Notes

dad: do you know why i'm out of your house, and why we have a restraining order.
me: i know why you are out of the house, but not 100% about the restraining order.
dad: why do you think i am out of the house?
me: Well, dad..
dad: yes?
me: i know some stuff and have stuff that worries me about you daddy...
dad: what are you talking about?
me: dad, the reason you and mom didn't work out is because you guys couldn't work together, or just have too many disagreements. no that is how some divorces and couples are, but this one is different. there has been a time i was sitting on the couch right next to mom while you called her and not always yelled but have used a scary or a mean tone just sitting there and blaming her for just stuff... after the phone calls were done one of you would have hung up the phone, either angry about whatever happened and the other... well, i remember mom telling us kids, "hey im going to sit in the car for a little bit guys, it wont long" almost in tears and when she would get to the car... full tears. also, i have to tell you something that i used to fear all the time... when you and mom were in an argument and you used to close the doors to the kitchen, me and alyssa both were afraid that you were going to beat mom.. you were so angry, angry enough to beat the woman that you said you loved, said you would love forever... and daddy, i still remember the time you got mad at alyssa and i when we accidently laughed out of fear because we were scared because you had just yelled at us, you drove back into my driveway and mad as ever, and threatened to beat us until we couldnt get back up... and sometimes when i was with you, i was terrified to mess up or say something that was like "yea" instead of yes because you yelled at me for saying that once too. daddy, i know mom still loves you, but maybe she put on the restraining order because she wanted to protect her kids, but i really don't 100% understand it yet. daddy, you dont any idea, how hard it was to right this, but honestly, it would have been harder to tell you in person because i was scared of getting yelled at. i really do feel bad about your passed daddy, i know it was hard because your dad was so mean and your mom left you with him. i wish i could go back in time and save you and give you a easier life. dadddy, i really really want you to know that i love you so much and i know that you love me, but i just want a better relationship with you. i want to look at you and think of the daddy daughter dances, the Grinch movie, WILSON, and everyrtime you held me and made me feel better. but lately, i have been thinking about wheather or not you hurt my mommy, and when you yelled at her and made her cry like you sometimes did with us. and the biggest thing i cant understand is why you would date someone when you already have the best mom/wife/woman there is out there. i will never ask for a different mom because she is so great. i love her to the moon and back. Janice is great, really she is, and im really happy for you, that you found someone who fits you... but its hard when shes my actual mom and your my actual dad. all ive ever wanted was for my family to be perfect. and when i was little, i honestly thought it was. but now my daddy's gone, all of us kids have anxiety and some deppresion... its not perfect, but its a family. daddy, i cant wait til see you, but in a way, im nervous because you are going to see this, and im scared you will yell at me. but what i am scared of most... is that you wont be proud of me because of this letter... dadddy, all ive ever wanted was to impress my daddy, and for him to love me over anything. i want to be strong and brave just like you always want me to be.. but sometimes its hard, we all know that. so as i am rapping this up, i just want to say... i love you and i hope you understood this. you are my number one guy over any guy i will ever date, or get married to. your always first. i love you!
-love,
your baby girl <3