Notes

everytime i think about her, about my past life...
Everything just seems so alien to me
Food in my mouth, wind in my hair
The fact that I am still alive
In the world i once never imagine
A world without her in it.
I wonder a lot about the pain that plagues my mind if she ever gone away
about how much of a loss, of a suffering that "going away" would cause me
I imagine it would be like a living hell, like thousand needles of truth will constantly pierecing my heart days in and days out
That every bottle of wine, every puff of nicotine to numb the pain would just burn constantly in the bottom of my empty stomach
That my eye would wither away with every drop of memories that I shed
And truth is, all that i could ever imagine would just a fraction of the real pain that i gone through
it was silent, but it was unfathomable.
yet
when it gone
the fact that im still alive is so weird
i never expect that i would survive through that
this painful melancholy
this bittersweet interlude
a new world without you, where i have to start finding my own new meaning.
all over again

it still confuse me
whenever i thought about that me
i cant even recognize that time, or that you, or that me
it feels like watching a collapsed civilazation from somewhere far, far beyond in the galaxy
not knowing how they live
not knowing their culture
not once, knowing how they feels
not once, knowing even their names, let alone their feelings, their pains, their meaning
fragmented ruins, of what once was. A barren waste land in time. Of what was once heaven on earth to me.
even though they were once us.

that's probably why recently, im always in the midst of confusion, of lost.
trying to make sense of what life has given, and taken away from me.
well
i'll see this one through then.