Notes

Okay Well since we aren't really a thing anymore, I have nothing to lose and if you do end up hating me it won't hurt as much since we already broke up. So I've decided to be open with you and tell you everything. So here it goes. before I went to Lebanon I was pretty good. Once there I was bullied and beat up constantly. Literally humiliated. My parents cared a little but not enough so I had to deal with it myself. I'd fight to defend myself only to get hit and in trouble with the teachers. And by hit I mean hit hard, with sticks and shit. I remember getting into 3 fights in one day just defending myself and after the  3rd time getting sent to the principles office I was literally begging and crying for the bald fuck to not hit me. Anyways I got through it just fine and quickly made friends with all the kids after a year of working my way up.  About 2 years into living in Lebanon, things were better and I was happier. Until some more bullshit happened and I began waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of my parents having sex. I knew what was happening and  I was just sick to my stomach and idk I can't explain how it felt but it was one of the worst feelings ever. I'd just cry quietly in my bed. This went on for a while(lol that's why I have younger siblings.) Anyways I got over that as well and eventually came bsck to Canada. I've never told you the reason for my depression in grade 8 but initially what made me super depressed was finding a letter my mom had written and she wanted to die. She absolutely hated my father and I think but I don't remember, she was sick of her kids' shit but for whatever the reason and she really only loved my younger sister. She said that she was going to kill herself soon(spoiler alert she never did it) in the letter and that the letter was for my sister and that my grandmother would give it to her when she turned 18. It would basically say that she loves her so much and always did and that even though she's going through so much at the moment, my sister was worth it all. Anyways after reading that along with things from the past I was done and slowly spiraled down. I would cry every night and skip school almost every day. I felt responsible and just seeing that the person I loved most wanted to die and doesn't really care about me was enough. I began developing my fear of dying in fear of not being there for my younger siblings if my mom were to die. And so I played with them and forced myself to smile around them. But by the end of the long school year I decided to just fuck it and I stopped giving a shit. Not sure why but something just ticked and I wasn't sad anymore but I wasn't happy, I just didn't care. That's when I started to grow physically and change through puberty and working out. I guess the puberty and sadness ended up maturing me but it did more than that. I was emotionless. Sooner or later in grade 9 I began interacting with girls. I never dated any or kissed any, I'd just lie to them. I'd promise them love and care only to manipulate them to eventually send me nude photos of themselves that I would later on save and compile. I felt no remorse or guilt and I did it over and over again. Slowly I was just lying none stop. Girl after girl, all of them believed I was sweet and charming and loved them but I didn't really care at all. I even hated a lot of them but it was so easy to just tell them how beautiful they were and that they're everything to me(of course these were lies). I just used them and then slowly stopped talking to them after I've gotten what I wanted or when they'd want more from me and would try to get closer. I'd string them on for months or even years just to accomplish what I wanted. I felt a little less worthless from the pictures I guess. And they did their job. My friends praised me for it and literally started calling me "nudes god" which is another reason I didn't want you seeing any of them( I didn't want you to find out anything from them and they weren't really nice so sorry.) Anyways I kept this up until this summer( when I met the girl from Ireland and basically for once in my life genuinely loved someone. I felt that that's what I really wanted and so I was finally happy. But now she ignores me for weeks and makes up some bullshit excuse even though she clearly never thought of me before falling asleep like I did, ignoring me completely after flat out reading it.) Anywho after falling for her, i vowed to delete every picture I had when I turned 18 and until then I wouldn't ever do what I had done again.  Well then I met you. Whether it be by fate or who knows, I did and I'm glad I did. I still remember seeing you take a seat in front of me at that coffee place in indigo. My heart literally skipped a beat and just wow. Okay lol anyways (I've said anyways like 8 times dude my apologies) remember that one day where I asked you if I should delete nudes from a girl I had? You said yes. That night I deleted them all. All 500 and some pictures and videos from guys(yeah turns out gay guys are kinda similar to girls and way easier. Also straight guys and fake pictures but yeh anyways) and girls I manipulated. And for that I thank you. Now I was going to do it soon anyways but well hey you made it quicker. Not to mention that you confirmed something for me. You confirmed that there are good people in the world and people can change. You really are my beautiful inspiration, I meant what i said that one special night. You were everything I wanted to be and everything I wanted. So seriously thank you. You made me believe that even though I really was a demon I didnt need to stay as one and I changed. What I did in the past was nothing but me trying to find a reason to live, a reason other than me being there for my siblings. It was my life, not theirs. You helped me more than you might think, a lot more. You've made me feel happiness and joy and now well sadness. Something I haven't felt in a while. Also anger. I'm angry at the woman who brought me into this world for doing this to me. For turning me into a demon and now taking my only solace away by being ignorant. It sucks because no matter how many lunchless days I'd go through to save money for your gift, or how many skipped workouts to be with you, late night studies just to spend a little time talking with you, or hours of practice to finally play you a song that you'd like, it wouldn't matter because the same fate that brought us together also decided to break us apart. It makes you wonder how fate can be so cruel sometimes. And so you also confirmed something else for me. Sometimes no matter how much you sacrifice and how hard you work, somethings just aren't possible due to being born in certain circumstances. I don't want you to look at this as me complaining though. It only takes a few clicks to get to a video on YouTube where you can see kids just like I once was, having their lives or innocence taken away far worse than me and so I am thankful don't worry. I just hope you can understand that even if I lied to my mom a thousand times over for you, it won't be anywhere near as much as I had already done in the past. Not to mention that after everything she's done to my life, I really do not care. You made me quite a bit more emotional so I guess that's why I began feeling a little sad over it. Well yeah that's the story of Fuckfuck73, you heard it first here folks.  I don't even know if I'll ever show you this. I'm just sitting here. 4 am and I cant sleep. My finger still hurts from the cut and whenever I play the piano it stings( the wound on my finger is the physical manifestation of how my heart feels, through time it shall heal but no matter what I do it will sting to remind me of you. Lol jk I just wanted to sound edgy and use cool metaphors.) But in all honesty I am sad. I really believed that I'd be with you for a while, and that you'd be able to look past the only thing I can't control but I can't blame you for it. Losing 2 important girls at the same time can make even a demon sad, whoopty fucking doo who would've knew. I'm a fucking pussy. Seriously I shouldn't be getting sad at 4 am but it's fine in time the demon will return and all shall be good.  as sad as I am I'm still happy we met. I'm sorry for not talking to you about this in person or on call, I just can't bring myself to do it. If  you want to take a break from talking or just stop talking all together I'll understand. The stars are pretty tonight. But do you notice how the scenery around you changes when you're with someone? It's amazing how the most boring things can seem exciting just by having someone with you. And how the most trivial things you do with that person can create some of the most powerful memories.  And so I genuinely hope you find someone as magnificent as yourself.  Well I guess I should go to sleep now. I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow.. rest in peace my ass. Also please don't mention this to anyone, no one knows this about me. Goodnight Brynn.