Notes

right im gonna type on here because its my laptop so no one will see it,
i genuinly dont know what to do anymore i thought i knew and had everything under control but i really dont.
i really like this boy like alot and its not just some little kid crush i actually think hes the first boy ive actually loved and its hurting me so much to not contact him, i dont really know whats stopping me to be fair i guess its just the fact that i dont wanna look like a complete dickhead for someone that probably doesnt care one bit.i acc love him so much its bad and it gets to me so much bc we have these moments where we will stop talking for a while i dont really get why we both never communicate with it we just let it be knowing we will be back and im so fed up of it i wanna tell him so much how i feel but again i dont wanna look like a dickhead if he doesnt feel the same.at the moment were not speaking but were not in no contact either like we wont talk all day then we will have that one little convo late at night to basically let eachother know we are still here when eachother are ready. now dont get me wrong i would do absoloutly anything right now to have him back but im genuinley just not in a good place whatsoever but then i havent been in a good place since he left so is that why do i acc really need him back instead of trying to better myself on my own because at the end of the day he is always the one to take me out of a dark place in my life and i dont know what i would do without him and writing this makes me realise how much he means to me and how much i cant just let him go like its absolutley nothing because its not its really not okay at all i love him so much and i cant let that go anymore but i dont know how im gunna get things back now bevcause i feel like ive messed everything up and its all my fault because i cant trust amnything for shit so whenever he does something ill overthink it and not speak to him i dont know whats wrong with me i miss him so much. at the end of the day i know i love him because if it ever came down to it and it was him or everyone else in my life i would choose him every single time he makes me so happy and i acc cant bare it without him.
there was this one moment in the park where i will remeber it forever as it was the first moment where i knew i loved him and i wouldnt give up on him. that night he looked at me like i was the only girl in the whole world like it was us againts the world like i could trust him with everything in me just looking into eachothers eyes i knew i was safe and thats rare because we were in a park at 7 at night pitch black with no one but us but when i looked at him everything and all my problems went away and it was just us i dont think i acc thought about anything else it was like i was happy for the first time and i havent felt that happy since i was last with my grandad who died a few years ago now and he was the one who brang that girl back and i cant just leave that like it was nothing bc it wasnt nothing. that moment i trusted him with my life and it felt like i knew him for ages and i felt comfortable you should of seen the way he looked into my eyes i love him.