Notes

x AT DA RED BASE x

Scout: *RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY* DAMN

I REALLY NEED TO TAKE A-

Heavy's Headless Body: *SITTING ON BENCH**TURNS TO SCOUT*

Scout: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Heavy's Decapitated Head: *BESIDE BENCH* I am Heavy Weapons Guy.

Scout: *GRIPS CHEST WIT NON BROKE ARM* OH THANK GOD

YOU SCARED THE HELL OUTTA ME BUDDY

THOUGHT ME AND OL RELIABLE *USHERS TO BAT* WERE GONNA HAVE TO BOINK SOME BLU SCUM TODAY

Heavy's Decapitated Head: You cause me great concerns.

Scout: YEAH YEAH THAT'S GREAT AND ALL *WAVES HIM OFF* BUT WHERE'S THE BATHROOM IN THIS JOINT?

Demo: *DRUNKENLY RUNNING PAST THEM* IT'S MINE UNTIL YOU GIVE UP THE SUIT

Sniper: *CHASING* YOU W A N K A

BRING MY DAMN LADEL BACK, DO YOU WANT SOUP OR NOT

AND FOR THE LAST TIME

THERE IS NO SUIT

Demo: *LIFTS LADEL* I'M GONNA

G... I AM GONNA STICK THIS UP-

UP MY ASS! *LOOKS TRIUMPHANT*

Sniper: FOR FUCK'S SAKES DON'T-

TAVISH, I'M SERIOUS.

OH MY GOD NO.

*CRINGES SEVERELY*

LOOKS LIKE IT'S CANNED MEAT FOR YOU AGAIN.

Scout: Ew

GAYS

*KICKS BATHROOM DOOR IN* READY OR NOT, HERE I COME. GET THE FUCK OUT.

Medic: *IN FRONT OF MIRROR BALANCING THIRTY HATS ON HIS HEAD*

Scout: DUDE

HIT THE BRICKS, I NEED TO USE THE JOHN

Medic: WELL I NEED TO USE THE MIRROR SO TAKE YOUR OBNOXIOUS SELF ELSEWHERE

Scout: *PUNCHES HIS HATS OFF*

NO, YOU TAKE YOUR HIGH WAISTED ASS OUT

YOU GOT FEMININE HIPS

Medic: *SELF CONSCIOUSLY GRABS HIP*

NEINNNNNNNNNNNNNN

THAT'S WHAT I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT

Scout: *SLOW BLINK*

Medic:

Scout:

Medic:

Scout: ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE ALL DAY?

Medic: *RUNS OUT, CRYING LOUDLY*

Scout: HECK YEAH, RUN AWAY YOU GERMAN WHORE *SLAMS DOOR SHUT*

TIME TO GET TO BUSINESS

Heavy's Decapitated Body: *WAS SECRETLY IN THE BATHROOM TOO**CLICHE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET THE SHIT PUNCHED OUTTA YOU FIST POUNDING MOTION*

Scout: :(

xxx

x AT MEDIC'S """""""""""""""LAB"""""""""""""" x

Scout: *IN FULL BODY CAST*

-AND THEN I SAID

"BRING IT DUDE,

DEFEND YA MAN"

AND THEN HE BROUGHT IT

A CONCRETE BRICK OVER MY FOREHEAD

Archimedes: *WEARING TINY STETHOSCOPE AND TINY GLASSES*

INTERESTING...

TELL ME ABOUT THE PART WHERE HE WORE YOUR ASS ON HIS FOOT LIKE A RHINESTONE SLIPPER AGAIN.

Scout: NAH MAN, I'M TUCKERED OUT. WHEN IS THE DOC GONNA COME HEAL ME AGAIN?

*SOBBING IN HEARD FROM THE OFFICE IN THE BACKGROUND*

ARCHI: HE'S ON BREAK, LEAVE HIM ALONE. I WILL EAT YOUR EYEBALLS, YOU MOTHERF-

Scout: OKAY OKAY

GODDAMN

WHO'S GONNA HEAL ME THEN?

ARCHI: Me, DR. ARCHIMEDES "THE SAVAGE" DOVE.

Scout: UM ALRIGHT

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN DR. DOVE?

"DR." ARCHI: TO TAKE YOU OFF LIFE SUPPORT B) *YANKS CORD WITH BEAK* BYE BYE COOUNT

Scout: OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

xxx

x In Spawn Room x

Scout: *HYPERVENTILATING IN CORNER*

xxx

x With Soldier x

Soldier: *CYCLES UP TO DRIVE-THROUGH OF MCDONALD'S ON HIS BIKE*

HELLO INTERCOM, MAY I ORDER?

Blu Pyro: *VERY BORED VOICE* Yeah, what you want?

Soldier: ALRIGHT, HERE WE GO

*PULLS OUT LIST*

I WOULD LIKE TWO NUMBER NINES

A NUMBER NINE LARGE

A NUMBER SIX WITH EXTRA DIP

A NUMBER SEVEN

TWO NUMBER FOURTY FIVES,

ONE WITH CHEESE

ONE WITH A LARGE SODA

Blu Pyro: *ANNOYED SIGH* Will that be all, sir?

Soldier: NOT YET,

I WOULD ALSO LIKE ONE MILKSHAKE AND *DIRECTLY INTO MIC*

ONE FRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Blu Pyro: *INHALE*

MY EARS ARE BLEEDING OVER HERE, HOW ABOUT WE CALM IT DOWN.

We serve food, not missiles here governor-

NOW DRIVE AROUND

xxx

x At Scout's Mom's House x

His Mom: JOEL, JOSH, JOSPEH, JOE, JOSE, JILLIAN JOVI JONATHAN

GET YOUR ASSES DOWN FROM THERE

KIMBERLY, YOU'RE THE ONLY KID I CAN REMOTELY TRUST ANYMORE

Kimberly: *6'7" BEARDED MAN WIT A BUZZCUT AND A STRIPED PRISON SHIRT*

Joel: MOM, JOE CALLED ME GAY!

His Mom: That's because you are honey, NOW SET THE FUCKING TABLE.

Joel: *UNDER BREATH* BUNCH A FUCKIN BS

Jose: *ON TOP OF FRIDGE, PLAYING CARDS WITH HIS BROSKIS*

Do you guys ever think I'm adopted?

Joseph: *SMOKING -GASP- CIGARETTE*

I think mom's A SLUTBAG.

NONE OF US ARE EVEN FULLY RELATED.

J.J.J.: *WEARING HOT PINK CROPTOP* WHY DID MOM HAVE TO NAME ME JILLIAN, *APPLYING FOUNDATION TO HIS FACE WITH BRUSH, STARING INTO A POCKET MIRROR* IT'S GIVING PEOPLE THE WRONG IDEA.

THAT I'M A TRAP OR SOMETHING. I'M MANLY AS FUCK.

Jose: AS FUCK, MY HOME. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT.

Josh: *SWIMMING AROUND HIS FISH BOWL* BROS, CAN ONE OF YA'LL FEED ME

Joel: *SETTING TABLE* I GOT YOU FAM, LEMME GET THESE NAPKINS DOWN AND I'LL GO GET THE FISH FOOD.

Joseph: FUCK I WAS HOPING YOU'D DIE.

Scout's Mom: CAN YOU MOOCHERS SHUT THE HELL UP FOR A MINUTE, THE PHONE'S RINGING.

*GRABS PHONE*

WHO

Scout: Hey mom, can I come over and chill?

Scout's Mom: SURE WHATEVER, BRING YOUR PAYCHECK.

Scout: THANKS MOM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. SEE YA IN FIVE.

Scout's Mom: AIGHT, BYE. *HANGS UP*

Kimberly: *LUMBERING OVER HIS MOM, SILENT AND STOIC*

Scout's Mom: ALRIGHT FUCKERS, YOUR FAVORITE BABY BROTHER IS COMING OVER, SO KEEP THE TOMFOOLERY AT THE MANDATORY "NEIGHBORS ARE DEFINITELY GONNA FILE A NOISE COMPLAINT TO THE COPS" ALRIGHT?

Joe: SURE THING, *SWIPING THROUGH TINDER, MATCHING WITH EVERY CHICK HE SEES* CAN'T WAIT TO THROW A BASEBALL AT HIS HEAD.

Scout's Mom: THAT'S THE SPIRIT-

xxx