Notes

Our conversation after I got back from Spain has bounced around in my head off and on since. I wanted to figure out what had bothered me so much about you teasing me while we were together. You brought up some very valid points when we talked, and I didn't handle the situation well. At the same time, there was something that still hurt. And despite being a therapist, it can still be difficult for me to figure out what goes on inside my head. So here's what I have figured out, and just to be clear I am not upset or even hurt anymore, I just want to have open communication between us. We both joked, teased, a poked a little fun at each other while we were together, so I can truly understand your confusion by my reaction. The truth is it took me a really long time to really be comfortable in my own skin, and some of your jokes hit nerves reminding of time when I wasn't. When I was a teenager, I wasn't okay a lot of the time. I did several things, including the ways I sometimes tried to coped, that I feel shame about (e.g., "burrowing"), which why I reacted the way I did. I have always admired the way you have (at appeared to) be comfortable and confident in who you are even as a teenager. Your ability to take huge risks, like moving all over the world, even in you becoming a musician and performing. You have always had types of courage I didn't. At the same time I have felt at times a level superficiality to our interactions and relationship, and that is something that I really struggle with in general. However, you were right that in many ways we don't really know each other, and I feel really sad about that. I also am not entirely sure how to change that. I struggle quite a bit with maintaining close relationships (and sometimes with creating them), with the exception of a handful of people. Yet I also up until a few years ago defaulted to assuming my relationships outside that handful were always closer than they were. I was able to let go of a lot of acquaintances that vi assumed were friendships during the pandemic, which was really helpful for me to see who were the people I had true friendships with and to focus on those. However, unfortunately it didn't give me the skills to strengthen the relationships with those that I would like to be closer with, which includes you.

Love
T.C.