Notes

I know another one of my "essays" so buckle up.

If I'm being honest I do feel like I'm being ditched, I know I shouldn't but that's just how I feel right now and it's because of me that I feel that way. It's because after the week I've had I was really looking forward to hanging out with friends and I know you've had a worse week than me but still, I wanted to have as much fun as I could before I had to go back to school full time.

Then there's the whole me letting my emotions show too much and not being positive enough. I feel more secure being negative being positive is just going to get my hopes up again just for them to fall on its face, If I stay negative though I expect the worse end of the situation. I'm really confused too I've spent years hiding my emotions and the people I have opened up to said the same thing you did so now after you've said it like all of them saying I express too much. I don't know what people want anymore, they tell me to open up then It's too much. I get the basic reason as to why but even the little stuff I hold in makes me super worried like tonight/last night depending on when you read this, If I hadn't shown my emotions through "..." you wouldn't have know I was feeling how I did and if i went the positive route I would've had tons of anxiety about how i could've said something so that you knew beforehand so that later on you don't get annoyed that I didn't say something then. All I've been feeling the last couple months is the feeling of being ditched/forgotten that has quite literally been the core of my depression and anxiety the last 2 months, and now i'm being told by the person i respect and trust the most that I need to hide how i really feel more so now I know I have to but doing that even with the little stuff makes me feel like I'm bottling it all up again. I don't know when to shut it and when and what is okay anymore... for all I know this is probably too much. I've been told to show my emotions less and people are forgetting and ditching me at the same time. I'm so fucking confused. Why are people doing this to me. Why do I show too much. Why do I not know what is and isn't okay anymore. Why can't I catch a break. Why do I keep writing these. Why do I expect things to change...

I'm done, the other night I said this because of my mood. Tonight I say it with absolute certainty after thinking about everything and reflecting like I told you I was going to do last night.

I don't intend any of this to insult or anger you, I fully admit to all of this being my fault entirely.

I'm done. I have no where but one person to turn to, and that person I keep annoying and expecting too much from like they're supposed to have all the time in the world.

I
don't
know
anymore.

I want to tell you more but after the week you've had you don't need any more stress. Let alone from someone like me.