Notes

journal #2 for today's day December 25, 2023
I did nothing but take a nap and just lay in my bed. It's very hard for me to collect fucking money cause I'm already older and first of all I'm not that respectful man. Back to my love story Nag simba with my family didn't expect u to there cause u always take mass after noon so yeah. yes I ignore but deep inside I miss you sorry for ignoring u I guess it's the best for me cause can't move on sayo still ur in my mind no cap. There's not even a single day na di kita inisip and it's stressing me out. What I did to cope up with it was journaling and expressing my feelings and emotions by typing it. Well loving is really scary it's making me crazy, It's like a fungus where it's affecting my brain making me insane. I know cheating to u is my biggest mistake in life. or let's say cheating is a choice, not a mistake but loyalty is a responsibility, not a choice. Eto waiting sa respond mo sa bati ko sayo, sabi ko sa self ko di nakita guguluhin but eto ginulo ka padin. But still di mo padin mababasa to. Cause I want u to feel bad na baka malaman mo na ganto situation ko now. Before ayoko pa talaga mag journal but right now I realize that It really helps me to reset my mind cause It helps me to forget all the stress In my daily life doing this it's also enhances my skills when it comes to typing which gives satisfaction cause and bilis kona mag type hahahahahah. I will continue journaling till I totally feel happy and joyful in life without having any companion. Need to learn to be alone so that companionship Is not a necessity in my life. Paulina you're my home I know nag hanap ako ng masisilungan but still ur my home ket among gawin ko ikaw at ikaw parin uuwian ko. More than a year alam kona talaga na ikaw para sakin sorry talaga dahil diko ing laban natalo ako ng mind where degrading in my whole life. around nov 27 and December 1, 2020 can't remember the exact date cause I already deleted our conversation
dec 14,2020
yes ur the one who likes me first then one of my friends told me na u like me then after that I texted u, I ask do u have Twitter and what is ur account name. at that time di talaga kita gusto pinili kita kasi I'm bored well true naman and sinabi mo na baka nagustuhan lang kita kasi gusto mo ko. Those days, like I am very immature like I chachat lang kita pag super bored ako like super nag enjoy ako sa teenager things without knowing na may babae pala sa buhay ko then nag ghost kita then after ng days,weeks, and months ng walang contact to each other at all, mag chachat nalang ako bigla na parang walang nangyari yes I have the reasons why nawala ako bigla pero mali ko parin na dikita na sabihin about sa mga days na nawalan ako ng phone hahahahah. sa totoo lang natiis moko u still accept me even tho I did a lot of things to u na nasaktan ka because of me. yes I'm super insensitive di ko man lang inisip na anong mararamdaman mo mga pagdadaanan mo at that time. LIke 1 year din ako naging kabute pausbong usbong. Now na binalikan ko lahat I just releaized na naging reason din ako bat nag karoon ka ng trust issue. bago tayo mag decide to separate akala ko akong lang ung na sasakal to be honest mas mahirap pala dinanas mo kesa sakin being a nonchalant person in like a year. U are very a forgiving person to the point na I take advantage on it na like super kind. din dun sa may last message ko it's like sayo talaga ing blame which is wrong para sakin dahil inisip kolang sarili ko. wala man lang apologize para sa mga ginawa ko sa ung di maganda sa message ko fuck myself. Then ung message mo full of sorry while sakin full of thank u's
I don't deserve ur sorry sa lahat lahat ng ginawa ko sayong katangahan ikaw pa mag sosorry na dapat ako humingi na sorry. need ko lang talga ilabas tong mga thoughts ko kasi after natin mag hiwalay want ko pa bumalik super want ko tayo parin nag relapse ako so many times 4 consecutive days kita iniisip nag reregret sa mga decision kong nagawa nasana lumaban ako for our relation kaso ayaw konang masaktan ka ulit because of me u deserve to be happy and in peace. after natin mag karoon ng closure at that night then pauwi na ako then ikaw papunta sa churh while walking sa daan pinalayo moko pinalipat moko sa kabilang side at that time nagalit talga ako want ko patalaga hawakan kamay mo nun para ihatid ka sa churh eh wala pina layo moko eh I understand naman that u have strict parents pero like ngaung nalang tayo nag kita then papa layuin mo pako but yeah it's all good nanaman kasalanan ko din naman. need kolang gawin to para i's going to be easy for me to move on and wag na gumawa ng katangahan to chat u becuase it's december 24, 2023 and I'm thinking na batiin ka ng merry Christmas but its keep bugging me right now but i will do my best to not chat u whatsoever. yes need kita palayain because it is the best for u. di kona kaya makita kang masaktan ng paulit ulit to the point na tinatago munalang ung mga emotions mong masakit. now im feeling great na ginawa ko un na mag decide to seperate na cause di naman talga ako makakabuti sayo so many days ngaun kolang nalaman na napaka insensitive person ko pala well di konaman i sesend sayo to now but there will be a right time na mabasa mo to. Just need to tell myself lang na no more comebacks na wag nako umasa na magkabalikan becuase un naman ang tama wag na mag kabalikan. kasi ang taong mahal ka will not hurt u so many times. I'm feeling better now kasi nalalabas kona ung mga thoughts inside my head also pratice nadin to for me na memorize ung key bines hahahahaha
I hate myself talaga for doing that to u di ko man lang na paramdam sayo na mahal kita ng sobra di manlang ako nag effort na makita ka or what. dami ko ng nabasa about sa when ur not feeling good then u should write ur thoughts and reflect i guess. what a relief opening up what i feel.