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sorry for being so dry recently, just struggling to process everything from last night
also sorry for not bringing this up to you earlier, I know I should've talked it out maturely, but I also know you're scared of letting me down, and I didn't want you being hurt because I'm hurt
I guess (copium) there wasn't much time to discuss anything since I was still dealing with the initial shock of what it meant and didn't want to throw you off during school or work
I wanted to take the day off for the boys so I could get my mind off of it, think and act more rationally
I want you to know this isn't your fault, I've thought through convincing you that we're practically already in a relationship and nothing would really change aside from the title, but realistically I know you're not ready for it, and don't want to force you into doing anything since I know you’re going through a lot
I'm feeling really contradicted, since I keep hearing that you're not ready for a relationship, can't do long distance, etc. but on the other hand, you keep saying you love me, want and give affection, and talk about doing all the things couples would
I suppose this is to say that I don't think being friends will ever be enough for me, I want something special, something special with you in specific
I hate the thought of you being in another man's arms, I know I'll never be the first man you laid eyes on, the first man you called handsome, or the first man you loved, and as a me thing, I hate that, but I still want to be your last for everything, first for anything you're still to do, and vice versa
maybe all of this is being blown out of proportion, and I just mixed up our definitions of love, I know you go around kissing the girlies, and said you loved me very early on, and maybe you go around showing that form of affection to everyone, and I just got caught on that and thought there was something deeper going on when it was standard for you
I’ve been ignoring all of the shutdowns for a while and have just been enjoying the bliss in my delusion thinking that this would work
but I hope not, since I do love you, and I want to see where this could go
I’m not trying to pressure or push you into doing anything, I just wanted to get some of my thoughts across, and I know I’d forget it all in the moment
hopefully this doesn't change anything, and we can call tomorrow?
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