Notes

Okay i'm gonna express myself the best way i can. Honestly i'm not doing so good, everything is going to some deep stupid shit. And my sister? Not making it any better.. I can say things and mean another, but i feel as if i don't think my actions should be questioned because honestly... Just the fact that this family is fucked up in general... And there's not much we can do? But i feel people don't need to come into my life and just keep making things worse.. I'm being honest with myself.. And i don't like myself at all. That's a fact but to the point where i just wanna die? Makes sense to me at least but my mom wouldn't see it that way. Just another cry for attention. At least for her even though what if i'm really hurting at some point and.. You just don't realize that? There's always an if... Got my phone taken away too.. Great. Not really to be honest.. But i can't help to realize i don't like it nether here nor with my siblings. And i try to understand what can i do.. I keep lying to myself, over and over. And i honestly have no way of just being truthful without bursting into tears.. I always felt confused about me, my sexuality, my self esteem, my personality.. And honestly i can't blame myself for that but.. Curiosity killed the cat.. Am i right? But honestly my mom yelling at me over and over isn't helping.. At all... And i try to be perfect for them and not let get pressure get to me... Mothers are supposed to be there to be nurturing and gentle. Not go on a full on rant and talk the worst shit, I have to be fair in this.. And i can't seem to understand why my sister can't listen to me to the point where i cause self inflicted marks on me and it's stressful for someone who is in highschool getting drowned in work and expectations and so on like it doesn't help at all!