Notes

I love you kennedy
and I don't want you to think that I'm trying to take you for granted or don't care about your feelings because I do and I deeply consider how you feel or how I think you would ab something,, and all of my actions are with the intent to make you happy
and I admit I need to do better at respecting your boundaries and feelings
and it's something that I'm actively trying to get better at doing by in the moment understanding the context of the issue and how it really came to be especially in times when I feel like we're arguing two different things to each other that could both be true at the same time
and as for my reason for never speaking up besides for when you have done so already,,
I feel like I've been told not to on multiple occasions when I was more open and livelier about my feelings
and I understand that I should tell you how I feel more but I need you to understand that's not an easy thing to do
when in my head all I see coming from me opening up is dismissal of my feeling or ultimately turning into my feelings being
caused by something of my fault that I need to change. and I get that I need to take accountability for how my actions make you feel and how it will eventually cause you to do stuff that I can't blame you for. But, I've noticed over time that when I was bringing stuff to you it would always go into your reasoning and at the root being something I did to you. and while it took a while to see dam Im hurting her and shes reacting and that's why she feels she isn't wrong here I was unreasonably trying to argue you on any point I could because I wanted you to acknowledge at least one of the ways I felt and when I felt like I couldn't get you to understand or acknowledge any of the ways it genuinely made me feel like why keep trying to make you understand me and even now while I want to try to communicate openly I think about how you tell me that you understand me but yet have never had you really acknowledge my problem. and if you think of that from my pov the person I talk to the most is you with the others being family who I don't talk about our relationship to so only person left I can talk about our relationship to is Marco and I barely talk to him and when I have it hasn't been ab issues in our relationship, so effectively I have no one to vent about our relationship to. ig I'm saying like being told to consider your feelings would be to think of your feelings and do things not to hurt them, so if ik we won't be able to have a productive conversation or it'll lead to one of us feeling a type of way honestly why wouldn't I keep the problem to myself and try not to show any emotions ab it?and ik it's not healthy but I know telling you how I feel and every time getting the same negative response back wasn't healthy either but I don't see there being another outcome,, and I think this has lead us into me changing my default behaviors for you but there being no motive for you to do the same or actually consider mine. and this plus others does make it hard to emotionally want to be in a relationship with you.
and for this situation specifically I'm sorry for giving the energy that I didn't want to affirm you ab your cooking, bc 1 it was really good and 2 I love praising you for being dope.
and to get into why I reacted that way and what I meant by seeing it from my pov I just felt like knowing number 2(I love praising you for being dope) would have made you think differently from me just trying to fuck with you by not telling you how the food was,, I also apologize for the way I handle trying to tell you how I feel about a situation or my side of it when I'm in the wrong I think I need to choose my words and tone better but also just understand when that should be needed if even or if you want me to cut my explanation out completely lmk.
Also Im not sure if you noticed but if you do think I should continue to give my side of stories I think there's a lot of times when I tell you my side with no intentions to argue or undermine how you feel or what you said, you try to slam how I felt or what I thought(not in the way of "well you couldn't have been thinking about my feelings if you thought that")
But to end this Kennedy I want to say I'm sorry for not yet having the self-awareness needed to always encompasses your feelings and I'm trying to break my bad patterns so we can have a healthier relationship. and I'm going to try to get better at conflict resolution for the sake of our relationship but I do ask for a little bit of grace in times where it's needed because while I'll try my hardest to give your opinions and feelings all the respect and empathy I'd just like for you to do the same for me
I LOVE YOU!