Notes

I dont know but up until recently I have this burning urge to just punch a wall or mirror until I see blood. I keep imagining myself doing it over and over and I feel so helplessly angry. I feel trapped. I feel like my whole 19 years has been listening, following, enduring. Im in college pursuing something I can't even see myself doing but I have to because it is the only thing I can do that enables me to live the life I've always dreamed and still it doesn't guarantee...
Everything feels so scripted. Every interaction, every moment, every day. I feel as if I am living a fake reality. Yinno I thought that when I turned 18 I would be more free and I did for a time. Then it started feeling like I was one of those birds in a cage with the ability to get out but I just can't seem to escape. It's as if I'm looking at myself in the mirror but I'm on the other side watching my life unfold still bearing and dealing. I like to think about if I were actually alone. Would I choose it over family, friends? Would I choose life? Maybe i don't know honestly. What does it mean to truly be free?
Sometimes I think about just ending it I'm tired and there's no win. I feel like I can't do nothing right unless I'm doing what others want me to do. I'm always hiding my emotions. I broke maybe twice and the only 2 people who saw me in that place was my mom and sirr. These events being the lost of my dad and not being in the U.S. for my birthday because when I'm home home nothing happens as usual. I don't feel excited about my birthday I dont feel excited about holidays unless it means I'm on break but overall. I feel like I am not me. I want to buy stuff but i am a 19 year old that has to ask every time I want something. I barely have any money because my mom hardly sends any and it takes months before she sends anything again. I want to buy roller skates. I recently lost my vape and thought buying skates instead of a new vape would offer more than lung cancer later on. Besides it'll be fun and will get me outside. I found one for $20 which is a massive steal. because the typical price is $50. But as normal some shit was going on and it wasn't the right time to ask about buying them. Then you got the "help chip in" and it irritates me so much hearing that because a) why you telling me what to do with my pocket change b) That's what the money mom sends is for and c) why cant I just buy what I want with my money without having to go through fucking Amazon security "what you buying" "why" "what for?" "But this.. But that" "We leaving in 3 months" "You're not going to have that much time to use it" WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I SPEND MY MONEY LIKE THE GROWN ASS ADULT THAT I AM? and I get it... but what they don't get is unless given the ability to make a mistake you can't determine what is actually right. If you're hand holding me with every fucking decision then what happens when you are not there to hand hold me? How big of a fuck up will I make when that time comes and how much of it is going to be my fault? Answer is all of it. There is no win.
So no surprise that day of I wanted to get the skates Chrystal's on the phone with Angela from pick up to drop off then her dad is in the hospital with his foot potentially getting amputated. Like i said shit is not a good time. Now my stress is at an all time peak because I am about 80% sure I failed a test, got no way to destress, got about 2 friends and 1 has been missing because of a job and the thing that was supposed to help has been sold so ow i have to spend $50 instead of $20. Now i'm questioning whether or not it's worth it because I only have about $80 to my name and I have things that are essential to my daily like that will need to be replaced here soon and the total will probably be about $30 easily. and with that being the case if I bought the skates I would have absolutely nothing incase of emergency. Do i just go ahead and buy another disposable vape? It'll be cheaper... and I would have to go through anyone to buy it.
To myself remember what it was like when you were younger? You had some real good days and others were just... Can you even remember anything good without forcing yourself to not simultaneously think of every heart shattering moment in your life and everything that led to it? You're crying now just writing this because you know I'm right. What a joke of a life you have. Is it ever about you cause from where I'm standing it looks like everything was for someone else. Your grades? You did good just because if you didn't your parent would scream at how big of a disappoint you were. But even when you exceeded well past everyone in your family it still wasn't enough. Or that time they refused to believe you was just drawing and refused to talk to you. Remember when you got slapped into a wall on more than one occasion? That was funny wasn't it? Or that time you got touched... Hey me, you/I can go on and on running memories that would break us down to absolute dust. You want to punch something and that's ok. We want to scream and that's ok. I want to cry and that's ok. But hiding every emotion and pushing them down is not. At this rate your a time bomb waiting to explode. Don't wait for it to be too late when you still have time to diffuse it. I love you. I love me.