Notes

Alright so Im typing this out on notes so Im able to just type without worrying about everything going on, since right now Im just pretty messed up on everything and thats why I took the break today. I really hate doing this and not talking with you just sucks, but I just cant do this as often as we are. Im not saying this as a breakup, and Im not saying this so you change or for you to realize anything, Im just saying this to get it off my chest because I cant stop crying, every time the tears slow down I remember something and they come back again and again, It's been going on for half an hour and typing this wont help much, but I guess Im hoping it might in the long run of tonight.

First off, I want to apologize for everything. I know apologizing over text isnt meaningful and you wont think too much about it while reading it, but if I go off and start listing all of the bad things, in person, Ill start crying uncontrollably, pretty quickly. I mean even now while typing this Im crying and shaking, I really am quite unstable. I dont mean like crazy, but I mean like, my mood or emotions, if that makes sense? I go from being absolutely in love with you and knowing you feel the same, to questioning everything going on and then I get overwhelmed and start being dry or just stop talking to you. It isnt that I really want to, its just I dont know what to do, so I dont do anything at all. or you know, do bare minimum with the dry replies. I honestly hate these days so much, the ones where we dont talk. I love talking, and even more talking with you, it just makes me happy and smiley, and days like this when we dont talk I just feel off, like I miss you alot but I dont want to bug you or ask you to talk or anything. I took the break today since I really just couldnt take what was happening at the same time. As you probably know there's just alot of things I was looking forwards to doing with you, I know I wont be the only person doing them (like walks, meeting your cat, spending time, ect.) but I guess at times I just feel like Im waiting for no results? I mean I've asked probably clsoe to a hundred times, just to pet and meet your cat, or night walks, or hanging out, movies, art, theres just alot of things.. I probably should stop since its annoying but I guess I just love being around you. If you ask me to do anything I promise Ill try my best to if Im able to, so if this is something you genuinely want to end, I will make an effort to stop.

that was honestly a shit apology, It started decent and then progressively got worse so Ill try to redo it. Im really sorry. Ill start by saying, Im sorry. I think Im being too much and apart of me wants to step back and stop, but then Im losing how close I am with you and then Im worrying more and either way Im doing something that will end up hurting both of us, but I dont know which one Im supposed to do. If I keep doing this, Ill keep feeling the difference in energy and itll just keep being the same, where almost everyday I just get stormed with thoughts and I end up going dry and messing things up again. If I start being more nonchalant or whatever, I'll hate it since Im not able to tell you all of the things I want to (I still dont but, itll be alot less than even now), and I dont know how you'd feel about that either, since in all honesty I dont understand why you love me or why youre staying, and I dont even know if you know anymore. Back on track, Im really trying not to vent to you since I dont want things to be weird or you to ever say shit against me over it or acting differently or just anything to change over it, I still want to be seen the same and still be special but in all honesty Im pretty fucked up from my childhood and I dont know how to cope with it anymore, Ive been depressed since 11 or 12 I think, when I first got put back with my parents (just assuming this is when, I genuinely can barely remember my childhood since well, fostercare was the main issue I had going on) and then my parents were just very violent, I have alot of abandonment issues and anxiety and just, alot of issues from it all. Im very shaky and I flinch at almost anything, I get scared easily because I just get overwhelmed by fear, not by whats supposed to be scary but just I overthink about it and end up being overrun by the ideas and thoughts until I just cant move or talk, like if we ever play a horror game together youll see, I get freaked out over anything, I cant take it and I can start to tear up or panick over the most basic things. I begin to tear up at even just sharing how I feel to someone close by, I could vent to my counselor but I had to go home and just ended up breaking down, in his office I was crying but at home it just got worse from thinking about it. (sorry, I kind of started venting and ranting, I wasnt trying to just Im trying to open up and let you know me a bit better, without me having to tell you everything I had going on, so Im telling you small things) I'm really sorry for worrying so much and just being such a pussy, Im sorry for the way I am and I just dont know what else to say, Im trying to think of the best but I just cant. I know youre loyal and an amazing person, you honestly are, Im just terrified of losing you, Im scared youll leave or lose interest or gain interest in someone better, Im scared of just about everything. I do trust you, I promise you I do, Im just scared of losing you, and then I end up overthinking every little thing going on and it makes that fear so much worse. Im trying to apologize and explain but I feel like Im not doing good on this apology, and Im so sorry for that, Im just trying to calm down while doing this, and by doing that I cant think much and Im just typing what I can, I usually re-read everything but I cant tonight. Instead of giving reasons I think Im just going to apologize for everything I know Im doing wrong, and if theres more you need me to apologize for please let me know. Im sorry for overthinking, worrying, my mood-swings, being scared, needing reassurance, needing attention, and needing so much time Im sorry for being confused, jealous, distracted, clingy, attached, needy, dry, quiet, dull, and problematic, Im sorry for my high expectations and needs, if I ever hurt you, my questions, anxious, my sensitivity, my impatient-ness?, the way I love and every other issue I have.

This isnt all an apology, it isnt supposed to be since well, that isnt all I need to say or do, I also wanted to thank you for everything youve done, since in all honesty you've done way more for me than I can say. I was honestly suicidal at the time, taking 1-2 hour talks with my counselor and a close friend almost daily just trying to try to stop (I can take screenshots and show you if you want, It was with finoshi and if you want proof I can show you) . I think I told you a bit of it as a joke, but I was just kind of sharing the idea, and then you said itd be painful and it made me rethink it, and then a week later you asked me out. Right now Im doing alot better than I was, and I owe you alot for how much you've helped me. I dont want you to feel like if you leave me Ill do something stupid like that, since I wont. if I ever do get to that point and do it, please dont ever blame yourself or think it was over you, you did alot for me and I love you alot for it, and everything else you've done, and just you in general. as I said Im doing better and not thinking much of it anymore, Im just saying it since, I dont know if you want to leave me or not, I understand if you do since Ive been an asshole in all honesty, and bringing this up isnt supposed to make you stay, its me trying to thank you for the help youve done. You've also helped in alot of other ways, like all of the changes you've done, replying quicker, spending some time with me, loving me and the sweet things you've said that will always put a smile on my face, the little snacks you'd get me on the bus, unfriended the guys you knew were making me scared, all the reassurance you've given me when I was worrying, the one paragraph you typed just explaining how you saw me, and so much more. Even the playlist you gave me for my birthday, Ive started using spotify instead of youtube just to listen to it.

You've done so much for me, and Im really sorry for how I am and act, you deserve better and Im trying to be better, but its honestly difficult for me to work on myself. I promise I am, it might not be obvious but Im trying to stop being so nervous and overthinking so it isnt such a big issue of mine. Itll take awhile before its low enough to the point it isnt my main issue, but Im trying to fix it and get better.

I want to bring up how much I love you. and why I do love you if you haven't seen it yet. I don't know if I've told you just yet why I'm in love with you and the main thing is just, your personality is so perfect. That might sound dumb but you're honestly so fun to be around, every time I'm with you I smile or try to be close, or I just end up laughing at silly things you do or say. I love being in the same room as you, and being in the same bus seat might be little or annoying to you but I love it so much, I just enjoy being able to be close with you and do small things like hold hands or rest my head on your shoulder like I did today. I love being able to be around you and there's still a lot more I love about you. Like how kind you are. You might not see it, but all of the things you've done, or tried to do for me, and then the snacks, or when you let me use the polaroid (I try to be careful) or your phone, or you let me draw on you, it's just really generous and nice, I love it a lot, especially drawing on your hands. I know I can do better but it's just fun to see you laugh at the dumb drawings Id make, so I keep making those really awful ones (you usually wash them off 😞) and then the small snacks Youd get while thinking of me when out with friends, the snacks are always something you'd think about, like if I liked it or not (Id honestly take anything, even a rock you picked up and gave to me as a gift) The snacks were always good but I loved the idea more, just how much thought you put into them, I want to be able to do it back for you. and the polaroid, I know it's a big thing to you and being able to take photos with it is fun, or you giving me the one photo of sassy (I still love it <3) and I usually destroy the ones of me since well, I really just dont want to be made fun of since as I said, I can't handle it, and I feel like I look horrible so I break it, but if you honestly want one then just please dont show me it, just take it without me seeing and don't show me it (unless I seem like, panicky over it, then I probably would want to see it or Ill end up overthinking, so js, don't say anything or show it if I ask a lot, if I ask once then probably just say no or lie about it). There's also how you're okay with me going on your phone, Ill try to always respect your privacy and messages and stuff but idk, it's just kind of a sweet gesture to be able to do games and stuff while you make silly comments. and and then ONTOP of all of that, there's everything you've done for me? its honestly so fucking sweet, I love it way too much and i can see how hard you're trying to make things work, but you aren't the issues, you're being an amazing person its mostly just me, and I need to get over myself and issues. of course, there's so many more things I love about you, and I can explain them all to you (just like, ask) but I'm just trying to tell you the big things and explain them, so you know Im not just saying things to say them, I honestly mean almost everything I say. (unless it's a joke or I'm being dumb)