Notes

hey so Im going to be typing but youre upset, which I understand why you would be and we obviously need to talk so well, Ive spent a bit typing this all out. it might be smaller, or worse than usual, or typing errors but honestly Im really doijng bad right now, my arms hurt from shaking all day but samarahs been talking with me and telling me how you feel so I wanted to type this out, so you atleast know the situation and how I saw things, and you can always tell me your side of it if youd like

So first I guess I should bring up the main issue, why I unadded you. For roblox and snapchat its more just simple and I guess petty, discord I had a reason but not a good one by any means. Roblox was from thursday or friday, which I think I told you about, I did that a few days ago. Snapchat well, kind of the same thing, just saw you check the story and then left on read for 4 days so I unadded you because well, just was hurting alot last night and then got sick of seeing left on read for howevery many days itd say (it says 2 different times for my laptop and phone)

For discord, its not a good reason but ig it just hurt alot on the bus to be left on read while you were actively talking to lunar and kinda saw how fast youd reply to them and how Im usually left waiting around 5 minutes, so I just started over thinking and shut up on the bus and moved away, then quickly got off and just laid in the booth as I tried not to think too much of it, so I slept for a bit and then left early, walked home and still nothing so I just started playing roblox so I wouldnt think about it, and then I got banned and had nothing to do, so I just went on tiktok and then started getting worse and worse by each video, just kept seeing things that killed my mood and i ended up crying for an hour, and for 30 minutes it was just really awful where I couldnt breath and my head was shaking to the point I couldnt even see the video, just hear the audios of people yelling or the shit audios about depression and other things, my cheeks and nose were just burning and I got a really bad headache, I still have it. I ended up biting my wrist as I cried to try to stop, still have a faint mark from it and I have a photo if you dont believe me. I mean since thursday shit just has kept getting worse and worse and last night I just broke down. I skipped today because Im just way too sensitive right now and Ive already been crying on the bus and free period on monday and tuesday, even a bit yesterday but not too much, I dont want anyone to just be watching me cry so I skipped, and then I have therapy at 3 pm today.

I know my reason isnt good and the unadding part was just because I saw you talking to other people about the haircut and how you were having a great day, which Im happy for you for, but I was just doing really horrible last night, I mean I had to go to counseling and he gave me a packet for self harm since I talked to him about just about everything since I cant think anymore. I just started overthinking everything which made me feel even worse, and I was already doing awful so I just unadded you so I could try to get better because when I go quiet or unadd you its because I dont want to fuck up, usually when Im really depressed or overthinking literally everything and just cant do anything for myself but let it happen, and I usually check your profile during those so, I unadd you so Im forced to stop checking it and I dont say anything stupid.



I dont think Im doing better from the entire thursday-saturday thing, I just havent had time to actually get better from it since monday was shit, tuesday was shit, and then yesterday is when I couldnt deal with it. Samarah told me about how youll eventually leave me if I cant get better and I just want to say please if you want to, go ahead. I know you said you didnt want to or you couldnt last time but Im honestly doing so shit and every week theres just something that makes me worse and worse. Im really bad with all of my issues and I dont want to hurt you or do anything wrong, I just get overwhelmed so easily and I probably could list abunch of things that might help but I dont even know if they would or wouldnt, and Id just feel guilty and awful over doing that so, I havent tried thinking about it.



I really cant talk about these things easily and im trying to. I know you said "if he doesnt want me he can have her" and Im not cheating on you, I never will. I told you about her for a reason. My mood isnt off because Im loving you less or loving someone more, Ive been a wreck all week, Ive tried talking to you about it and I know you arent good at these things but I take almost everything seriously, and end up overthinking about it. Im not blaming you at all, Its my fault completely but idk, I just need reassurance or help or comfort or just something, and then I try to go to you for it and get left on read or get a meme or really low effort and then I feel annoying and bad for trying so it just hurts alot and I end up going to someone else, it isnt because I want to just, Its genuinely been something I need when Im really like this.

I really just need to get better but working on myself is one of the hardest things for me, I just really suck at it. I know I can but I just really dont know what to do or how to do it or what to do when Im overthinking and then I fuck it up by trying to fix it. I mean if I talk to you about the issues or whatever I feel really bad myself, but if I dont then you feel bad, either way either Im an asshole or Im being hurt.

it doesnt help that samarah and tegen have been just shit talking me all day, I took the day off to try to relax and Ive had to explain this to them all day, thankfully tegen shut up quickly and samarah has been kind of understanding.

therapist helped the most so far, which Im really shocked about, tried talking to you and friends but nothing, so Im happy I was able to talk to him a bit about this all and get actual fucking responses, which Im thankful for, helped calm me down so much in all honesty.

to be honest I do think we need to talk or hangout more in person but I am just getting sick of needing to beg for attention from you, and I dont want to do it this weekend since Ive already asked to do stuff for all previous weekends just to be turned down, I dont want to just end up feeling shit knowing its only when you want to talk that we can actually hang out and talk or do something in person, so Id prefer a school day when you dont have work to keep it consistent.

I can say alot more if youd like but I dont want to do too much, or too little so if this isnt enough let m eknow so I can type more out. Not trying to make things worse but atp I think there needs to be change or one of us will end it, I can change but you need to tell me what to, because every time I've tried to stop my issues it makes things worse.