Notes

"the need to be the best before the need to rest" - current joys

this lyric from, arguably the best song ever, symphonia ix, hits differently when you're going through the worst burnout of your life. not currently in the mood to write a bunch of sad shit, but i felt the need to rant. sure, i'm definitely not the smartest person ever, but i've always tried. life happens. the 2021-2022 school year took a toll on my mental health and i think that was evident to everyone around me. just as i was starting to feel better about myself again, my mother gets diagnosed with terminal cancer. i don't like talking about her. she's my world, and of course, i love her dearly, but talking about her deteriorating health drains me to no end. april 8th 2022 changed my life forever. i hate feeling like a burden in school. it doesn't matter how many people tell me i'm not, i'll always feel that way. this is random, but i'm trying to break my weird habits. i've written a little bit on this note pad now, and i just had the random urge to delete everything and restart because i had new thoughts and new things i wanted to write about. i want to write about whatever comes to my mind. i've noticed that i develop really unhealthy relationships with people and it's all my fault. i have no idea where it stems from or what causes it, but i always seem to get emotionally attached to random people. i've gotten severely emotionally attached to two people my entire life, one person who i was OBSESSED with for about two years, and one person who just recently came into my life. i love the first person with my entire heart and they made me happy. but being so heavily dependent on them ruined me. i'm not an extremely clingy person but i always felt the need to be around them. i always wanted them to acknowledge me. i always wanted them to think about me. when i would see them interact with others, in a way that seemed like they were enjoying it better, i wouldn't get 'jealous', but i would be upset. i felt that it was better for both them and myself to at least attempt to break away from my attachment. (btw, they had no idea i was attached to them. mainly because they mean a lot more to me than i mean to them. i say that in the least self-deprecating way possible. i seriously don't mean that in a 'i hate myself way', they genuinely just didn't care for me the way i did for them because i viewed our relationship differently. it's weird. when i finally detached myself (and successfully!), i felt so relieved. i still have a deep care for them, but i'm not obssessed in the way i once was. but then i got attached to a whole new person all over again, and this time it feels much worse. i feel crazy. they make me feel crazy. i take things so personally, and i think that stems from insecurity, because where the hell else would it come from? like, i'm so confused. okay. switching subjects now because if i keep talking about them i might actually, genuinely, literally, lose my mind. anyway. am i an attention seeker or do i just need love from somebody. wait. going back to the previous subject. maybe i'm not insane. maybe i've never felt loved and cared for in the way that they treated me, so when they came along, i felt things i've never felt before. this feels romantic. my attachment is not romantic. i'm not in love with them. certainly not a crush. idk. i think i'm insane. mr. vallone pisses me off to no end, but one thing i'm extremely grateful for is his teachings about different coping mechanisms and disorders. (no he is not the one i'm attached to. that's weird.) he's the main reason, actually the only reason, why i'm fully aware about my avoidant attachment style. whenever i start to get really close with somebody, i've noticed i tend to distance myself away from them. why? i like them so much, and i like the way that they treat me, but i still wanna not be around them? i'm confusing. may 2024 is confusing. everything is confusing. this biology slideshow is confusing. i should probably go do work now. i have no motivation. i never have any motivation.