Notes

Heya Lu :)

Sorry for the late reply to the other texts, it just felt a bit weird replying with usual, normal stuff while this was waiting to be sent. I wasn't sure when to send it to you, so asked Maff and he told me today would be right.

Anyway. The letter:

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First of all, thanks for writing me that letter... I know it must have been really quite painful to do at points and I'm honored you trust me with your feelings. I hope you know that you can always write to me if you need to, or want to. You're awesome, I'm bloody glad I know you, and you're my big sis like it or not. 
I've not been completely sure how to write this, I wanted to answer your letter sentence by sentence, but as you don't have a copy yourself, that's not an option. I'll do my best to let you know know which part of your letter I'm writing back to as often as I can. 
You started off by apologising if this is weird. Don't apologise. Yeah... This whole thing between the both of you has been weird, I think it kind of had to be, by its very definition, but my god has it been good. I say this, taking most of that feeling from what Maff and I have talked about over the years. He's been incredibly happy and lifted by you, and loves you very much. It's very important you keep this at the front of your mind for the rest of this message.

You also thanked me for listening and not judging. And for being kind. This isn't a kindness Lou, it is, and always will be, a given. I'll say it again, you're my big sis come rain or shine. No more thanks because none are necessary. Write to me or call me whenever.

Your letter starts out explaining you want this to stop hurting. 
I know that you know what I'm going to say.... That one day it will, and that this too, shall pass. 
When we know we have heartache to overcome, a huge part of that pain is the fear that it will never go away. But it does go away. Bit by tiny bit, it goes. It will always take longer than you thought or hoped it would, and for a long time it will crush you at seemingly random moments in the day. I wish there was a magic button to end this feeling, but unfortunately time is the healer. Time and an unshakeable knowledge that it won't last forever, that you'll be able to reclaim almost all the things that remind you at the moment, and enjoy them once again. That music track you can't bear to listen to, the garden, the house, up town and that winter hat, will one day be yours again too, I promise. 
You're in a weird position at the moment, that only compounds the complexity of your pain, and makes this seem even more inescapable. I know lots of people who avoid seeing each other after something like this, which on the face of it seems far simpler. You on the other hand, have to (and want to, I assume) see Maff on a regular basis. Not only that but it's your (optional) duty, your reaction and your wish to be happy for him in his successes and happy times. Add to that the fact that you have to act normally, and it seems you're in a bit of a pickle. 
I'm pretty sure of the reverse, though.
We've all wallowed before, and in my experience it's that freedom to do so that does the worst damage. It may not feel like it at the moment, but you have an excellent chance to flip this around, make your problems work for you, and get to a point where you're healthier and happier than you have been in a long time. A double life can't have been easy. The reason it might seem to be, is that the alternative that you're going through at the moment, hurts like a motherfucker, and that the sweetest times of this relationship were so incredibly sweet. What is easily forgotten at times like this is the pain of the life you've been living. Worry, guilt, stress, more worry, self doubt, self pity, a 24 hour itch at the back of your mind that something was always going to go wrong, and that no matter what, some degree of pain would be involved. We also tend to forget those feelings are happening at the time as the good ones, as we get caught in the feeling and moment of being in love. Without the fleeting moments of incredible happiness you shared when you had a spare chance, and the epic romance of it all, I wouldn't wish the stress and pain of a relationship like the one you shared on anyone. 
The positive of the situation you're in is that the rest of it, the love, honesty, openness, support, pride and the way he looked at you and saw YOU, needn't end... It just needs to change, if you can bear it. The sexy stuff, well that'll be the challenge you have to face yourself... But you'll figure it out... Either way, right now, you have this pickle to deal with. 
If Maff has really helped teach you not to hate yourself, that needn't change either. In fact, I'd not be surprised if this change in your life helps you do that even more. You're free of a great deal of the stresses and moral questions you were once subject to (even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment). 
You explain that he's influenced your life for so long and now there will no longer be any more memories, I really hope that's not the case, and I'm 100% sure nor does Maff. You guys finally have the chance to be close and honest and helpful and supportive but in full, unabashed glory, as you'll be doing nothing wrong. New, albeit slightly differently framed memories are right there, if you can bear them. 
A part of your letter asks whether this is the same feeling as when someone dies. I'd imagine it's worse. I'm sorry for that, but just like when people die, eventually the pain becomes a soft, calm, quiet white-noise with less and less frequent peaks, drowned out by the inevitable joys of life. 
You also point out that the one person you'd really like to share and explain this pain with you can't, because it's him... If you want my advice, I'd arrange a day and give it to him straight. He's hurting too, and he's worried that he's lost you as well. If you're to continue seeing one another in the plain light of day, it would be an unnecessary difficulty to have to hide anything from one another. He knows you feel like shit because he does too. Just don't wallow. Either of you. Neither of you have lost the best friend you have in one another, you just have to adapt. 
This next bit is difficult. 
You wrote about children, and that Maff had always said they didn't matter to him. I know Maff has always wanted kids, but I also know for a fact that it didn't matter to him that they weren't on the cards, however they came. He loves you and I'm sure he'd have foregone sprogs until the next life if that was what was to be. I think he said what he did because they've become something he's willing to even consider again.

Now comes the sticking up for Maff bit, where hopefully I can also alleviate some of your fears. You asked if it was wrong that you felt betrayed. You would have been completely right to feel betrayed if Maff had had any intention or comprehension of anything further with anyone for any length of time before he told you.  Truthfully, as soon as anything like this dawned on him, I saw him stress for the few days before he told you, and the only reason it took a few days is because he had to be able to see you alone. I must confess I tried to encourage him to wait until a better time, but you know Maff (and you really do)... He's annoyingly committed to the truth.
You also compared yourself to "a desperate woman chucking herself at someone who is no longer interested"... Nothing could have been further from the truth... Maff was and has been willing to give up everything for the two of you. He loves you deeply. It's just not the right life for either of you this time around. 
You mention that you knew something was up by the time we were on the trial. I'm 100% sure that nothing was up. He'd have told me, and I'd tell you now. Maff has been and always will be completely honest with you. You know that. 
You wrote that you occasionally had feelings of "I bet he loved having the three of us chasing him". I know you know these aren't true, but I'm pretty sure you also know that the very idea of three people chasing Maff (as you wrote) would actually scare the living shit out of him. (me and the other mere mortals, on the other hand.... Well, that's another story :P) 
You also asked why you can't just have the good feelings for Maff. I genuinely think that one day, you will. It'll just take time.

One of the last parts of your letter reads: "I will get better, see clearer and be a bigger person. I have to. At the end of the day, I will always love Maff, always be there for him, and I hope with all of my heart be able to always be in his life". 
I promise you, he feels exactly the same way Lu.

I'm sorry this ended the way it did. In the same breath, I hope we all get a chance to consider all of the ways it could have gone. I know it doesn't feel like the greatest consolation in the world right now, but my god could things have ended up far worse. You all still have each other, but one day you'll be able to take all the best of one another, clear and out in the open. That's potentially incredible.

Push forwards, always... Bury yourself in as much new life as you can. Involve Maff, Rick, Mick and whoever else you can, as often as you can. Indulge in and allow yourself a little pain every day, but no more. Once again, I promise this too will pass.

You're one of the warmest, most loving and wonderful people I've ever met Lu. We're all very bloody lucky to have you in our lives.

Love always,

Your little bro,

Mike. X