Notes

The recital
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A painful trip down memory lane
“ You have to remember he’s only been playing for 3 months, “ she said.
“ He’s so talented. ”
These were the words my mother utilized to describe her excitement after hearing my 10 year-old nephew, her grandson, play the piano for the first time at his first recital. She forwarded me a copy of the video my sister had sent her earlier that evening.
It was nice to hear. I played as a child as well, for over 8 years. I love music..to this day even so to hear my nephew had taken up lessons brought me joy.
She says, “Make sure to send him a note and tell him how proud you are of him.”
“He makes me so proud. ”
I sat for a moment absorbing her enthusiasm. That’s how abundant it was. The energy was permeating my spirit through the phone. I’m very proud of my nephew. I’m biased of course, but he truly is an amazing kid. When she made these statements though, it stung a little.
PROUD As a kid I continually strived to hear this…FEEL this permeating exhilaration, from my mother, and always fell short ..always. Recitals, good grades, good behavior, degrees, turned into could have been, bigger, better, more, prove it..PROVE IT.
Years of yearning this validation bled into the same self-seeking destructive behaviors within my adult relationships. Friends, boyfriends, husbands…projecting my lack of worth onto some who possibly DID feel I was enough and attracting others who preyed on my debilitating sense of inadequacy. The latter happened more often than the former. As toxic as that sounds, that’s what I was used to.
PERFECTION Never feeling good enough. Striving for perfection. Falling short, as we eventually do because we are NOT perfect, and then, as the saying goes, throwing away the baby with the bathwater…. my modus operandi.
My nieces and nephews, and really any kids I encounter , I tell them they’re amazing, because regardless of who they are,… they REALLY are. But they are so impressionable, they will live the lie you lead them to believe. And if you tell anyone they’re not good enough… You’re a liar.
PRESENT Oprah has a quote, “ You become what you believe”
So, imagine molding a child into the adult they will become based on the words you say…… or don’t say.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…..
Another lie. Be kind friends

Here's my website: https://uhren.one