Notes

The reason I stay is because I love you, but Im attached to you. I dont want you thinking Im only with you because Im very attached to you or anything, it isnt that I feel forced and I dont know if you read the message in the groupchat since I did say all of this and you didnt reply and just left, but I do love you alot, I just stopped showing it alot because of everything we've had happen up to now. As much as I want to love you as much as I did before, Im honestly terrified and alot more overwhelmed with alot smaller things ruining my days. I just question everything now and panic over everything, even just you replying 30 minutes late. I used to try to ignore that but now it makes me think for an hour or two about what youre doing or what Im doing wrong.I try to talk to you but its started to feel a bit useless at this point. Whenever I bring something up and try to say something, or do something, not much happens, I feel like youve begun to ignore them or just not care, especially with the replies. Im not saying you need to send paragraphs back like I do, but I would like to ask you dont spend as long thinking about what to say whats in it. I know its a bit scary but, Ive begun thinking if you just do other things every time when you stop typing then start typing a few minutes later, like you just talk to others or do games. I just feel like you dont take it as serious at times. Or dont care when you dont reply.

I usually end up feeling worse whenever that happens, but Ive also stopped bringing everything up, since the last few times I brought up the big things that ruined me you redid them, got mad at me, or you didnt show you cared. I know you try not to show how you feel or what you all do, but I really need to see signs like that to be honest. You hide everything from me, and Im someone who needs everything to be shown to me, or told to me. Like the 'I love yous". I kept asking you to say it back because when you didnt, I thought you just didnt love me back for awhile.

I dont want you to say I dont want to do much. Ive been asking for days to do things together, last night I tried to play games with you and you left, I tried to do minecraft and everytime you randomly left after an hour or kept going afk and I just assumed you were messaging people so I stopped asking to do that and let you play with others, for roblox I kept adding you to play and then nothing and again, decided to just let you be with others. I kept inviting you over to my house and you did come over a few times which Im very happy for, I loved it, but you turned me down much more so I gave up on inviting you to do things unless I think itd help and is needed., I kept offering to go out and do stuff and everytime it was denied or cancelled, I kept offering to stay afterschool and again, turned down. I kept offering to go to your house and turned down, but youve said its your uncle and aunt and thats why which I understand. Ive been trying to do things but I dont know what I can do that I havent already done. I dont want to force you to do things with me, or pressure you to. If you want to do things with others Im not going to force you to switch to be with me and if you dont want to do something Im not going to drag you out of bed, Ill simply just let you be with others and Ill do my own things.

Incase the "nor want to" is for talking and not the doing much part, do you know how badly I want to talk to you? Almost everytime we talk youre talking to your friends so you reply late so I start doing other things. I dont know if youve noticed but everytime you genuinely focus on me and stay in the chat so its just us talking, I talk for as long as I can until you start doing other things. the last time this happened was at the doctors, in which my doctor forced me to put my phone done to do the checkup, I even asked to go to the bathroom just so I could keep talking to you for a bit longer but then had to go back and she took my phone so Id get my shots and medicine and everything I needed. it was when I sent you that photo of me when my eyes and hair looked like shit, I had been a mess all week and hadnt been sleeping so she wanted me off my phone to do all of it.





if you think I dont care much you have to be insane. I care about you more than anything, everything you do sticks to me, and youre always on my mind. I promise everytime I try to sleep I think about you. everytime Im with my friends I think about you and try to talk to you. everytime Im alone I think about you, youre on my mind all throughout the day, everyday. it doesnt matter what happens, youre on my mind and Im thinking about you.

I stopped showing it after you did. almost everything you dont like me doing currently has been things youve done and said I could do back in december-january. I want to stop doing them but I really dont think Im able to until things start getting better.

leaving you on read? you left me on read for weeks and told me I didnt have to reply. you said "you dont have to" when I brought up how you always leave me on read on apps and I mentioned how I always reply. so I gave up on replying so much. You also said youd rather be left on read then me reply dry

Replying dry? you kept asking me to stop unadding you and blocking you when things fuck me up, so I reply dry when Im messed up from something that happened

making friends of the opposite gender? youve done that so many times.. and I matched pfps with them, you did that when we were dating in december and in january. For when we agreed to stop matching with the other gender, I forgot about that entirely when you started getting close to others so I backed away. You didnt match pfps first, you were doing more with in person people and then your old friends so I didnt think itd matter if I used a profile picture twice with my male friends, I have screenshots of me asking my male friends to use the girl profile parts of profile pictures for jokes we were making. I understand you didnt know it was with a boy though but when you did it too with actual boys I started doing it with female friends that asked me to. which I still do apologize for and feel bad for because I shouldnt have. Im sorry for doing this and not saying anything.

Replying late? youve done that this entire relationship and still do, so Ive started distracting myself to the point discord closes out and I have to refresh the page for it to show messages, also kind of goes with not replying, you said I dont have to reply.

Everything you hate that I do, are things youve given me the okay to do and things youve been doing yourself, far before I did them. I started doing them after you stopped caring about me in february, and during that is when I was getting really depressed again. I honestly cant do shit anymore. I cant eat, I cant clean up, I cant sleep, I cant have fun, I dont want you thinking this will just go away or its because of you. It isnt because of you, its the stupid shit my parents have done to me that I need to get over but I just honestly cant. I gave you a snippet of what they did in that 4k word notes app thing I sent you. ive vented for years to one guy and if you want to read it, you can. I can give you my password for discord and you can look at whatever you want. If you want my insta password or tiktok password l will give it to you aswell but, Ive barely used it besides to talk to you or check on you. just let me know what you want and Ill give it to you.

I want to say, no Im not saying "I can do these things because you did" or "only because youve done them" Im trying to explain why Ive done them, and Im not saying theyre good or correct for me to do. This isnt an excuse for what Ive done and I do still feel bad an apologize for all of it, Im just trying tell you why I did it and try to give you a way to see it as other than just me being an asshole, because I really dont want you to see me like that. I dont want you to think or see me as a dick, I know I am at times but Im trying not to be. I dont want to be.