Notes

when I was in foster care, every time I got close to someone, in a few months or a year they'd be replaced by a new foster parent. I grew up in the system and I don't even know when I was taken away or for how long. My dad left when I was around 2, and my mom became violent from him leaving and I ended up being put in foster care over her hitting me and my sisters (I wasnt in grade school, older sister was in preschool or first grade). On top of that, I've been in therapy for years with multiple therapists, and every time I open up to them about issues, they'd end up calling cps again and reporting it all back to the system. It was more or less, the people who were supposed to help me, where doing things that got me beaten up even worse by my parents. Everyone in my family that I've met (besides my dad and brother, I didn't get to meet them) have beaten me. My moms ex used to kick my ass and I was sent to the hospital a few times over him. he was always drunk on vodka or beer or whatever drink he could get, he was getting us evicted from so many houses and he was violent as shit. I still have marks on my body from some of the things he did and the only reason he isn't in my life currently is because one night I tried standing up to him because he was in my room and shouting at me over something I didn't do. I ended up talking back and he pushed me against my bed and began choking me and telling me threats like this one I remember, "Ill slit your throat, chop your body up into tiny pieces, put you in a suitcase and throw you over a bridge into the missiri river, You'll be eaten by the fish and never be missed or remembered" or something along the lines of that, I forget exactly how it went but most of that I remember. Anyways my little sister heard him saying this and began screaming, which woke my mom up and then he got off me and left, I couldn't call the cops over it since they never helped us before, and if they didn't help me the night, I called them I'd probably have been murdered, or got beaten again. My sister took photos of my neck and then a few weeks later we called the cops over my older sister (ill get to her after this) and while the cops where there we showed the photos and told them the story and he got detained for it, I had to go to court and be a defendant or whatever, tell the story Infront of the judges and jury and eventually he got arrested on a lot of different things. His parents bailed him out, since they were rich and retired, they had bailed him out of jail so many times before so it was obvious, they would now. I got a restraining order from the court after he was bailed out, and a few months later he was arrested again for illegally flying out of state (on probation) to Mexico, where he had illegally purchased a gun, he was arrested again for that and I think bailed out again, but I don't know. He was a real asshole and did so much shit to fuck up my life ever since I got out of foster care, to 14 years old in 8th grade

Next, I guess I'll talk about my older sister, her name was Cadance and she again, is a real asshole. She was in juvie since she has really bad anger issues, and she eats so much due to a different issue, so she's very obese, like 400-500 lbs. and taller than me. Shes a lot more violent than my mom's ex (wade, I forgot to mention his name), When wade was gone for jail, Cadance began to try to take charge, and because of her weight there wasn't much I could do. I can't fight back at all, and she was more aggressive so if I did try do anything back, she'd made sure to do whatever she could to hurt me. I mean she bit my sister's cheek for splashing her with water as a joke at a pool a few years ago, she's broken TVs, furniture, she's thrown chairs at people and broke my mom's ribs, she's just a horrible person. I've been beaten by her, one time she attacked me for literally just watching tv when she wanted to, she pulled my hair and started punched my head and kicking my stomach, over a fucking tv. She's broken countless items and been detained so many times, there's so much to her and she's such an issue, but she grew up to 18 and got kicked out, right now I think she's homeless because she hates working, but she can't come back or she'll just be just as violent and make it so we have no food again (we can barely even afford food as it is now, I barely eat after school, most nights I don't eat dinner or breakfast and only lunch at school, it's embarrassing to have your stomach growl in class every day)

Onto my younger sister, her name is Isabella (I call her Izzy), She was in foster care with me, and she isn't so bad, but she has really bad ADHD, so she constantly is hyper and when she gets mad, she gets violent. She's smaller, and younger than me so I can deal with her, but I don't fight her, I just try to stop her since I really can't hurt people, I feel awful. She doesn't try to punch though, she grabs objects and starts hitting me with broomsticks, or fly swatters, or just whatever she can grab to try to hit or throw at me. She's probably the only reason Im still sane though, she's been the only person I've ever had who'd comfort me when I was in my room ranting about how shit everything was. I never cried Infront of her I think, since I just can't cry Infront of people unless I trust them genuinely with my life, or I get so overwhelmed I start breaking down in public, like one time at school.

And my mom well, I really don't like to bad talk her since she's my mom, but she's just as awful. She watched, and joined wade when he'd beat me, beat me as a kid, like a really young kid, 3-4, she's screamed at me over anything and she used to date guys who she'd let touch me, or my little sister. She's always playing victim and fakes almost everything, she's really just a horrible person, but she's been getting better ever since she got this new boyfriend. (not really new, it's over a year now) I won't say much about her since I don't want to bad talk her too much, and she's actually been trying to change.

Onto me, since I can't say all of this about them and leave me out, you already know some of my issues, and I'll get to all of them in a bit, I just want to talk a little about how I used to be. So, you know a bit about my past from this, mostly just my families and not much of my experiences, which I won't bother saying since most of them are the exact same, just people leaving or getting beaten. I used to be really depressed, and its gross but I was so bad one summer that I couldn't even leave my room to shower or get food for 3 months straight, I just, sat there. I mean I was staying up for along as I could, for multiple days in a row. I think 5 was the worst it was at times, give or take a day. I used to stay up all night on school nights, or 4 am every night at the very least, I had a few friends at the time but then I eventually met Samarah and slowly got better as I made more friends because of her. I didn't have a haircut for so long, and I was just a complete mess. I ate like shit, I slept like shit, I was just a shit person. Thankfully, now I'm doing better but I'm still quite depressed and I've become sort of suicidal over the years. I'm not saying this in like a cringey way or anything, its just how I honestly am.