Notes

Its not all about efforts. Its not "just" Luck either. Its a combination of both. We dont get to have control over the outcomes of our actions.
Yeah
So how does it feel about it?
Fear, Terrifying. It paralyses me to take any action.
Absolutely. its terrifying right
Yeah
And then a part of you might feel that I can overcome it with internal fortitude and strength
Yeah
No thats not what happens. When we face abject terror we get our asses kicked. Thats what happens man. It crushes you. And then you wind up going in your room and playing games and distractions, avoiding you responsibilities and being crushed.
Yeah
So the question is this okay?
No
Wrong



What do you think about these grey statements like destiny, determinism and stuff?
I dont have any clue what will happen but its gonna be bad
So there might be times in you life where you werent sure whats gonna happen but it ended up being bad.
yeah
so its reasonable thing for you to expect.


Beliefs that you have about yourself are very reasonable.
Past experience, future exp
overanalyzing does it make easy or harder?
harder
but analysis goal is to come to a solution
yeah
which is weird right. so the reason





father being abusive to son- if not doing HW then you are in trouble- if didnt ask father for dinner then things will be bad- if left room when father angry then I will be in trouble (taking out anger on me)-

deflecting blame(father always puts blame on me or mom or sister)-

accumulating anger- pushing it down- then it targets you- becaouse its energy and it gotta go somwhere- this is how emotions work

you gotten so good at not feeling anger you dont even know what it loooks like- you are being in an absive relationship eith yourself

you were taught that everything is your fault-


when an owner is being abusive to their dog, the dog over time learns how not to get hit by their owner (survival mechanism)

father deflects blame and you learned that everthing is your fault


ability to vontrol their future:
they think they can control everything and if things dont work out it is their fault only
you feel like you are in control but powerless

you are tryin to shift your life to the world of should- its like if you board that train/track everything will be fine

you are living in fantasy. thats not how it works man. its sad yeah.

you are familiar with fantasy but are you familiar with hope?

its like I dont think Im destined to fail but if I put in the hardwork Ill be able to succeed.

and what exactlt you need to put effort into? towards''

getting my life back where I was. getting back on the success train.

I think thats the wrong answer. success train is an illusion. i think you can be succesfully but that success train is way dirtier than that. theres something about it that seems very vlean and beautiful and alluring to me, i think you will actually succeed its just that I think it will be ,essier than you think.

i like to think that everythink will just workout but thats not the case actually.

yeah Aniket that could be comforting thought but I dont think that things are just gonna workout




























It often bites me the fact that there are people or to be specific there is a person I know who was physically abused by his father, not just him but his mom too when he used to get low grades. They didnt get any help either from neighbours or friends because everyone just used to stay away from them. So it bites me that despite all of this, the boy is better than me. When he has had it worse than me but he is still better than me. His only motive was to study hard get a job and take his mom out of all this. And the fact that he is succesfully doing it makes me feel sad avout myself. That he held himself despite all of this horrible stuff, that he still did well in exams and I did not, that he still maintained to be a decent person but im filled with so much filth, that he ended up having great gang of wholesome friends and all the wholesome stuff hes having out there despite all this, that he also a girlfriend now and they are so incredibly cute, despite all this. And tuen theres me who is shite all over. It makes me feel a lot of shame that when he had it worse yet he got all these things but I wasnt able to.
Karma?
Yeah that is one of the things.
Yeah
And what you are going through isnt anything less. Dont compare your trauma to anyone else. Never compare the pain felt by you to the pain felt by others due to their own reasons. Pain is Pain.