Notes

blue eyes, brown hair
was what i looked for
kathan was the match.
i felt the love there
was real.

he told me on BBM,
i love you
i was young and was relieved,
because finally.
i believed to feel any amount of self love
i needed to be loved.

if i could go back, would i?
no.
because from my hell, i learnt how to love myself
because of him.
he helped me but, he was manipulative.

i changed myself for him, i only felt the high with him,
when he was angry with me i felt i deserved nothing.
i changed myself for him.
i stopped the self hate.
i stopped the self harm.
for a while.
when he was mad,
i was sad.

sad.
the sort of sad where you don't want to be alive.
and how i coped was to make reminders of what a disappointment i was
all over my thighs.
no one knew
and ive thrived
to who i am now.

i wouldn't change what happened because
i wouldn't be where i am now.
blue eyes, brown hair.
i hated my eyes
because of the bullying
the brown never seemed pretty.
but blue, was like the skies.
pretty.
i never loved brown eyes, until
i looked into some that weren't my own.

love is what i feel.
kathan told me of love but sonnie showed me love.
and i'm sorry
sonnie
i'm not good with words
or actions
im not good at most in fact.
but my love
is real.

honestly,
i'm still figuring out love
i dont understand how.
how you know.
how you show it.
how you do it.
i'm happy to find out with you.

i think i first knew when you'd left my house
as i watched you walk away.
from my front window.
i smiled because i thought you looked so amazing
you look amazing.

brown eyes, brown hair
brown stomach.
i'm not good with words.
i know you're not the best at expressing yourself.
but do take
these words as a clear notice
that i love you.




i didn't know how to fit this in

do i know how to love



he's slept beside me and he'll have dribbled on my bed and i love him
he'll be on his phone and i love him


i fear rejection even though he loves me

i was different with kathan, and now i'm different with sonnie. I'm me with sonnie but i'm not completely me
i don't show my emotions and i wish i could because i adore him





if i managed to send you this sorry its gay fuck my life you've wanted to know and i can't get the words out
i wrote what was in my head down and this shit came out but it's easier than speaking.which im bad at.