Notes

In some rainy days, somehow you managed to get back into my jumping thoughts.. Its not just some rainy nights. Its the night of graduation. Not ours, but our seniors. And now we're going to graduate. Time flies isn't it.
Well, I'm sure you hate boring long letter. But going straight into the topic isn't me. Lets do some flashbacks first, its a long one. Please read carefully or skip if you want to.
In middle year of 2013, its time to enter senior highschool! I, just some ordinary low-leveled student from junior highschool number 1, managed to enter a school. Senior Highschool Number 1. Back then, it was nothing to be proud of even when my dad told me there were a lot of students cried because they didn't pass
Then, I got to do those what I called sadistic physical and mental torturation or Discipline Training and Orientation Period. I got into the 7th group. And the first day was a mess. Yes, I've humiliated myself right that day.
That day, I just muttered "Shit. Image killing." And didn't pay attention to my surroundings
The next day, you showed up. Of course me as the tallest person there was able to pay attention closely. You showed up, right next to my group. As the 6th. And as their leader. And from what I saw, you're like an... Automaton? Soulless? I was like "This dude, Is he even a human being? Because he is so order-taker and clumsy. At least he's a pretty good leader tho"
That time, group 6,7, and 8 got the same instructure. Thank god our's was the kindest and calmest. Everything went as usual, I didn't really pay attention to you. I just know that you love joking around, even though its just easy-to-forget jokes lol
Time passes by, and at the training I once again embarassing myself doing that shit that you all still remember. The last day of training. It was all okay. Until, the bad news came. Someone blackmailed the school. We all get fish treatment. Dipped and rolled over. And still, no one isn't admitted doing it. I start to think that "Gosh, did my parents did that shit? Whoever did that really throw their chances on this school"
Then, the instructure called out Tetra. I just boo like the others. But then they call you. You above all person. I just shocked and my mind start speculating and overanalyzing. Judging your performances, it's well done. Above average if may. Then my mind is back to the class
In the class, I remember reading the rundown. "Choosing the best male & female student" in the time we were doing that stuff. My mind got the answer. I talk it out to every person close to me like "Hey, isn't this the time of choosing the shit?" and nobody notice me. I was like "Well if you all didn't think about it, then how dumbass is people in this school. Just wait and see my speculation"
And I was absolutely right.
Best male and female student at the discipline training
You got the best male, like it is really getting your popularity upgraded by a hundred level.. Of course since that moment, my curiosity on you grew.
The next following weeks, we got announced about our class. And that time I still faking love to someone so I pretend to be happy. But I hear your name. I was like "Great. I am at the best class. With the best student there. Geniuses is there too. Hello bottom rank" When I first entered the class, I sat with my old friend. And analyzing those unfamiliar people by their attitude
I judge them in first impression silently like:
"That dude sucks. Such antisocial. Narrow Inner Circle and how his attitude change when he met his bestie. Talk really quiet. Always try to cut between convos. Idiot?"
"Haha got a drama queen in my class. Smarty pants, love it. Attention seeker, the perfect match. Loud, loner, burden bearer. This is me in female persona. Hello bestie"
"That girl look smart. Her drawing is just beyond good and her music taste is quite unique. But she's antisocial. Talk lil. And move lil. Overall really one-of-a-kind"
"He's really skinny. Talkative. Had a long life best friend beside him. How he get along with my chairmate is showing some indication of future bestie"
"Untalkative. A bit ugly. First unfamiliar person to talkin to me. Good handwriting. Narrow eyed. When his chairmate talk with mine, he sometime tried convo with me. Nice"
And then you...
"Definitely a threat. New class president. Calm. Robot. Soulless I guess. Italic handwriting. The one to be blamed in class. Somehow just like his chairmate, but more mature"
Yeah I silently judge them all in the first week. Of course you too. Some time passes, I never thought I'd make really good friends with them and you who I judged. And the panpel test pamphlet. I was in no interest. Like I saw all people I know taking the test which sounds pretty 'mainstream' to me.
Of crs you passed in. Like I care tho. Time passes again. Then the chair got rolled until we got to sat together. I remember those weeks is the student council test. After all who couldn't forget 23rd of May? The day I got my first solo and passed the test. I was in no interest. But I thought that I could possibly make some new friend? Bcs I'm a bit bored and lonely that time
Of crs the other reasons are
1. I escorted my bestie to apply together, of crs we both got accepted
2. When we were sitting next to each other, you sorta doubted that I'll pass. Like I can prove you that that shit is still within my range.
Yes I enjoyed our time as chairmates. Everytime we talk, I start to think that "Finally, there is a guy who are almost even in my level of intelligence. I can talk about pros and cons with no hesitation with this person. Its really fun "
Then time passes by as we continued our journey as those Student Council. Clasmeeting went through, as I got myself nosebleeed and embarassed myself like I never did before. Until Its Student Council Training weeks. Geez those hellfull experience is nah. Like word to describe those, is yet to be discovered.
Like those who we call "Sod" starts to go and back. Thats where I saw your fragility. Your not a robot. You're just an unhired warrior. I start seeing you as both positive and negative. Like my own head overheated thinking such controversy about every action you took.
"Why'd he do that? I know it is showing his own vulnerability, but its really dragging his pride down. Maybe It is better to let go of pride and start showing emotions. But, didn't he care about the consecuences? Did I overanalyzing and overthinking again? Did everyone think the same way as I do? Heh I need to chill out". Funny how I think that the only reason I kept holding on to this organization is My bestie compassion and to learn more about you. It was okay I suppose. Until I had the urge to talk to you because gosh since we sat together as chairmates, I missed our convo.
I just hate to see people changed. Like my time spent to think is now changed to action. I've decided to utter some thing. Of crs It was close to perfection. 28 August 2014. The day that changes everything. I maybe adore you as a big brother but I'd never go as far as telling I love you. It was all because
I just need
A topic
To talk about
With you
Because I'm
Unpredictable
And you'll never know
(Now you do)
Surprised? I guess you aren't. After that day, everything seems so melancholic. I just realise that I made a stupid act to do when I got shower. You maybe some of those dude who once/twice came across my mind as my sexual object. Now I realise how stupid I am, back then. I even tell you about "Me hvin oral with random dudes" that was half lied. I've done oral. But not to stranger, Its one of my father subordinates. Because I was curious and he told me to do so, so I did. What can you expect, I'm just 4th grader
Back to you, I heard you said those "Making barrier thing"
I just know that I'm stupid--
I just make things worser, and yes this is the only memo with emojis so feel special would you? Lol I was like "Geez, he'll hate me. And I'll be lonely. How sucks life is."Everything is just so sad. Until. Your birthday. I just like. "Huhm its his birthday and you know what? Its okay. Not special" and you spoil a cake
Spoil a cake
On my face
I was just so shocked
I felt my heart skip a beat
I was so happy that I will always cherish that moment. I can feel that you say "Its okay. We're still friends. Thank you for being honest" Since that day, I adore you more. Adore not as just a brother. But someone to look up for. Everything seems normal. Even though I start limiting my spaces with you, I can still feel we get to convo again. You're back. Until. I start skipped student council. It was my first feud with my bestie so I feel uneasy. I also hate those upperclassmen. I now know how truly their facet is.
I made a thousand excuses. I start get jealous of our former member. Jealous of what? FreedomUntil 4th week, I start to feel between
"Wow I really good making excuses. I even skipped school and they didn't realise it. How inferior"

Or
"Gosh. Did they ever think me as someone important? Of crs they can still carry on without me. But do I actually have a meaning on that organization? Even If I wasn't there, what will change? I'm just addition. Everything is just the same. Or even worser if I were there. Maybe I'm just a burden. I can't do this and that. I'm just the black sheep. Thats my role anyway"
I tend to think the 2nd one. Huh. Then on tuesday/wednesday. You confronted me. Asking
"Dude where'll you go? We got meeting to do"
"Somewhere. Don't try to search me. Please, I'm really busy"
It was really hard to hold tear as I go home. It was just like "Once a fugitive, always fugitive. Never look back. Except to learn from past or someone made you realise, you made a mistake" I'm making drama. Testing you all. Testing my existence. I make drama to do all that Why? Because I want to know. Whether there is at least one person who can see through my bullshit act.
I just need someone to slap me. Wake me up and wake my trueself. Stating that "You are wrong. No one is alone. You're not the only one. Just so you know, whatever decision you made you're still part of the team" But look what I got?
"Don't go. You'll make all of us getting tortures"
"I have another thing to do, not just taking care of your stuff!"
I was heartbreaken. My best friend isn't there for me. We had feud and that cracks my first reason to hold on. Then. Thursday. You confront me again. I was trying to escape. Acting. You are the last person I wished to give me the light. But. You've dissapointed me. Maybe I took too high expectations on you?
You said
Loudly
Angrily
"Don't go! You're still part of us right?! We even did bravely talk to senior to hold you on! You need to straighten things up!"
Thats it.
Reos 6 has ruined their chance to get me back. I died a little. You'll never get the slightest Idea about how hurt I was. I ran. Hiding my heart. Never to be found. Its just,
Don't ask me question I can't answer. It hurts like hell
Don't tell me what you all have did. Theres nothing to be proud of it. Maybe you made a move for my sake, but you didn't make a move because of me.
Don't tell me what to do. Ask me. Explain why I should do that. Don't ever force me. Its wrong in every way. I just escaped. Using every lil piece of concicousness I had. I skip school the other day. Geez fyi, I somehow feel tired when explaining this parts.
And ever since, it was all back to middle school. That feeling. Being not able to have any person I can lean on. And yes we do start talking again. With your level of maturity, and my brave curiousity. Yes brave curiousity--
I simply asked. "Do you still hate me?"
Of crs you react with
"It was like this. There are 99 (if i remembered correctly) doors in my heart. And one of them still mad at you. So it was a 1/99 possibility"
"And, blablabla"
Graghh I forgot the bout it
Oh I remember! It was like...
(This is one hell of a kind which I forgot something, so If i remember it I'll continue the phrase if not then don’t blame me!)
I just had my mind farfetched. You were so wise and mature. Even though you certainly pressured, you always struggle to find way out.
You are the person I look up for. And ever since, I start flirt again with you just to see your wise behavior and philosophical choice of words
Fun huh? Lol
In the 12th grade, everything seems okay I guess. I came across you again! We became chairmates. Even though it was on the back of the pack and really isolated, it was still yey. You slaved me. And I guess it was okay, I still can tolerate that. Why? I've felt worse. Rather than had no purpose why wouldn't I then?
In this point, I came to understand your 'other' side. This is, yea, self proclaimed but bitch you were a tough one. My ears have listened to people complaining about you more than I heard people actually confessed love in movies. And what hurt, is that came from people I thought you were pretty close to begin with. Suddenly I felt your life was fucked up.
Me? Nah like I've always said a million times, I guess it wasn't that bad. People say you're changing into a freaking monster. Pay attention to the word 'people' coz I ain't judge you bitch. Imho, I think you do turned into a jerk. But anyway, it's still tolerable. You were bossy, spice-mouthed to begin with. Reckless. Self-conscious. While I could easily took it, people don't.
In the worst way, they turned against you in your back. By turned against you, they practically talked to me which I don't understand why.
Anyway, I managed to dig up some informations about you. Actually, your life was a hot mess. How you rebels. How you felt constant pressure. How you do this that and blah. I heard all about it. Still I can't say that I know you well. There were theories that you can dished it but you can't took it. Well that one certainly true.
I remembered this convo when you asked (forced is way more accurate) me to bought a wifi package for a month. That was the last day we sat together. Actually, I was kinda bored so I tried to bait you out. I said no for that order. Then you asked and I clearly tell you to shut up and used words you usually used to me. Well that one turned into something I called "not okay". Not only you did shut up, you were upset?
I bought the wifi package in the end and gave you the password and the username which I wrote down on a piece of paper. But you turned it. The next thing I remember, is you didn't tease me like you usually do. That kinda felt weird.
Seriously, are you upset over this goddamn thing?
When I took a ride with you, it kinda felt like you are cursing me inside. I usually don't care, but some people who don't usually do it turned out to be a real pain in the ass when they did. It's almost a whole month you did that. Thank god some event which I've forgotten maybe resets your upsetness.
And It was really normal to begin with. But seriously do you pay attention to what I've wrote so far? I made this letter because I thought you'd need a slap in the face. Think about it. Okay then to the point
Thank you, for what you had done. It extends my view towards the world yea. Thank u folks I learned so much from u, so why wouldn't I give you a feedback? Well as far as I know, you avoid me at all cost. But can we be friends again? I’m all depends on your decision so ya. SO SORRY FOR THE LOOOOONG LETTER
Graduation? I hate goodbyes. So let's meet again lol.

Sincerely, youknowwho