Notes

4.01.17

I really want to kill myself. Not just because of family but also because of me. The reason of my family is because I don't think my dad likes me most of the time. Sometimes he is really nice like yesterday when we went our to quays and had a good day. But sometimes he just teases me. I also don't think my parents are proud of me, like when I did the sats, I had got a level 6 in my maths only and my dad said that I should of got a level 6 in all the subjects. He also said that my sisters had got more level 6s than me when they actually hadn't got a single level 6. That had really annoyed me then. Back then when I was in year 6 it was all about sads gcse and because my sats were at the same time she had all the luck apart from jad and maybe mum who had at least said good luck. It's almost that my dad doesn't want me to beat my sisters. My sister sad and my dad also say I'm dumb because I go to ribston and my sisters both go to pates. It's just so annoying because I am able to do what they do, just need to give me a chance. My mum doesn't tease me as much which is good but tells me off a lot. My sister sad is all about teasing me and the kind of bullying me, I have to be honest I'd of hit her when she does something to me who makes her something back to me and it gets into an argument. When this happens I always get the blame because my dad is always on her side because the first born is always right according to him. Although mum is on my side she doesn't get into arguments, and even did she did we still won't win because mum can't give punishments. Even when ABBA isn't here sad still wins because she just talks back to my mum. I also want to kill myself because of me, as I don't see the point of living if your dad and sister don't like you. You know sometimes jad is also mean to me, I have an attitude is always the start, both my sister gang up on me and even laugh at me sometimes. I get the feeling quit a bit now at home 'I want to kill myself'. I have started to cut myself every now and then, I have done it 2 times already and that was done with a razor. It may sound weird but I like to feel the pain, it feels good. I plan to cut myself more often now and I always say that I will be gone before 18. I don't want to kill myself myself, if that makes sense. Once, jad saw the 2 cuts on my arm she had asked what happened, I had to lie saying I cut myself with sandpaper. I also sometimes feel that if I had left his world nobody will care. I am just glad that I am not the only one who wants to commit suicide, Iman also wants to and we have only talked about it once but hopefully it will come up again in a conversation.