Notes

Before you read this, be forewarned: There are tangents, there is too much description, it is depressing, in some places, it might be graphic. This is true. This is not subjectively told, but it's as close as I can get to being objective about all of this.

So, for those of you who celebrate Christmas, the miserable family holiday is a typical trope in TV shows, movies, and various forms of stories from throughout the centuries. It seems that wherever there is a Christmas themed tale, there's one or two characters who just aren't having it. Charlie Brown, Ebenezer Scrooge, Arnold's character in Jingle All The Way, and even Steve Martin in Planes Trains and Automobiles all embody this character. This year, I became that character.

Let me give you a slight history of the past year for me, just to bring you up to speed. Fuck it. I'll just give you the past semester and speed this shit up. I started school by moving into a new house with some room mates I didn't know particularly well, which was a huge fucking mistake. On top of not getting 90% of what I'm saying, I feel that I'm consistently berated by them for stupid little shit that doesn't make me feel welcome in the house. However, I'm also consistently fixing problems around the house, and I found it in the first place which they seem to appreciate. To make matters worse, I'm on my mother's health insurance, which ran out due to her switching from one job to the next. In February I should have it back. I have been chronically depressed for over two years, and have severe stomach issues. This has caused a massive amount of stress. I was able to switch to an on-campus service for my psychological needs, but have no means to get my physical issues taken care of whatsoever. My job was offering Health and Dental coverage, but only gave me 6-12 hours a week, and thus, I was ineligible for any kind of plan through them. My job payed bi-weekly, which left a large hump in between paychecks, causing me severe financial troubles and stress. Somehow I've managed to pay all of my bills. I have no idea how.

So on top of that, I crashed my car last year. I rear ended the person, so it was my fault, and I had/have literally no money to fix it. Over the course of the entire year, I've fixed most of the parts, but had to go about getting an inspection sticker which took forever due to the various repairs I had to make on my car. The day that happened, I spoke with my dad, who was lending me some money to fix the car, and he assured me that we'd get all of it taken care of, and that it was really no big deal. That same day, we got some terrible news about something in my family, which is, unfortunately for you, confidential. Due to this issue, my father has literally no money left. During that week, I was house-sitting on the other side of the state (Rhode Island, so not so bad) going through the last week of classes, trying to figure out next semester's finances, and training (For absolutely no pay) at my new job. This family issue not only put all of that on hold, but caused me to lose focus and directly caused the failure of one of my classes (I missed the last chance to do my presentation which was a large part of the grade, and was scheduled for that week) and indirectly fail another.

By that point, it was just fuck all. I was/am miserable about everything that has been happening. I had to quit my first job due to the amount of issues that came up all at once. My new job was during the same time as the old job/ the family issue was now factoring into my time/ I had/have literally no money for gas or food/ I have chronic depression and anxiety issues about everything listed above, and then just a ton more shit that will one day fill some sort of very nice manifesto. I wish.

So I couldn't buy presents for Christmas. I'm 20 years old, and in past years, I would have asked my dad to put my name on gifts he gave out, or for a little extra money to get something for my brothers. However, this year, all of his money went towards this family issue, with all of the rest of it being taken by that fucking Target credit scam. I didn't even ask him. I quietly told my brothers that they wouldn't be getting gifts, told my dad and mom the same, and continued out pretty care free for a change. Sure, I didn't have anything to give anyone, but they were all totally cool with that. Everyone I talked to seriously about it was of the opinion that, "Christmas isn't about the presents. If people get mad at you because of it, fuck 'em." including my mother, which to me, was the funniest person to hear those words from.

My dad, however, went out and got me a $50 gift card to target and insisted that I buy my brothers something. So here's my whole thing:

By taking presents completely out of my equation, I was making a stand against Christmas's over-commercialization, and reducing my stress level completely by not having anything to give anyone. When my dad basically forced me to get people presents, he insisted that I only buy for my brothers, but that isn't alright. My brother's girlfriend lives at the house as well. Was I supposed to give her the shaft? What about dad? I knew that we had already gotten mom (Divorced by the way) a gift, and was I supposed to just ignore dad? Of course not. So, on top of the financial problems I was already having, now I had to go and spend my last bit of money on gifts for the 4 of them, which came to $84 total, minus the $50 for the gift card. $34 was everything that I had the day before Christmas Eve, and it's gone now.

So now we're at Christmas Eve.
I had to work in the morning. My lady boss was being a bitch on the phone for no reason, but it was no big deal. They got my name wrong on my first paycheck, which they probably won't fix in time for next week. The kid who was taking over for me was late, and I was meeting my mom, as is tradition, to go open presents at her place then head to my grandma's house. Feast of the Seven Fish and all that. So I was late getting out the door in the morning, couldn't take a shower, and just booked it to work. When he was late, it pushed back my ability to take a shower during the day. So I was late getting to my mom's house. Then my brothers showed up late because of a completely different issue that I caused with them. So my stress level is already through the roof.

I get to my Grandma's house, and aside from not being able to correctly hold a baby, the night went pretty fine. There was a small spill I helped to clean up, but aside from that, ain't no thing.

So then Christmas Morning. We got home from my Grandma's house pretty late, so we all crashed. My middle brother went and woke everyone up, as is tradition. After presents came the first fight. I was trying to make bacon before they made eggs and pancakes, and my brother came up to try and steal some, so I stopped him. He then attacked me for 20 minutes next to the hot griddle of bacon. At this point, I'm fucking livid. He starts screaming at me that I'm an asshole and I just froze up. I had a massive anxiety attack, and from 9-1:30 PM, I stayed in bed and didn't move. I didn't cry, I didn't sleep. I just stayed in bed and thought about how meaningless everything that I do becomes to everyone around me. I then pondered why the fuck I even came here today, and decided that I was an asshole because by doing this and isolating myself, I was now ruining everyone else's Christmas. In comes the stomach pain.

To specify, (Skip this paragraph if you have a weak stomach, it's kind of disgusting.) when I have a panic or anxiety attack (Depending on the situation) I usually vomit. Regardless of whether or not this happens, when I'm stressed out I shit blood. I pass out often, and have literally no way of getting to a doctor to fix this. I don't know what it is.

So I eventually got up and as per usual, everyone ignored it and acted like nothing had happened. During the period where my dad yelled at my brother Tom, he said, "NEITHER OF YOU HAVE GROWN UP AN INCH!" and that really fucking crushed me. The implication is that regardless of everything I've been trying to do on my own, it's all been for nothing, and I haven't grown at all. The stomach pain was mostly caused by that.

Sadly though, in my family, this isn't an uncommon occurrence. When my dad came to talk to me in my room long after that, he apologized and told me just the opposite. Whether that was true, or whether it was just something he said to make me feel better, I really can't say. I have known the guy my whole life, and I just can't tell if he's being genuine or not anymore.

So I decided to go to his family's house and see his family. My brother acted like nothing happened and we continued through the day. I got to his family's house, and everything was perfectly fine. A few uncomfortable questions about school came up, and I lied my way right through them. "Oh, you know, school. I passed and all." No I didn't.

Sidenote: the way in which I failed my classes was counted in both classes as an incomplete or NW, so it didn't affect my GPA. The classes I did finish had excellent grades, so my GPA went from a 2.73 to a 2.9. Life's funny that way.

But the night was fine. My uncle who makes me extremely nervous and uncomfortable was in high spirits and brought us around town for a while in his sister's Land Cruiser, which was newly restored. We got back, opened presents after hors d'oeuvres, and then sat down for a late dinner, due to the amount of time it took to cook.

This is where shit just tanked for me, and to understand why would take a fucking long time. Suffice it to say I have a crazy aunt who moved down to Florida after spreading vicious rumors about me, and after adding her on facebook, she completely attacked me in a message after not responding to a comment on my wall. I haven't talked to her in well over two years. In actual real life, I went and met a distant relative in NYC, and when she found out, she was furious with me and spread rumors about me to the other side of my family that I was some evil piece of shit. Truth be told, I didn't know about the family issues until my dad told me after I got back from meeting my extremely nice distant relative.

So we're sitting at the dinner table tonight. Christmas. Everyone is joking because my crazy aunt is calling every once in a while to pull someone away from celebrating for about 30-40 minutes each. I knew I was going to skip out because of my past with her, and especially because I had called and left a message for her to get back in touch with me a few weeks ago and never heard a response. Nothing. So we are at my older aunt's house, and she's telling her son to stop making fun of my crazy aunt for taking so long on the phone. It's not a big deal, but she keeps getting on him about it every five seconds. Then she asks, "Who's talked to her already?" and I just shut up. I didn't want to be involved. My brother, however, didn't know this, "Oh, I talked and Jack and Meg and so that's it. Ben still has to go, Uncle Blank" and she turns to my uncle first, saying something like, "WELL WE'RE GETTING HIM ON THE PHONE! We're definitely pushing for that this year." and he's immediately like, "No, I'm not speaking with her. I have absolutely no reason to." because he's a 47 year old adult and they have a really bad relationship. She keeps insisting though, and then someone brings up my name. So with a half full mouth, I say, "I'm not talking to her tonight." to which my brother responds, "WHAT? WHY NOT? JESUS CHRIST?" and my aunt chimes in with some bullshit, so I say some stuff about when I went to visit the cousin and the rumors that followed.

"Ben, I'm your family, and I'm telling you that you're going to talk to her."

I didn't even look at my aunt. I just shut down. My throat closed up, and my heart started pounding. I put down my napkin and my fork and knife and just circled round the house until I found the door. After I ran out, my aunt's husband followed me out calling after me warmly to get me to come back. I couldn't do it though.

I puked in a baseball diamond somewhere in a field across the street from my aunt's house, with the familiar pain in my stomach slowly building up. It was at that point that I began cursing god, as is tradition.

"What do you want from me? Why do you do this to me every year? Am I ever going to be happy?" and over the course of the first 25-30 minutes I spent in the 12 degree cold in nothing but a light sweatshirt, a sort of happy miracle happened (For me at least). The sky was dark and cloudy, and as I looked up, I tried to make out where the big dipper was so that I could find the north star. Something that I had recently looked up, because why not? As time dragged slowly on, the clouds dissipated. I eventually found myself staring at a perfect wide open sky. Shit was crazy. When I realized it, I was just kind of like, "Huh. That's cool." and stayed staring at it for another 20 minutes or so.

So I decided that I'm definitely going to change my name and leave these people forever. I'm really just done with trying to impress them, and it makes me pretty miserable knowing that I'll literally never be able to be happy when they're around. That hurts, but if you know me, it's not really a huge deal. It's more of a relief than anything. I really don't particularly like them, and I know for a fact that they hate me. I once wanted to write a movie about my life and these people, but who would pay to see this kind of hateful negligence repeated in an endless vicious cycle forever? If I had stayed at Christmas dinner, I would have eventually had to talk to this woman who I honestly believe hates everything about me. To make it even worse, I would have had to have been embarrassed about it once again by the people forcing me to do so.

I had a tough childhood. I was forced to do a lot of stupid things that eventually made me into the shell of a person that I am now. I refuse to be forced into doing anything anymore, and I will accept the consequences for that for the rest of my life. I can't live like that, and I've never been able to. When I do, I'm miserable, but when I don't, I at least have the power to feel good about myself. To not have someone destroying everything that I care about or making me feel bad for the things I want to do with my life.

And so, when I leave this place, I'll look back on shit just like this and be a little happy. If it weren't for the shit like this, I wouldn't feel alive. God knows I can't get a girl for shit, and even when I do, I manage to be just interested enough to cause them to lose interest.

To conclude the story though, I returned after 45 minutes and sat alone on the couch, staring at the fire and trying to cry. My aunt's husband, the man of the house, came up behind me and patted me on the shoulder. "Hang in there buddy...Did you want some desert?" So I politely declined and continued looking at the fire. My brother who kind of screwed me over at the table earlier asked my dad for the keys so that I could start up the car which gave me a good excuse to get out of there fast. Thank god for that. I said goodbye to no one, and waited for my dad and brother so we could go home, followed by my other brother and his girlfriend in their car.

Now I'm guilty though. I feel like I've completely fucked up with my family again. I feel like I started a fight between my aunt and uncle in their house. I feel guilty for accepting a gift after what they would perceive to be me disrespecting her and her wishes in her own house. I felt like an asshole for leaving without eating my dinner or saying goodbye. I feel like my other uncle and aunt went home and talked about me in their car ride home. I feel like my brother and his girlfriend did the same thing. But worst of all, I feel like my cousin is now left in a really uncomfortable situation with his parents and that's my fault. He's only in town a few days, and I really don't want this to somehow trickle down onto him. What I mean is, if his parents become pissed at each other and it ruins the rest of his vacation, then that's going to be extremely shitty for me. I feel bad for my dad, who's son embarrassed him once again. I feel bad for my brothers and my brother's girlfriend for the exact same reason.

There's nothing I can do about it though.

Ben Falvey