Notes

“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”
Oscar Wilde

this isn't your old toxic masculinity. it has taken an insidious new form.

passive: how do i become loved?
active: how do i love?

relationships ending: how to improve lovability by working out, "glow up" (nails done, hair dyed, haircut, buying clothes, advancing career), "post-breakup glow-up".
- says "this is just self-love, not for others", changing your physical appearance will make you feel confident of course, BUT it's because you feel more desirable to OTHERS.

Most think it's natural to love, "we do not need to learn about love".
We need to shift our perspective and understand love is an activity (by Fromm & Bell Hooks)
Fromm: love is an art. requires constant practice, dedication, and faith. You can't be good at love if it is convenient and enjoyable for you. You can't be good at love if you only choose to love when it's convenient and enjoyable for you.

Fromm: An art requires faith. when you practice an art and you run into a difficult skill, rather than give up because it's hard. You need faith in eventually succeeding and dedicate effort that art until you succeed.

People begin to doubt their relationship because they've seen a single post on tiktok. EX: saying something about "love-bombing" posts on your fyp about cheating, they say "It's a sign! It's on my for you page! he doesn't love me anymore!"

Thinking about love passively more than active, it is helpful in separating love from abuse and dishonesty.

Bell Hook: To begin by always thinking love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner, automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We are often taught we have no control over our feelings, yet most of us accept that our actions have consequences. To think of actions shaping feelings as one way we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted assumptions, such as the one simply falls in love without exercising will or choice, that there are such things as "crimes of passion"
-i.e, "he killed her because he loved her so much".
If we were constantly remembering that love is as love does, we would not use the word in a manner that devales and degrades its meaning.

Love is about giving, rather than receiving.

Fromm: giving doesn't have to require us sacrificing

Giving is actually the best way to get rid of our existential loneliness. When giving, you experience your own strength, energy, and aliveness.

!!!- When you give love, you give all the things that make up you.

Erich Fromm: "...he enhances the other's sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness."

Man being the giver and the woman being the receiver. Social media shows how perfect the bf is, gf shows off bf which makes the viewers (mostly women) "higher their standards".

"if he wanted to, he would"- then communicate??

In this world, love = being loved = getting stuff

Basing love on what you receive makes it a passive product.

love is about giving you as a person. it's easy to receive things, such as gifts, but it's not easy when you're only receiving and not giving as equally.

"How can i focus on giving when i'm surrounded by people on social media showing off what they receive?"

Jean Baudrillard: we interact more with hyper reality than reality itself.
(Hyperreal: a copy of something real, but twisting it a bit to make it seem more "real", when it really isn't)

!!!- People are influenced by shows or movies. For example, Disney princess movies "happy ever afters" usually ending with a kiss which is HYPERREALISTIC. What happens after that happy kiss? If they stay together forever, how do they do so? love is not something someone should automatically know how to do.

Girls say "if he wanted to, he would" w/ no communication w/ their boyfriend. If this goes the same way (guys saying, if she wanted to she would) no one would do anything.

It also really depends on the person's past experiences. For ex., the guy in the relationship might not have received or has given gifts to his friends, so he may think he doesn't need to give gifts to his gf. Maybe the bf is very forgetful, the gf gets mad after reminding him something ONCE, which is unhealthy.

"Red flags" is a term that got overused, just because someone doesn't know how to cook or they have a perm isn't a red flag, it's your preference.