Notes

You cannot outrun destiny, brother. You just cannot. Kitna bhi haath pair chalalo, jab uparwale ko dena hai tabhi dena hai.
Now you are feeling good but the moment you start thinking about it again, the thing that she will date someone else, she will be happily married with that guy, sharing all those cute romantic moments that she has with him all on Twitter with you all. Ye sab will hurt you a lot. Will make your heart ache a lot. Its natural to feel that way but the extent depends on how much hopes you keep. hurt toh lagne wala hai. you stress a lot about getting hurt when it is quite natural to happen. hurt nahi hoga aise hoga hi nahi bhai. sabko hoga if they were in your place. usko bhi hoga if vice versa case. so tu iska stress mat le ki hurt kaise na ho. theek hai yaar its okay if you feel that way. koi galat nahi hai usme aur na hi kisi ki galti. I will tell you one thing. Never suffer in imagination. Reality mein dukhi hona hi hai if that thing does happen. aisa nahi hai ki pehle se imagine karke you wont feel bad when it happens. reality mein jab hoga tab sad lagne hi wala chahe kuch bhi karlo. Toh phir kyun imagination mein ye sab soch ke suffer karna pehle se hi. When you worry about something going wrong, you suffer twice. one when it happens and one in your imagination when you worry. but if you dont worry about something that has not happened, you will suffer only once i.e when if it actually happens. so now decide whats better. do baar suffer karna hai ya ek baar. its easy.
hope balance kaise karu? no one can actually. there will be phases where you will feel very hopeful while there will be some where you wont. A good solution to this could be to keep yourself busy. focus on productivity. jitna mind ko free rakhoge, utna hi woh sochne lagega. jitna woh sochega, imagine karega utne hopes badhte jayenge unnecesaarily. bahar jao, saans lo, padhai karo, logon se baat karo, routine follow karo. Natural raho. Naturally hopes ko kam ya zyada hone do. usme koi galti nahi hai.
and even if you lose, you have fought a good fight. Enjoy karo yaar ye moments. Be happy. Aur yahi happiness se dua maango bhagwaan se. unhe aur accha lagega.

Current Situation:
She considers me as a special friend. Values me. The amount of things she has done for me, prayed for my happiness over her wanting to be with me; thats truest love. Paid an extra dollar at Christmas tree, wrote Aniket's happiness as a wish. Can there be anything more beautiful and heartwarming than this? Yet I failed to realise it and led to disappointment, massive one. Still after so much, she still wants me, as her friend, which is paramount to her. It shows that she still values me. Whether or not she will do the same things as before, no I am not going to question that or doubt that ever. I am never gonna do the same mistake. Its my own insecurity and anxious attachment style that needs to be fixed and I will fix it. I will trust her that everything is as it is as before. The vibes and connection. So I am going to act as before. Even if she doesnt express or feel like previously, I am going to act like Old Ani and earn her feelings back. Thats my job to do. Not her. And it will happen, over time. These things take time. Infact with more and more time, the stronger it will get if you keep behaving normally.
She is truly Gods favourite child, such a pure soul and she chose me as a friend, developed pure love for me, those cute imaginations, dreams with me, fantasies and so much more. I am blessed. Yes I fumbled it but then I have gotten a second chance to be with her. God has given me that otherwise things could have been over after that incident. I am not gonna waste it now. I will earn back this level of connection over time. Patience is the key. I am not going to doubt her or question her feelings for me. She considers me as a good friend. Anyways the best relationships are where you have friendship. So yeah. All I have to do is act normally and just be with her. She doesnt want any new Ani, she wants the Old Ani. Jo hua wo hua, whatever it is, its in the past. "Kuch badla nahi hai da is what she says". So I have to trust her on this and I have to just act normally like I used to. Time and Gannu will do the rest. Who knows it might become something more special than before. So yeah. Patience. Just being normal and easy going with her. If you still doubt whether she still has the small hopes of being with you after all that happened, then thats your issue to deal with it. What if she finds someone else later on then I will only feel sad like I was delusional all this while? Feelings do change over time and thats not your mistake. She will be feeling for you right now but it can change over time. Thats natural. So dont blame yourself and call yourself being delusional and stuff. That will only make it worse. Trust your heart. Listen to it and follow. Heart is the simplest and purest, whatever complexities you throw at it, it will always give a simple clean response. So listen to it. For your own peace, think of this like a restart of the journey to win her heart, make her fall for you, but this time with more maturity and not repeating the mistakes and full of happy cheerful vibes. And the wholesomeness. And for this you, all you can do is act normally and let Time and Gannu decide. So Chill, take it easy, have fun, laugh and stop thinking about this now. This short chapter is closed. Move ahead to the next one. Shoo. Now its about your own feelings and growth.

The Future:
I shouldnt be thinking like this you know. Its terrible, this thought process. See this is the difference between your love and her love for you.
She has the truest form of love for you. She wishes some other girl in your life because she knows you have gone through so much so far, that you havent had any magical experience and the fact that it is extremely uncertain whether she herself can be with you because of the situation. She also isnt actively looking for love and all because its the responsibilities that she has in the forefront of her mind. But still she knew pyaar hoga and it happened with you. She wants you, she wants to be with you, so many imaginations and everything but she knows this is so uncertain and doesnt want you to suffer any longer hence she held back her feelings and prays someone else comes and makes you happy soon. She wants me to be happy, thats it. That will be her medicine for the sadness she will feel when its not me who will be with her. If this isnt true love, then what is? But she still has feelings for you and unless any one of you gets a partner, her heart will always keep wishing that somehow some path will lead us to be together. Cause you can delude your mind but not your heart. It feels what it feels.
What you feel isnt true love no matter how much you say it is. You have thought of ways of her not getting a job there and hence returning back here. You have thought about her not getting h1b visa so that she will return here after a year. You have also thought that what if she is single after 4-5 years or the probablity of it, so that you can have a golden chance of proposing her when she comes back home and starts looking for marriage. Now two of these three scenarios are something which will make her sad. Really sad. Because that is the main goal of her to go to the US so that she can fulfill the responsibilities which you are also aware of and you also have those to fulfill. Yet you have it in yourself thinking that it should happen. You are wishing for her sadness just because you want her. She wishes for your happiness ultimately even if it means she cannot have you. This is the biggest difference. What you have is more of an obsession and not love. Love is not what is supposed to hurt. You are never going to be at peace with this story if you keep on thinking like this. So let go of those two scenarios. This is how God is testing your love and whether it really deserves for you both to come together. I mean yeah the last once isnt which will hurt her. So yeah you can think of it. Because that will not only make her happy because of her goals getting fulfilled but also a big chance to be with you. A win win situation. This is what is the only scenario you should be praying for specifically. So now let go of the first two scenarios and prove that you truly love her.
I suggest you to just think and vent it for once and final, those two scenarios and dump them completely. Not opening that trash can again.
Job: She is definetly going to get one lol. No point in discussing about all this. Only question is whether she gets an internship which will get her another chance at the lottery apart from the existing one. But that is also something which I believe she will get knowing her skills and personality. So yeah no point in considering this. Dump.
Visa: She will most likely get an internship and also an early return offer which means she will get 2 shots at lottery; one in Mar 24 and other in Mar 25 i.e atleast 3 chances if we count second draws if they are conducted. It could be 4 too, mostly. The chances for this year were horrible but there will be a good increase because of the proposed rule to counter fraud applications. It could be around 27-30 %. Going by her track record of luck, she will definetly get the visa with this probablity and the amount of chances. Which means shes gonna stay there for 4-5 years. Not getting the visa means she will have to come here back home. She will have to find a job here. Now you dont know in which city she will land a job. Ofc she would prefer something in MH but the money will matter the most. The dream scenario would be her finding that job in Pune. Oh god that will be truly magical. It seals the deal for you. Perfect jackpot. But again thats an immeaurable probablity. Fine though if she lands in another city, she can travel here to you if you truly have those feelings. But also here in the offices, there would be a lot of people trying to hit on her and since it will all be desi men, that could pose a threat to you. But anyways that wont matter if you both meet immediately and commit. Anyways Im going too far now. But the big fact is that the pay here is not great enough as compared to the US to pay off the education loan. Apart from that, she has her siblings to take care to reduce the burden of her dad. She did tell you about this. Quite a lot of responsibilities. Its gonna be so tough for her to manage. Do you really wish for that? And do remember you have responsibilities too, which you arent quite working towards to fulfill. Anyways thats a different story. But you do realise the gravity of it.
So both of these things are only gonna go against her major goals. Please do understand this. Something for which she has taken a huge decision of going to the states so far from her family. She misses them so much she has told you as well. She has taken a huge risk of the visa lottery. So many things she has sacrificed just to be able to provide for her family. And you were hoping for these two things that exactly go against this objective of her. Just so that you could meet and become something? Jesus bro. Stop it. Dump this. Literally. You dont love her if you wish for these things. Its just an obsession. And on the other hand, she loves you in the purest way. Sigh. You have not only failed yourself but her feeling to you. I wont mince words but you dont deserve to end up with her if this is the feeling that you have. Its just so sad. Anyways. The only way you can being deserving is to remove this hope from your mind and pray that she has a succesful career with honesty. DUMP.

Which brings me to the last major scenario and the most likely one: the one you can hope and wish for.
bc gaand fat gayi shaadi sunn ke, hari om. 2028 mhntli. mi mhntla kay aahe tevha. ti mhntli tujha lagna. are bccccccccccccc. mag mhnali ho tu tar 27 cha hoshil na. 27 la baghitla ki mag 28 la hota. asa mhnali. bcccccc anxiety ali rao. ek tar ha vishay chalue tyat parat he ata. bccccc mcccccc fukin hellllllll. ek min bc ek min. kay zhala. 27 la start mhnali na ti. mhnjeeeeeeeee. are lavdya gap mala mahitye tu kay vichar kartoyes nako re nako parat tya vatela jau. mi 27 cha mhnje ajun 4 years aahet. shya 5 asle pahije hote. ka tula thambaychay ka itka vel. btw tu jitka logic lavshil titka parat disappoint hoshil. nehemicha pattern aahe ha. atta tu logic lavun khush kartoyes swatahla. nantar asach kahitari logic lavun dukhi pan hoshil. its a cycle which has wasted so much of your time. ho mahitiye pan atta thoda sa karu de. bar sang jasta deep nasel tar. ha tar mi mhnt hoto ki mi 27 cha asel tevha start karnar baghaychi process i.e year 2028. bata de bhai, karde vent, timepass mat kar. 2028 mhnje ajun 4 years. 4 years that person should be single over there. mi tar rahen tasa pahila tar. 4 madhle 1.5 tar college madhyech jaatil, rahile kiti mag 2.5 years. tyat pan pahile 2 years job madhye ghasali jaate bekkar especially 1st year. so majha tari theek aahe. tujha theek aahe re lmao tu tar kayam pan single rahshil, ticha vishay aahe, tyacha kay. haan tech. 4 years single rahna khup kami chance aahe. ekdum low probablity. 6 months tar kahi vishay nahi mostly asa vattay, college madhyech asnar. college madhye tari nahiye koni ticha. nahitar atta paryant vishay zhala asta kahitari. main vishay job life madhye aahe. tithe barech factors aahet majhya against. ek tar ti dusri kade janar rahayla, friends pasun laamb so tithe tila ekta vatnar unless tila parat luckily changli roomie bhetel. ekta vatna mhnje ha factor konitari partner shodhnya madhye contribute karu shakto. ithe sagle besties hotya mhnun tila vichar pan karava lagla nahi. aani tithe gelyvar company madhye chance marnar konitari. hi ashi aahe ki chance marnyachi probablity khup high aahe. aani tithla job culture pan ekdum chill asta. ithlya sarkha hectic nahi ki hya saglya che chances kami. konipan sahaj tila coffee la vicharu shakta. aani tihla work life balance pan chill aahe so tila khup free time asnar. free time mhnje alich chinta, konala bhetli tar. te dakhavtat na movies series madhye tasa. arey thike re chill ata kay karu shakto. tasa ek goshta tujhya favour madhye aahe ki ti tya lokanna anna bolun takel lmao. hi tendency aahe tichi karan. ha pan he kadhi pan change hou shakta, premat loka lagech badaltat, vibe match zhali, crush ala ki zhala, so mhnun hya factor cha mi jasta positive sangu shakat nahi. better to leave it as it is. kay hotay baghu. hona. aani ajun ek mhnje jasa age hoil ticha tasa ti jasta active vhayla suru hou shakte mulga shodhayla, karan lagna chi vel yeil aani arrange marriage nakoy konala, so ha ek danger zone aahe, karan tini tharavla tar tila saglech loka ho mhntil. ha motha vishay aahe. yeah barobar. ha danger zone kiti lavkar chalu hoil te pan aahe. lavkar chalu zhala tar vaat laagli. haan. pan are hyachyat ek silver lining aahe. kay re? hya danger zone madhye zar ka tichya gharchyankadun vishay nighala hya baddal tar tu chance maru shakto masta. mhnje kasa. arey mhnje certain age zhalyavar tiche parents tila mhntil na lagna cha kay, future plan vagere, mulga shodhaycha pan vishay nighu shakto. mag jevha ha vishay nighel, tevha barobar tu tila approach karu shakto, love cum arrange marriage type. tevha til saangu shakto ki majhya gharche pan baghtil so aapan aplya aplya gharchyanna sangu shakto. aani he sagla sangayla ekdum easy padel karan tumchyat titki understanding aahe. are ho re hi masta oppurtunity aahe. haan pan zar ka tichya ayushyat koni mulga asel tar hi baatmi tujha game karel saral lolololol. are bc hasto kay. sorry sorry. pan ha mulga asel already mag tar tasahi vishay sampto tujha, hi baatmi yeo na yeo. main mhnje tula hi gharchi baatmi kalli pahije tichya kadun. tarach tula chance maarta yeil. aani hyasathi tula tichya close contact madhye rahava lagel, jasa atta aahe kiva tyapeksha jasta. ho barobar. haan mhnun hi friendship thevavi lagel tula. hona. correct. pan ti active pan asli pahije twitter var. te asnare mostly. kay karnare inactive houn, itka vel asel aani ithe baaki loka aahet na, ritz, sai, pri ka vagere. haan barobar, jauda ha vishay. so basically 4 years cha vishay aahe bagh. he sagla vichar karna kahi vait nahiye tasa, better than h1b which kinda doesnt sit right with me. baghu ata kay hotay. 4 years kharach single rahili tar mag tar 101% tumcha destined aahe aani honarach aahe asa mhnu shakto. lets see. adventure aahe tasa. adventure sarkha treat kar mhnje jasta traas honar nahi.