Notes

Ceaser On a tv screen by the last dinner party
I miss the way he made me feel. I miss the way he would hold me. So gently as if he wanted to keep me forever. He did want to at some point but I threw it away for something I didn't care about because j was scared and I always just think he'll be waiting for when I want to come back. He doesn't want me to come back anymore. You're king though,you're king though, you're king though. Ukt. These letters and their private meaning run through my head often. I wonder if you still think of them like I do. All of our inside jokes and laughs and even our promises. When we both used to hold them so tight we began only taking turns. Now its my turn to hold them alone. It sucks how we turn away from each other. I wonder if you still wonder about what could've been. But you shouldnt. And you probably dont. You said it clearly that day. "I don't think we're soulmates" I know it's dumb. We were 15. But you liked me for half your life. How am I supposed to believe you've just moved on. I'm sorry.

Just know. Ukt.

I'm sorry I love you. You left me today to be with her. It was the right choice. You've chosen her and you've left me and now I need to leave it too. But now I love you. I can't wait. I say I can but I cant. I spend All our hangouts waiting for your touch. Waiting for when we give up and begin to feel. I know you feel guilty. I feel it too. We need to stop, I need to stop. But I can't. And I'm sorry.
I plan things in my head. I make all these ideas that just sit and turn waiting to be expressed. Waiting for when everything is okay again. They're usually about you. I keep little things to prove to nobody that I care. Maybe one day I can show you and we'll laugh and you'll smile, that beautiful smile, and we'll remember when everything was so weird. I drew that animal we always look at on the ceiling. I immediately imagined writing a letter with it and giving it to you one day. I hope it will happen.
Ukt <3

We watched the notebook today. I see our situation everywhere. Three squeezes ukt.
I can hear the rain tonight. Reminds me of the day we spent in the rain together a few years ago. Its one of my favorite memories, I'd give anything to do that again, especially with you.

When other guys want me or make moves it makes me happy. It makes me feel seen and desired. But then I feel heartless. I feel like an attention whore the way I immediately jump on it then shy away. I told you about it. You don't care like you used to which makes me feel worse because I know I don't want them I want you. You just don't want me to want you anymore.
I try everything to try to talk to you. To get you to respond. I feel selfish and stupid the way I crave you but I do it anyway. Everything I send I just want you to think about me, to notice me again. I wish I could still fill your thoughts like I used to. I'm sorry I'm so hung up on you. Ukt.