I hate Jeffrey with all my force. He is stupid, oblivious, annoying and I just want to punch him and beat him up, or maybe i just want Elsa to do that. Although, what I hate most about him is the fact that i might have a tiny crush on him. Sure, he is tall, cute, nice, and he's even Asian. But I barely even know him; I only just started talking to this guy like a week ago. I made a huge mistake by sending him like 56 emails. I probably overdid it, but it makes me happy because he replied most of them. I don't even know why i like him...well, IDK. Last week, we talked to each other for like 20 mins straight. He might be my "best guy friend", even if he isn't my friend. But then again, there's Piotr. This person was my previous crush that I lost interest in recently. Life is super complicated and i just want to die for a day. Of course i'm not gonna suicide, because there isn't any point. Why did they have to come to MY school? They couldn't have gone to St-Anne or something together? Why did I have to become friends with Elsa? At first i thought it was a miracle because if I hadn't met her, I never would have met Jeffrey, and maybe even Piotr. I hate the fact that I like Jeffrey because crushes make me crazy. This is why I hate/love boy drama. You know what makes it even worst? Even Elsa and Lindsay and possibly Allyssa ship me with Jeffrey. I want to keep emailing him, but I think the 56 messages made it awkward between us. If I did message him, I wouldn't know what to say or what to expect. During the weekend, I imagined WAY too much. I thought that maybe he liked me and took interest in me. But after today, i seriously doubt that that's the case. Who knows? I wish that i could just read people's minds and see if they like me as a friend, in the OTHER way, or if they simply just hate me. It's so hard to tell without magic powers or some mood detecting machine. I wish that I had no boy drama right now because boys hurt me way too much. I wasn't subtle enough with Jeffrey, and now everyone thinks I like him except for Dany ( THANK YOU DANY). I was more subtle with Piotr, and the only person who suspected us was Dany (I may or may not have told her). Now don't even get me started with Eric. He is an annoying son of a bitch, but my first impressions on him (after 7 years) is that he is really sweet, but extremely annoying. The thing is, I used to have a major crush on him back in 1st and 2nd grade. I don't understand how Elsa manages to not like ANY of these people. She gets so much unwanted attention from them, and I'm pretty sure one of them likes her, but then again, this is probably all in my head. I don't even think I know what "love" is. I don't even think I know what a crush is. I feel like all boys that talk to me like me. The only one that I haven't "returned feelings" is Raymond. Everyone thinks he likes me, but I just ignore him, and that makes me feel horrible. I'm always super ignorant towards him and he doesn't even have any friends, so this makes me feel even worse. I really hate boys if they're not going to like me back, even as a friend. I really hope that some day, I'll find my lucky guy and be happy with him. While writing this, I realized that I don't hate Jeffrey just for being Jeffrey. I hate myself for liking him. And Piotr. And Eric in the past. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has to deal with this, or if every other one does too. Actually, I know for a fact that I'm not the only one feeling this in the whole world, but I don't know if I'm the only one within my grade, or my friends. I most probably am within my friends, and I am too scared to talk to them about it. I'm scared that they would make fun of me. Wait. No. I'm not scared of that. I'm actually afraid that I'll bother them. That they wouldn't understand my feelings because they've never felt it themselves. And how am I even supposed to tell them? Recite this whole paper that's probably 5000 words long? So I guess that in the end, my emotions are...confused. And lonely. And afraid. I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry. And scream. But I can't. I have to stay strong. Screaming and crying won't change anything. I just have to wait it out, and this feeling will go away. It has gone away for Gabriel Nached and Francois Tessier. And Kevin Wong. And Eric Liu. And Alexandre Lefrancois. But the thing is, I don't know how long I'll be able to wait without cracking. I hate school, but every morning, I am always excited to go because I get to see Jeffrey. Then at school, I'm like "Shit. I really messed things up between us". I'm pretty sure he hates my guts now because I overly annoyed him. I'm scared because no one understands me. I'm too chicken to tell my parents about it because it's embarrassing when people know. Even the people who raised me. Then I bet people are gonna say "Then tell your siblings". I would tell them if they were closer to my age. If they were like 12-13 years old then I would most definitely tell them. But they are like 6-8 years older than me and they both have a girlfriend/boyfriend. They would end up saying "Oh Moy. You're too young for these things and you should just live life as a child." Well guess what? I'M TRYING. I wouldn't come to you for advice if I didn't know that. I'm trying really hard to try to forget about crushes, but I just...can't. Yes, I admit it, I feel anger. At myself. When i reread this, I'll probably say "What the hell is wrong with me? This is not what i feel at all". Well it is. I just don't want to think it is because I'm embarrassed. I'm probably trying to see it from different point of views, and when there isn't any anymore, I finally admit to myself whatever. You see? I even forgot what I'm writing about because I'm so frustrated. I want to say thank you. Thank you "How to" wiki for helping me get by Jeffrey. Writing this down seriously helped me. A lot. I, myself find it ridiculous that I've written this much about Jeffrey. But it helped.
