Notes

Been about a month since we talked properly for the first time.
How much should I let her know? How much do I tell her? How far do I let her in? How many times am I going to get hurt again? These questions ran through my head.
I had a thousand words to say, but all of them got caught up in my throat.
"What do you want from me?" I said, having known that she'd never understood me, that it was all just a waste of time.
"I want you to tell me your real feelings."
But that didn't stop her from trying.
I'm still scared. Scared of loving too much, scared of putting too much faith in us, scared of trusting her too much. I'm scared of so many things, and I'm terrified of "too much".
But there was something about the way that she stubbornly held onto me even though I said she could find someone better. There was something about the way her whole body shook when she cried. There was something about the way she looked at me and kissed me.
I'm still terrified to say the three words, though it might be true.
When we argued, and I finally let it all out, she held me.
It was a weak moment where I cried and she held me to her chest, arms wrapped around me as if trying to protect me, all the while with tears flowing down her cheeks and body shaking as she cried.
In that moment, even if I knew it was temporary, I felt safe. Protected. Loved. That was all i ever wanted.
"Don't die..." She whispered, tears accompanying the words.
I kissed her neck and jaw, trying to let her know, I wouldn't. A promise I made in the silence of my heart. She was still holding me, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead.
And in that moment, I felt happy.
26.01.18