Notes

Okay, so, where do I start from..

There was this boy.. We were together four years. I know it's a really long time, but.. It was kids love. It was love. And love doesn't ask. We started at the end of first grade, till the end of fifth. We were.. one of the cutest couples. We were famous, both pretty and smart. And we did everything together. Like all those things you read in fanfictions.. Like back hugging. (P.S: Till the day you appeared I hated back hugs.) Or holding hands.. And even.. Oh, God...my first kiss was with him.

Then we became .. different. Everyone changed. Every- single-one in this school. Everyone changed to bad, of course. Me.. Well, I was always..kind of known, but I always liked attention. So I started to get knowing "the big kids". And I actually got it. So many people knew who I was. This girl...she was one of the cool kids, she told me that I don't know anyone from the bigger and that I'm not famous. That's why I became like her..a b*tch. (Sorry for the word.) He.. Well, he was always famous. He was everyone's favorite. Teachers, students, everyone liked him. He was smart, pretty, cool and he was nice, a gentleman. But he became arrogant. He wanted more. He would've done anything...anything to look even cooler. So he started doing tricks to me, to fool me in front of the whole class. And he got it. One day I was done. I couldn't take all the .. shame anymore. I broke up with him in a dramatical way in front of the whole class. (No one knows about this.) I shouted "IT'S OVER!", crying.. I got out of the room. We had Maths. I didn't take the lesson. I mean, when I got out, rumors started spreading and then they told me different things that happened. I still don't know how he reacted, when I got out. Minutes later, all the girls came out to "see how I was". But I know they didn't care..at all. They just wanted to see me crash down. They wanted to see my tears. They wanted to see me falling into pieces. Because they also hated me.

But without him, I felt empty. Three days later we got back together. I called him and sent him messages, until he picked up and asked me what I want. (No one knows this, too.) We were together for like..a month. Then...we broke up. He broke up. I was in a big supermarket with my parents, when he sent me a message that he wants to end it all.. I crashed down, crying in front of all the people. When I got home, he told me on Skype, that I'm not interesting to him anymore... We wanted to stay friends, but he said that I turned into a b*tch. (2xsorry.)

But then began my problems. I thought I forgot him, but actually everything was about him. "What will they think if I wear or say this?"..the question was "What will he?". But I realized it real late. Because he was cool and famous..and he hated me...his friends and my whole class followed him and hated me also. He was like a leader of the class. Everyone did what he did. Our class started separating into groups: two bigger ones - boys (he was the leader) and girls (I was the leader), and smaller ones, made of two-three people in a group. We weren't a strong class... There were always fights, scandals...

In sixth grade I was alone. I had nobody. My class hated me and I was alone. I hate being alone.. I was always an outsider, so...this affects me. And I started having these problems with my mother (which continue till today). I wanted to be a friend with a girl in my class and she wanted, too... But she broke the promise. She made an edit of my pictures...ugly one. And the whole class took part in it. She said that she couldn't stand me...that's why she did it. Then I met unnie, my best friend.. She was my savior. She taught me how to smile and thanks to her I always made a fake smile to hide the tears. We got close and...she helped me..live. I was always really emotional, I cry for little things.. Like..everything hurts me.. But the smallest nice thing, like saying my nickname would melt my heart and make me happy. I'm weak.. I cried much, while I was in this class. They loved seeing me down, crying or crashing. That's why they bullied me. I was psychically killed every single second I spent in that school. Lies, curses, always saying I'm wrong and it's my fault..for everything, even if it's not. Whatever I did, they attacked me. He including.

In summer 2012 I started listening to KPOP. Which changed everything. I mean, I started protecting myself, without crying, I didn't give up. Some of them had respect for me..but that made them wilder, they bullied me even more. They hated the fact, that they can't see me down, crying because of them. Every day I held on, I said to myself that I must be strong. Every second I said that I should wait and as soon as I went home, I started crying. And .. then came the time I started asking questions to myself. I found out all of my mistakes and why he broke up with me. Now I'm not so sure of those, but back then I realized I made more mistakes than a person should do. And that made me love him again..or as unnie said "You never stopped loving him". He felt it. He was smart enough, he knew what was going on. So he decided to use me. So it doesn't look like it's all his fault. He started giving me like...signs that he likes me. Signs that I often foolishly believed in.

But I was seventh grade. I had exams. These exams are one of the most important in my life. They are two - in Bulgarian and Maths. The full grade is 36. Depends on the school how they make the score. In my school it's twice the grade in Maths, twice in Bulgarian and one from each (BG and Maths) from the diploma. The second term I slept only two hours a night. I was always .. studying. So I think you can guess what condition I was in.. Him, my parents, school...I was depressed. I was really depressed and there was no getting out of the trap. The school I wanted to go to is the best in Plovdiv. Especially my class .. we have the highest grades in city. My score was really high.. 35.452. I'm fourth by grade in my class. But the other three come from a really tough school.. So.. every single night I stayed on the window, crying my eyes out, asking God for help. (I'm a believer.) I just wanted all of this to end sooner. All of this..depression. To end school and seventh grade and to start a new book, with more intelligent children, where I will get out of all this.. And I will finally be okay. People think that it's stupid, that it's nothing serious...but people don't know how I felt and what I've been through. Because it hurts, oppa. It hurts so much...you can't even imagine..

And then I started school. My class is...well, they are so nice to me. And I can talk to everyone. Thanks to them, I have more self belief now..I'm stronger. I'm not afraid to say how I feel, what I want. I'm okay. But it was not a long time ago, when I still thought about him. I was still depressed. Better, but depressed. I missed him. I started roleplaying, I met you and I was still trapped. I didn't realize your words.. Then I asked you where you're from.. And you introduced yourself to me. Suddenly.. Kevin started to sound like a really pretty name. You sent me those pictures and.. I fell. The next day I though only and only about you. Suddenly my life started making sense. As you already know, you're my wallpaper, you name is on my hand.. And with every day you introduced yourself more and more. That was the time I felt like I won't be able to fall in love again. And you came from nowhere and changed my world. Changed me. You made me a better person. Every time I write with you I'm flying. I ignore the whole world..because you're important. I sometimes cry when you're so nice to me, just because I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm finally okay. What I wanted came true.. And I'm okay.. Every time I think about these two words.. "I'm okay".. I cry because all of my memories just flashback and I can't believe what I lived through to come..here.

One day I met him twice. We were in the car, going to take the picture of my teeth. The first time...I crashed into tears and didn't know what was going on. But when I saw him again, I wasn't crying anymore. I thought of you and I laughed. And I was happy. I am happy.

Now you know why you're special to me. You are special, oppa, remember it. Thank you. For helping me get over it.. I'm serious, my life finally makes sense..it didn't before you came. Thank you. For being next to me..and showing that you care. I realized I needed somebody to care like you do. And now I have you. Thank you.. so much.