Notes

I'm sorry, you know. I'm sorry that I've ever made you feel disappointed. Or that each time you try resolving our arguments I push harder against it. I never mean to, it's just how I am and I know I really gotta change that. I'm just so used to doing that, that I'm doing it to you, and it's not fair. You don't deserve that, you don't deserve a selfish person like me, I can't imagine how much I've hurt you today, it's only when you spitted out the facts that I've realized what I was doing all along. The only thing you were trying to do is help, and comfort me, and my dumb fucking ass just kept pushing you away. I spent an hour crying earlier until my petty ass fell asleep, but I think I was just crying because I had realized the pain I caused you. Just know I never intentionally meant to hurt you like so, you're right that I always let my fear control me. I NEVER wanted/want to leave you, I love you so much you don't even understand how much.. And so I explained to my mom, because well she's my best friend irl and she knows everything about me. And she said. "If you truly love this person, you shouldn't let your past interfere with your present." And this bitch made me cry harder because of that. So now I'm stuck in the embarrassing moment when I say; if.. if you still wanna be with me. Would you help me? Would you help me learn how to control this? Because I honestly don't know how, it's pathetic right? I dunno, maybe I should show up at your window with a boombox? Play the Backstreet Boys? I gotta do something to win you back.. I could draw something, but I can't draw worth shit. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm just letting my mind take over the keyboard. Honestly what's the reason of living life if you're not into it, it's useless really. So this is me saying I'm so sorry. You're kinda always the one to apologize so I thought yeah it's my turn now because this time it was all my fault. 0% yours and 100% mine. Maybe you'll be too annoyed at me to read all of this- I would. If I were you I'd block my ass. Tonight killed me, to see you going to bed without saying you loved me after. What're you doing to me huh? You're driving me crazy, like I need you with me or I feel sick. I'm actually sick to my stomach because we're fighting like this. I swear to god if you give me a chance, next time I try starting shit I'll cut a fucking finger right off or bang my face against the wall. It's been 4 hours and I miss you like fuck, do you honestly think I could go days? I'd rather choke on my own vomit. Anyways, before this gets cringy as hell, just know that I love you, and I'm really fucking sorry about what happened.