Notes

i was reading i need to stop; i keep ending up crying and i cant stop it may be my eyes just being mean but BLs hurt more than getting hit and im being completely serious while im writing this im crying i know none of it is not real i just cant help but be hurt by it why does it not make sense why cant he be normal not a whore kind of i feel bad for him getting used for his body just to get called a whore but its note fair fuck you alex even though your not real i still hate you i should get off of wattpad and manta and tapas and webtoon..... please im not mentally stable i want to be a boy but i dont want to be trans i hate being a female its not fair please i just hate my life because im gay i get mentally abused my ignorant kids like stop the only time i bully people is when im on roblox because when im on a game or irl i get so scared to speak because i just want people to leave me alone i want to sit alone and never wake up im currently in school and dont have real friends the ones i have make me insecure and im probably weird i get called weird i might sound cringe and a pick me but no one understands me but people online like tictok they make me feel happy im always scared to say something because people stop liking me because of the stuff i like and the way i look but i got bullied so bad in 4th to 5th grade i stopped eating for half the summer that i lost a lot of weight that people started commenting on my body saying "oh wow you lost a lot of weight" and every time they said something about it i get uncomfortable. now i hit or get sad or mad because im a normal human being and eat i hit myself call myself names and putting myself down and i still do it i cant do anything and now half the people at school know im gay but the thing is I'm bisexual and im more attracted to boys so im barely gay but i want to be a boy im weird retarted i tried to kill myself but i didn't have anything to kill myself with i searched up painless ways to kill myself because im a pussy ungrateful brat i deserve nothing no matter how much i try i cant stop eating im gross fucking weird and deserve to be killed i touch myself i hate it but im too scared to ask for help i know i should but i cant because my guidance teacher told me some stuff that made me not want to do anything about it even though i thought i would get help and the effort the courage of me asking help but im sitting here knowing i cant do it knowing i have no right no way of me getting the help i need im to scared to ask for help to scared to kill myself i want to do it but i dont feel comfortable in my body i dont have the courage to wear the stuff i want to dress the way i want because how bad i got bullied the way i got teased about my dimple chin by my own sister that in covid when we were in school we got to wear masks and i was a little happy because i got a chance to hide my insecurity but after covid i was scared to take off my mask i didnt want to get bullied but no surprise i got bullied for my weight so now im not going to eat im going to hold myself back and if i eat i will hurt myself and if i dont which i probably wont i will be calling myself names i try to be happy but the amount of trauma i have not just from my insecurities but from the way i got told i was being dramatic by my mom when i was in 6th grade when i was going to school and i wanted to stay home because it was gym and i hate gym because i was insecure about how i looked and when i walked out of my mom's car i started walking up the school but then i tears started to roll down my face i ran back to my mom's car and she said she was embarrassed by me because i ran back to the car. sometimes i feel like i need to die as i already said because im not a boy and how girls get bullied for not being skinny but guys dont sometims maybe guys get bullied but as a girl we aren't noticed until we are rich, pretty, or dead and i don't think thats fair im sad because i want to be a girl but also want to be a boy so i can make ga sister clean up after him called us names like ungrateful stupid ass kids so loud i could hear it from my room upstairs i open my front door windows every time my parents would argue so i could get help i know im not mentally stable but am to scared to ask for help because of my age and am disgusted at myself and dont think i can get help until im old enough to im planning on to move away from here but thats for the future me when i get better from the trauma and thats for the future me i dont think my dreams will come true like how i want to be a boy. i want to cut my hair short but my mom says I can't because it too long and lushes, but I digress. this is all i feel like writing right now i want rest because i have to pick up my little brother form school and its 12 am right now goodnight people and see you soon future me. y jokes so i can like a guy as a guy maybe i read to many BLs and honestly i have but i also want to share some things my dad has done and now he's is jail probably going to be there for 10 to 9 years but he gave me a lot of trauma and manipulated me hurt me and i just want help first is how he thinks he can move back in when he "gets out" he thinks he's going to get out earlier than he is i cant have him in the same house as me or im really going to kill myself he made me and my sister clean up after...... this is stupid...... ........
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