Notes

I'm sorry Julian

Honestly if youre reading this I either I choose to show you or I killed myself. You know I'm never going to forgive myself for what I did. I was.your breaking point and you were going to kill yourself.tonight. I feel like a shell of a person I genuinely don't feel anything. Maybe I am a fucking manipulator and a gaslighter. I mean just look at this note I'm only bitvhing about myself. I honestly should've let you leave me. I only seem to bring disaster to my relationships. I mean dani, lily, hans, March have all left me because it's clear I just play the victim and eventually the people in friends with become self aware and realize how awful I am. Honestly I deserve to beaten and bruised.for.what I did to you. There I go again I always make things about me. Maybe that test was.right maybe I am just a fucking psycho who can't feel.
God I sound so pathetic but that's probably just what I am a disgusting pathetic manipulator who's guilting you into staying. I can't even cry sure I let out a few tears when you found out but that was probably because I was caught which shows in nothing more than a.disgusting gaslighter trying to gain sympathy. I wish that I succeeded in killing myself it would've protected you from me. This sounds so much like I'm guilt tripping. You know what I'm not going to ever show you this. So now that you're never going to see this might as well get real honest. I really broke my sh clean I got pretty far I think I was at like seven months or something. I'm going back to starving myself because whats the point anymore. When I look at myself in the mirror I want to cut my body apart. Yk I really thought that last night I was going to do it. Finally get rid of myself. I would've taken a.knife and walked to where I knew no one wouldve found me. I was so do close. Kinda funny huh? You're always the one about to die but I almost beat you too it. If I decide to do it tonight I would take all the painkillers in the house before grabbing a knife and waking down into the canyon. I would sit on the bridge down there think before stabbing myself and lashing my wrists before plummeting into the cold water. I would probably drown before the stab wound could kill me. You know drowning is the one way I've dreamt about that's why I know so much, that last bit of peace would be so incredible. No thoughts, no nothing, besides the endorphins. Sure it's a painful way to die but it'll only be momentary. Life is only momentary. You can replace me. You can't be replaced but I can. There are so many other white girls like me, I mean look at ana she's perfect. Better for you in everyway. I'm the opposite I just drain you, push you to suicide, make you feel guilty for even being yourself around me. It's clear I shouldn't have stayed around and if hadn't I could've saved you so much pain. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. Tell ana and Harper im sorry for making them have to see you in pain because of me. I love you or at least in the closet way to it I can find. I've always known I was broken and I should've just accepted and gotten rid of myself years ago so you and everyone you know wouldn't have been hurt by me. I always was just a shell of person.

Good bye,
Eleni

Take care of super senior for me?