Notes

I would sit there and wait for a call or a text after school everyday and wonder what other people thought of me. I was someone who thought I had the whole world figured out and got fed off of other people showing interest in me. It all started in early high school when my sisters dance friend told her that all the girls at my school thought i was attractive. My sister ended up telling me and at this point every time I looked at a girl I thought I was too good for them. I don't know why I felt this way, but I felt the need to always strive for the best and felt that none of these girls were good enough for me and my good looks. This lead on to sophomore year and at this point I was EXTREMELY anti-social. Not necessarily at this point in particular but pretty much everything leading up to this point also. I did not know what to say in social interactions and I always felt out of place or not belonging in the 'cool' or popular group. And honestly that's all I really wanted, was to be accepted and included. I tried joining various sports teams such as football or baseball and was only focusing on what people thought of me. I was not focused on trying to improve my skills or help the team. In the back of my head while up to bat I could never stop thinking about the judgmental eyes in the bleachers and on my own team. I knew I was bad and everyone else did also, but yet I convinced myself and everyone that I was still good and a strong part of the upperclassmen on the team. Every time I heard people talking about how bad I was or how nonathletic I was, it brewed in my brain like cold bitter wine. That seemed to be all I cared about and my actions started to follow it. I personally felt like I was better and smarter than basically everyone around me and felt a sense of awareness that I thought no one else had. I felt like everyone else were just robots at my school, doing the same thing, cramming for tests, only striving to be 'cool'. For what? Money? Glory? I guarantee if you asked anyone of these kids why they do the stuff they do they would give you a bullshit, stereotypical answer because they haven't thought about it themselves either.
I ended up meeting this girl about halfway through my sophomore year and ended up devoting all my time and effort towards her. And im not even just saying that. It all started a really fucking dumb way honestly, i fucking snap chatted her and asked her for her number. She probably thought it was cool an upperclassmen guy was asking for her number so she probably felt obligated to do it. But in reality she didn't even know who I was. I was a nobody at this point. Just another guy sitting in the classroom that the teacher sometimes marks absent because she still doesn't know his name halfway through the semester. I ended up texting this girl and this was the first girl I had honestly ever had a normal conversation with. It was funny because I seriously like didn't know what to text her and had to overthink the simplest replies and how they can be taken in more than one way or some bullshit like that. Things went well until I actually had to get the fucking balls to go and talk to her in school. I always felt really awkward when talking to her and would plan out what I was going to say to her all day long in class. Because of this my grades in school suffered terribly and my GPA dropped almost .4 points. I would honestly get nervous when I walked past her in the hallway or even saw her name on a piece of paper. However I always acted like I had it all together and that she was the one who was into me, not vice versa. I acted like I was the stronger one but in reality I was a bigger bitch than her. I eventually got to know her better and got the balls to ask her out to homecoming. She said yes even though it was terribly awkward and almost shat my pants when asking her. But at that point after asking her, driving home with my sister, I felt fucking great like I was finally starting to be someone and the time I was investing into something was actually paying off. I was happy. I took the simplest things the hardest ways at this point and cared so much about what she said and what other people said. I tended to overthink everything and always thought that people were out to get me. She had a profile picture on twitter with me in it and I took that very closely to me, it may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but it made me feel accepted and loved. When she started to have 3 other guys on her snap chat best friends and other people started telling me she texts like every other guy, I got extremely jealous. On the outside I acted cool though and ended up going to homecoming with her. Everything was perfect until we got to the dance. The dance was a fucking shit show. Basically I got really jealous when she started to dance with another guy and honestly felt fucking emotionally hurt. She ended up feeling really bad and I talked to her at the dance really awkwardly after because we both had no fucking clue what to say to each other. All i knew was that this little thing I had was fading away. The next day she apologized and-honestly it takes alot of fucking balls to write this-we were both crying because she left me and she felt bad about it. This whole time we had a thing I was always taking advice from other people because i thought that my intentions were never strong enough. I felt that my ideas were stupid and that I would somehow fuck things up. So I did the easy thing and asked for advice from the few friends i had at the time. They all gave me advice that was honestly not that bad, but, they didnt know how I felt and what was going on. I know i should of listened to myself but I never seem to be able to. I always tell myself I am confident and can make decisions, but I am the biggest, most indecisive person out there. So the thing with this girl ended and I didnt know what to do. I felt anger and sadness inside of me which is not a good combo. You feel like a lemon that has already been squeezed, a fucking ball sack with teeth. I ended up just fucking not doing anything about it and tried to get my mind off of her but i never could. The same shit in my head was always repeat itself when I heard her name or saw her tweet. I would always think that she thought the same way about me but she actually friend zoned my ass then got with another guy. At this point I felt like a fucking piece of gum on the sidewalk. I felt like a fucking piece of garbage and had never felt more worthless in my life.
This dude she got with pisses me the fuck off.
I guess its karma tho, or is it because I was told that karma is something that Christians shouldn't believe in. This was my first taste of depression, the fucking appetizer of a 1 star cold ass meal of sadness and too much salt. I ended up just going to bed everynight around 10 o clock and things like videogames didnt even seem to cheer me up anymore. fuck it only gets worse from their i dont think ive changed a bit and thats a fucking bad thing. if you cant learn from your mistakes its bound to repeat itself and honestly now my depression has only gotten worse. its not fun and it is definitely fucking real. fuck i also got addicted to adderall and crave it every fucking day now because it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. it got rid of my anti-socialness, depression, and made me fucking albert einesteins offspring. damnit why is life so cruel.