Notes

i wrote this after my first disappearance and have edited it a bit since then um

uhhh hii i
i dont know how to start this off
well i guess im writing this cause
it might make me feel betyer maybe idk
if i dont i might just leave again or soemthing and yeah thatd be

i guess the reasons i left have to be uh
a lack of connection, too much drama, i feel like i shouldnt be here because my friends hate this site and i cant blame them its not a good site but hhhhh, um also just in general lately my mood has sucked and i havent been able to be how id like to be

i feel disconnected because i dont feel like im really truly friends with anyone here
like we're the kinda friends that hang out and all but
nor like close close bond friend friends??? hard to explain
maybe its because i haven't been very open though i think its also because everyone is too busy obsessing over their crush or so

it's not nice to be relatively eh and hear people worship nathaniel all the time like he is some sort of divine deity and you know how toast is and hhh i dont think anyone is intending to make me feel bad but hearinf so many users be seen as "pure uwu so good!!!" and im just here like that last nice thing about i got to hear was probably about my art or something
im probably overanalyzing because im like that and i dont think anyone is doing anything wrong but it still hurts haha sorry

i dont really have a best friend or s/o here so i just can't relate to people on that level
i don't even want to be in a relationship and yet everyone here is obsessed with ships and stuff
our humor is also different and in general theres a huge gap between 13 year olds and a 16 year old that has totally different interests and views and stuff from the others it's just kinda yeah

it's not that i think people don't care about me or at least they care enough to care if im sad probably idk if they actually care about me in general and it's not that i dont care about anyone here because i do a lot i just can't really connect with anyone here
maybe that'll resolve itself soon idk
ive been in a situation like this before and i ended up making the best friend ive ever met so yknow

secondly yhe drama is
hhhhh
you know how most people are like "yeah im just gonna leave and not do anything" when some sort of conflict is going on
i just can't help myself from trying to mediate or dissipate the drama 80% of the time
the same is when people are upset and i
lately it's been harder to deal with that because when you have a new person self harming or committing suicife or whatever each week and it's all anyone can talk about it

it wears me down so much
i want to be perfect and pretend i dont have any problems and pretend im a really positive and happy person but ive reached my breaking point
i tried to keep up that super happy persona i started out with and i kinda lost it aha;;;;;
that made me upset and disappointed in myself
why cant i just keep it forever why is it so hard now i dont understand???
i try not to talk about my problems so that i dont burden anyone or cause drama or make people think that im not happy or whatever
lately though this whole month my depression won't leave me alone and i feel so uncomfortable all the time
i just want to sleep all day i want to stop breathing but
i can't
i have to keep going on and going ang going and yeah
please dont comment "dont kill yourself eggie or hurt yourself it isnt worth it seek help!!!!" because i am aware yeah and this isnt what this js about it's just some long tangent about how this site is maybe??? making all my mental and emotional issues worse and when i left i felt so anxious at the thought of coming back that i felt chest pains and i hate that so much!!!!
not being able to pretend to be super positive and be that one mod that has everything together and can help everyone and just be a good person and not be selfish and vent to people iiiiii
it made me not want to go on i guess
i dont really care??? how much my actions harm myself since i just want to be a good person and if im not hurting anyone else im fine but
i can only do that for so long before i cant keep it up and it hhhhh
i wish i coulf fo it forever and be strong and amazing and like everytghing but i cant
and now i even selfishly wish it would stop
i wish people would just
yeah it's exhausting to deal with and i dont like it and i want to return to a different time
god im so awful now i cant even handle it anymore i used to be great with this and now im so selfish i cant think about anything other than getting away from it im
im really sorry i should be more empathetic

i saw my therapist a bit ago that went good thats good

not to say it's the worst its ever been
ive been in worse places and experienced worse things and done worse things to myself and still do sometimes but

my disorders dont really seem to care????? it's just kinda like
"oh you woke up??? why dont you feel awful all day for no reason?"
"oh someone said/did something that could even slightly be taken as negative about you better cry for half an hour and feel super impulsive!!!"

it's just exhausting to deal with day in and day out all the time
especially on top of whatever else is happening
imagine having your own negative thoughts on what to do yourself and then having a bunch of emotional teenagers threaten to do it over and over and never really go through with it or maybe they do but it's alwyas broadcasted everywhere and it makes it feel like mental illness is some sort of fun little trend like yeah doing bad things to yourself is cool and hip and you should never seek help beforehand or calm down and try to get out of an impulsive state of mind and it's so frustrating to deal with especially when i never talk about mine specifically for this reason because when and if i do post this if people don't ignore this (which would probably be best) people might freak out or something and i don't want that please
anyways back to how my mental illness affects me im sorry there are like 50 tangents here and it's written in broken sentences and all over the placeim sorry
sometimes it just happens over and overs for days or weeks at a time and having severe depression on top of adhd does not make it easy to do practically anything you want to or need to do because you are so unmotivated and distracted it's a challenge just to do your homework each night
it's okay though because things are getting better and stuff kinda ish

sorry i probably sounded too whiny there
you shouldn't really worry too much about me so please don't
i will be okay
if i take more breaks i apologize in advance