Notes

I haven’t written anything for a very long time.
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I haven’t written anything for a very long time. Almost 11 months. And I don’t have a good reason. I have reasons, but none of them are “good”. But I want to write again. So I’m going to start with why I didn’t write for 11 months. Not because it really matters. But because maybe writing it down will make me feel better. Or maybe someone will read this and think, “huh, I feel that way too, maybe I should just plow through those feelings and realize they’re self destructive”.
Who knows. But it can’t hurt.
So with that, there are 3 reasons I stopped writing: 1) It takes a lot of time, and I don’t have a lot of time, 2) I don’t have anything interesting/new to say, it’s just a lot of regurgitating of things I hear on podcasts and through the news, 3) I’m not very good at it.
I want to tackle these one by one. Because that’s just how my brain works.
It takes a lot of time, and I don’t have a lot of time Of all of my reasons, this one is the easiest for me to call bullshit on. Yea, time is precious, and I’ve been spending a ton of time that I’d otherwise try and write on work. But really, I spent more of that time playing Zelda. I beat it twice. I’m not bragging. I’m just saying that’s how much damn time I spent playing that game. It might have been a better use of my time (who am I to judge?), but saying that “I don’t have a lot of time” is just not true. It’s a lie I tell myself to take myself off the hook. And that’s not a problem. I mean, sometimes we need that.
But I’m trying to be honest with myself here (and you, if you are a person who is reading this). And I could have easily spent 1/10 of the time I spent on Zelda writing. And that would have really not changed the experience of playing the game, but it would have meant that I exercised my brain in a different way than trying to solve every shrine puzzle or figure out how to max everything out and find the path of least resistance to winning.
So I think we can all agree, I had time. I just chose to use it doing something else. Which means that I can choose to make time again. Which leads us into…
I don’t have anything interesting/new to say, it’s just a lot of regurgitating of things I hear on podcasts and through the news Hey there self doubt, how’ve you been? Good? Awesome.
I’ll be real with you. I’m really good at regurgitating a lot of crap that I read/hear. It’s one of my top skills. But does that really provide any value?
Well, that depends right? Am I trying to tell people something new on this thing? Or am I just trying to get my own thoughts out on the page and see if it makes me feel better, and if people read it awesome, and if they don’t, awesome? Essentially: What am I doing here? I planned on having no one ever read this. So who cares if my information isn’t “new”? And if they do care, why do I?
And for that matter, just because I start with things I’ve heard/read/seen, that doesn’t meant that whatever I write will be derivative. It’s gonna be my perspective, which could definitely be the same groupthink you’ll read everywhere, but even so it’s MY version. There’s gonna be some of me in it. Even if you know all the details.
So again, this is a bullshit argument. Because 1) the point of doing this isn’t to be new/innovative, it’s to engage my brain and 2) assuming that I won’t be able to have any perspective that’s even slightly different from what exists already makes no sense, no one else is in my brain, and no one else is going to write exactly what I would write.
But…
I’m not very good at it. “It” being writing. Sigh. There’s no way to talk about this one without coming off like a prick. So let’s just embrace that I’m an asshole.
I like to think that I’m not good at writing so that my expectations are low. But I also know that I am a good writer. But I don’t want to work at it. It’s hard. I’m just riffing right now. But if I really tried hard? If I spent time on this, and wrote an outline and wrote the shit out of it, then proofread it, then make sure that my structure works, come up with some great hooks, and bang. I could knock your socks off. But my god, that sounds exhausting. And I just want to get things off my chest. And who needs that kind of pressure?
I wanted to call this blog “Tangents without supporting documentation” because I really don’t want to find supporting documentation. It’s exhausting. And what happens when I write something that takes 20 hours, I really write the shit out of it, and then realize “wow, my premise is wrong, and I’m making some terrible calls in this” and then I tear it up.
I can’t light a fire in a trash can like Toby would in West Wing. Half of Sonoma County was on fire just a few weeks ago, doing that would be seriously fucked up.
So I would just have to live with it. Or delete it. And that would be horrible.
But my stream of consciousness writing is also pretty good. It’s not perfect. But it’s pretty good. Even if I want to believe it’s just a pile of garbage.
Those are my three reasons. None are good.
So I’m going to try writing again. I don’t know what about. It doesn’t matter. I’m just here trying things out. And I think that’s what we should all be doing. There’s so much bad in the world. Why not try something that you want to do that scares you a little? Try something that will make you happy. That makes your life feel more meaningful or fulfilling. It can’t hurt right? But then again, I’m a privileged white guy. Consequences for me are not like they are for under-represented groups.
So how about this. I’m going to do this, because it’s meaningful and fulfilling to me. And if anyone reads this and thinks “I can’t do what would be meaningful/fulfilling for me”, please let me know. I want to help. Seriously. I don’t have any idea how I could help, but I want to. Because it’s important that we’re all in this together. Otherwise we’re in it alone. And that would really be awful.

Website: https://replicauhren.ru