Notes

okay, hello. straight up: are we actually good? i asked you yesterday (?) and you said yeah so i dont want to seem annoying by asking this, except this time i'll give my entire year-worths explanation instead of "just asking" and then hopefully we can either fix things or you can just reply with something like "bro nothing was up idk why you said all this for no reason" which would also be sort of valid. it just feels like we don't talk outside of school apart from just streak streak streak (does that count as talking?), so im internally banking on the idea that something is wrong because ive done something, cus i still want to be close friends and it feels like we've been either drifting or have just hit a brick wall in our miniature friendship car (youre the driver), and im still there in denial that we've hit this wall whilst you're already revving up, trying to get through the wall and on a different path without me - fucking sick analogy btw.

okay so where does this car journey start? i feel like our friendship hasnt been the same since the start of Hamid (glad that shits gone btw), considering i backed off because realistically at the start of your relationship, we couldn't do any of the things we used to do as friends before (because thats just rude to the relationship). unfortunately, instead of moving to the backsteat of the car to let Hamid sit in the front with you (so that i could still talk to you and be friends, whilst you and Hamid are close in the relationship), i just got out of the car altogether, abandoning our friendship car and just allowing it to be driven by you and Hamid on a different path to ours. after how many months, the car broke down, and you kicked Hamid out (thank fuck). news of this spread to me (you told me, but for the sake of the analogy we'll just say i heard it in the winds or some shit) and so i ran to the car and got back in. happy ending. but the thing is, i dont think it ever was, because by the time i get into the friendshpip car again, we've got basit in the car as well. don't get me wrong, you and basits friendship is SO GOOD and so cute and funny and amazing and i love that youre besties, but i think AT THAT moment after you and Hamid's car broke down, and i wanted to get back into the car after leaving you for ages and was forced to get into the backseat because basit was your new number one, i was sad as fuck. and i think since then ive been on and off with you for stupid reasons, because its felt like you only turn around to talk to me in the backseat of the car in the moments where basit goes to get petrol, or goes to take a piss. you get what i mean? the analogy might be a bit confusing so i'll go back to normal speak. it felt like you only talked to me in the moments where you COULDN'T talk to basit - either you couldn't sit next to him or he wasn't responding to your messages ("basit's slacking") so you resorted to me because i was sitting in the backseat after completely ditching you when you got Hamid and because i missed my best friend yk, only to find that you only talked to me when your true best friend wasn't in the passenger seat of your friendship car.

ofc that isn't how it actually was, and i've gotten over certain parts of that. i know we're not best friends anymore like we used to be back in Year 10, not only because we've both changed but also because Basit is your new boy best friend, but it no longer feels bad for me because i know you're besties and its a cute friendship and its amazing. i also know that you don't only talk to me when you can't talk to Basit, because we've been bros for ages and its not that im only in the backseat because im your backup, but because we've been bros for ages. but stuff like this has recently made me constantly jump out of the car and back in and out and in (airing you, talking to you, airing you, talking to you), and i don't want that to fuck up whatever bond we have left because i've recently gotten over all that and stopped dwelling on the pessimism and the ideas of me being useless to you because i don't think i am completely useless to you - i think our bond still exists even if there are bigger bonds now that exist over buried one - like yours and basits and me and ellie-mays.

i guess thats just an explanation to me not always being completely happy in the car, its felt like our conversations have just always been a byproduct of basits: when im explaining something you're not focused, but when basits explaining something to you i see you completely focused and giving him your full attention - same way that in early Year 10, sometimes you wouldn't be focused on our conversation because you'd see Hamid waving at you or mouthing something at you across the room - before you were together, assuming you were probably still into him then tho. when you're not happy like in that one Physics lesson with the car speed practical, i ask you if youre fine and you give me a nod and then proceed to not look at me despite me looking right at you trying to get a smile, but then basit turns around and does the same and you smile immediately, making me ignore you and not be in it for the following Computer Science lesson, feeling like if the choice had to be made between me and basit, basit would be chosen everytime.

i assume youre seeing the common thread here though. ive been so deep in my own problems, that when a mini visible choice is made between me and basit, like the smile (although thats not the only occasion), i feel completely useless in our friendship, and get out of the car until i realise "fuck, i cant just abandon all the memories that me and isla have", and get back in and hope you accept. happening too many times however, you're probably fed up of it now. the most common thread of all of them that i've personally realised though is jealousy. i think ive been jealous of you and hamid being so close, jealous of you and basit being so close and jealous of how we're both drifting away from each other - which ive gotten over now because i realise that you and basits friendship is so good, and i shouldnt be jealous of that because in reality we're all unique, and what makes you attracted to basits friendship qualities is completely different to what makes you attracted to my friendship qualities (if anything), so comparing me to basit is completely stupid and wrong because yes basit is your new boy best friend, but why i am annoyed at that when 1) your friendship is so good and im rooting for it (or if you choose to get into a relationship) and 2) i have the pleasure of even KNOWING isla taylor, which in itself is something to be positive about rather than negative.

overall, within the last year, most of the time ive been like "fuck" when i hear your name in conversation, because of how we aren't actually good friends anymore and ive always felt like there's someone better than me that would better be your friend in any situation. until now (or recently anyway), because ive gotten over all that shit and am no longer petty knowing that we're friends - but of course, we aren't really friends. going back to the beginning of this long ass message, its felt like we havent been close at all (not in terms of number one bestie territory) because its felt like all our conversations have been just streak streak streak, and we don't continue each others conversations or anything, we're just not close, i hope all of this that ive explained is a reactant (chemistry revision) of the fact we're not that close recently (product - also chemistry revision) instead of the reason we're not close being "we're just changing" or "the car is just too fast for me, and i can't catch up and get back in" because i really want to still be normal friends who can have deep convos and be there for each other when we need, for however long we can keep it up.

so, now is the moment where it's either "bro nothing was up idk why you said all this for no reason", or you say "yeah ...." and we get back to being somewhat close friends, who can have conversations and be there for each other if either one needs to ask any questions/needs emotional support. please don't think bad of me after this, considering the entire "jealousy" part, because ive gotten over that and am way more of a understanding person rather than how i used to be around that subject.

the end! (you don't have to write a paragraph back, this is too long to match)