidal or anything. But simply not being exist.
So, although I know that I am free, I am still faraway from fine. But, that's okay, and also not okay. It just means that I have to move forward little by little. Kinda like the time I was obese, and need to lose at least 20+ kilos. In the end, I ended up losing almost 30 kilos.

Those are my lessons so far.

So, a name is a prayer. Keep that in mind when you have kids someday, or if anyone ever ask you to name their children. Because that prayer will come true, if only you pay closer attention to the universe.