Notes

I am starting to look at myself through a different light. I would write in my word account but my school would be able to access it and that would limit the amount of truth and feelings I could talk about. Anyway, so I watched this youtube video by Hannah Adkins and she talks about "becoming the best version of ourselves". I tried thinking about what that might mean for me and it took me awhile to come to the conclusion. Not because I don't have ideas, but because I don't want to write down, or in this case type up, the same "rules" and limitations that resulting in me getting burnt out. I guess I want to not hate myself anymore. Non - negotiables are a topic that she kept discussing. She separated them in a daily and monthly category.
Side note I'm watching the Gilmore girls and Rory is wearing this gorgeous red crewneck and a black skirt. She's wearing stockings with it as well as a pair of black Doc Martins. The outfit is so freaking cute and I really aspire to dress like that.
Anyway back to what I was saying (Fun fact anyway when you add the -s, anyways, is not a word). I want to be a better person in the sense that I don't want to judge people, including myself, anymore because it is bad character. Also, I've noticed that in judging other people I've became more narcissistic and insecure. I think this is going to be a hard habit for me to break but the easiest thing for me to move on from mentally. I think it will be a struggle in the sense that I've been so judgmental, and my environment is so judgmental that it has become a reflex of a sort. Or something like an instinct. This is in no way acceptable behavior and I'm recognizing it now. Recognition is my first step towards changing/ fixing the problem. Though I struggle with this fault I don't see myself as any less of a person however. Everyone has faults mine just happen to be extremely shitty. I'm actively working to change them though as well as my mindset. Much of my judgment is rooted in envy. I am admittedly envious of many people that inhabit my daily life. However new feelings have helped see past this and pay more respect to myself and others.
I look at most people and see beauty; man or woman. I've always, for the most part, have seen people as pretty creatures and have recognized other people's natural belle like qualities, however have always seen myself as ugly. I don't think it is because I am actually ugly or anything like that. I think I'm unsatisfied with my looks in certain areas, but the root of physical irritation was listening to the world tell me I was either perfect and I should be grateful to have my body because other people would, or that I was too large to be pretty. There was never any in between. No one ever came to me and told me I should be comfortable in my body and who I am because my body already does so many things on it's own for me. It's only right for me to supply it with love and nurture. The example that comes to my mind, which isn't the best but it is an example is, the idea that our bodies are our brains machines. It doesn't necessarily matter how we look if were healthy and happy on the inside. My body is my machine and I need to maintain myself in order to stay healthy. This is the part where everyone brings up, washing your face, brushing your teeth, showers, lotions, working out, eating healthy, even sunscreen. It is all important for our "machine's" well-being. I don't want to go to the gym to be skinnier but to be stronger, healthier, more sustainable. I've never had a healthy relationship with working out until today. My mindset has never been able to shift in this way until today.
Okay. It is now time to address my non-negotiables.
1. WATER WATER WATER. Two litters is how much water I should be drinking a day. Two litters is about eight cups. Eight cups of water is 64 ounces. I feel that is a sensible and sustainable goal to repeat daily.
2. I want to read more books this year. I don't have an exact number goal set, however, I can begin by reading the books that are piled on my nightstand.
3. I want to take the dogs on more walks. It's in a sense cruel to keep them locked away and confining them to a cage in a world as big as this one. I want to take them out more, go for more car rides, get them a pup-cup even. I just want them to be as happier if not happier than me.
4. I want to make smarter choices when it comes to food. I feel like I can't go a day without wanting some chips or something with grease in it.
5. The biggest task I want to improve on in my life is I want to stop talking down on myself. Completely.

But for now, I am tired so this is goodnight.
TBC

- stronger and smarter