Notes

start work at Rouses TMW. Well real work anyway. That would be stress-inducing enough, but my mom is also going to call the two doctors tmw and get me in whenevers available. One is for consistent pain I have, and the other one is for my mental health. Im quite scared TBH. Though, to be fair, I have been quite scared lately. Im scared, nervous, and anticipating tmw at the same time. Its a cluster F** of emotions RN. But its not as bad as the last time I had so many emotions overshadow me at once, so for that I am immensely grateful.

I guess a little backstory cause 3 weeks (weird that my last comment was 3 weeks ago, cause it felt like one long week to me) is alot of time. In that time I had applied to my local Rouses and got accepted as a cashier. So thats what im going to be doing tmw. On the one hand, I think it will help me 'get out there' more, and make more money, though on the other hand, I think I will be dreading actually going to work for quite a while. I hope ill come arround to liking working there more soon.

Another thing that has happened was during my intital video training for Rouses (you go in just to do the training videos, you arent actually working that day) I got my (this comment got cencored and IDK what so ill replace this word with P******). Which would be fine, except for the fact that I forgot my medicine at home. I had asked my mom to pick me up (after I was done with the videos) cause the (again like above IDK what got censored so... uh p***) was so bad I was holding back tears, and when I had got home I prayed to a god I didnt believe in to stop the pain...again. So now im going to the 'specialized' (IYKYK) doctor begrudgingly. I had tried to write a spence wards comment about the pain, but I gave up halfway though it. I do remember that I had said something along the lines of, "I wish I didnt have a (REDACTED... but im pretty sure YK what it is). I wish I could have surgery to get it removed. Im hoping I have severe endometriosis so I can get it removed. I hope that they figure it out sooner rather then later though, cause it feels like the pain is getting worse with time. It had been the worst pain ive experienced in my life...so IDK what ill do if it gets even worse. "

I had also told my mom that I have been feeling bad emotionally . It was really hard too. But now she says that shes going to schedule a regular doctor visit as well. I have so many feelings about it that I can't articulate. Maybe just apprehension. IDK even that word dosnt emulate exactly what im feeling. IK it will be for the best though.

Ive been distracting myself with painting my PFP on a glass plane I found on the side of the road. I have also been making a purse with wings that I just finished today, though I did not get any happiness from finishing it... maybe theres still work to be done on it then. Though I really like how it came out. It looks like Haibane Renmei's wings if they were weighed down by gravity.
Theres so much I need to do, though theres so little motivation to do anything. I wish I could live inside a blanket burrito. No- I wish I was a bird. Free to fly to wherever the heart desires.I wish the wings on the purse were real so I could fly away. Though to quote Kenshi Yonezu, "despair ensued every time I longed for a pair." I wish I lived in Shelter's MV. I wish I got more enjoyment from living in reality.

Also LOL funny number of comments now (101)elbowcough