Notes

Wednesday, July 13, 2016 - Today I found out that I have compulsive masteurbation disorder. I wasn't sure at first, but as I read on, I realized it described me perfectly. I says that many people think that it's just an exuse to rape. It's not. I am a huge gender-equallity activist, and even when I am looking at porn I still hate it when I see woman being abused. I mean, if there are so many woman (pornstars) out there that want to show you their body, then why forse someone that's unwilling? As it says, every time I am so into it and all I want is porn. God commonly tries to stop me, but I won't listen. One time, at least five major things went wrong, like my shower curtain and rod falling off, but I still would stop. I could never stop. As it says, right after the first drop of sperm comes out, I am discusted and I never want to do again. until later that day or the next day. Ussaly I do it once a day, but sometimes multiple times. If I really work hard to not think about it, I can go a week to two. I have gone mounths, but that was when I thought I was getting over it. I've looked up porn and mastuerbated with my sisters phone and at least half of my family's devices, but when I'm around people I instantly do not like porn. It's not that I'm not being my self, it's just like I am being my self at both times. Sometimes, like when I am around new people, I may not be myself, but this is not like that. I am being myself either way. Every couple of times I swere I'll never do it again, but I do. Just days or even hours later. One time, I did it with my sister's phone, and I turned off the screen (put it to sleep) in the middle ofa porn video. Her phone has a passcode so I was freaking out, and I turned the phone completely off, launched the camera, and even took out the battery, just so she would not find out. I was thinking that my life was over (exagurativly) and I was even coming up with how I would get away and be able to live on my own (of course I knew this was practially impossible, but I had no other choice. I prayed and prayed swaring I would never do it again, and she didn't figure out. I was saved. But I did it again. And again and again. And again and again and again and again and again. And everytime I hated everything about porn with the first drop that came out. Today I figured who I am. They say it can be cause by sex adiction. But I can't stop. I've tried and tried and tried and tried but I can't. Is this who I am?