Notes

didn't think i would write another letter for you but. yeah. this is the only way to tell you about my feelings and how i am doing. you don't need to listen to a song this time! ehehe. or maybe, continue with i just wanted you to know? : " )

January 5th, 2016. 3:04pm GMT+7

last night, as what i said to you in the afternoon, i waited for your replies since you said you'll be here once it's midnight for me. so i stayed up until i got your replies. it was at around 4am. i was so happy when i received those notifications. i don't know if you feel bothered or annoyed because of my replies. ehehe. but i hope you don't. and then i fell asleep while waiting your replies. i got another replies at 6:30am, saying that you fought with your parents. it makes me worry about you. i'm still worried. I'm afraid it will ruin your day. i want to be here to comfort you. i want to say everything will be okay. everything is okay. it's not your fault. but then, i decided to say a sentence to you.

' it saddens me to know that you cried alone. '
how i wish i could be there to wipe your tears. to hug you. to kiss your sadness away.

but i'm happy to know that you got amazing friends. i don't need to worry that you'll feel alone anymore. so once i leave, i know that you'll have them. you'll have places to rant. even though i still want to be your place to rant. ehehe.

i always want you to be happy. i don't want to see you being sad. i don't want you to get hurt. i don't want you to suffer anymore. you deserve good things. you're precious little sunshine. you were special to me. and you will always be.

i don't know when will i give you these letters since i want to have a proper conversation with you first. i want to make you smile for the last time. i want to laugh with you. have fun with you. i might sound selfish since maybe i'll be the only one who feels like that. but i will try my best to make you happy. to make you forget about the negativity inside your brain.

i have no place to rant anymore. i made a rant acc but i feel like it's not enough since i feel so lonely. so here i am, writing you some letters. some annoying letters.

and do you know. that i feel like we are back to josh and jay again! i feel like we just met and having some conversations like how we did in the past. being cold to each other. awkward moments. : " )
i've been recalling those moments lately. how your replies make my heart goes dugeun dugeun. the same as what josh did to jay.

i don't think i could rant to you since i don't want to annoy you with them. i feel like an annoying person for always asking for a conversation. i'll just tell you here, mhm!
mom. mom said she's tired of me. that she's tired of having a daughter like me. she would rather shove me away from this house instead seeing me staying in my room. she yelled at me several times. she doesn't even know what i am feeling these days. i always feel down during afternoon and night. i lock myself in my room with my babies. i lay down on the floor and cry. the urge to hurt myself with blade is so strong so i put two rubber bands around my wrist to control myself. i have no one to talk to. cel and red ignores me everytime i tell them about what i feel. so i keep all of my thoughts alone. i never show it to anyone. i'm afraid. i'm so afraid. mom makes me feel like i don't deserve to live anymore. i'm so tired to live, actually. i want to run away. but i don't even know where to go.

everytime i talk to you, i feel happiness inside of my heart. even though i know, it might be our last one. i feel excited waiting for the time when we can talk to each other. istg, the same feeling as when i was jayoung. that's why i've been recalling those memories.

i know you don't want to hear this but i miss you so badly. i miss everything about you. i miss someone who shouldn't be missed. but i do. i miss you. i really do.
eu sinto falta de voce.
aku kangen kamu.

it was nice to see you. let's talk again later, yeah?

J.