Notes

how long do i have to wait
what if what he says comes true
what if he hurts us
hes my father and i love him
he's my family
he scares me
he scares my mum and sister
he scares the cat
he isn't welcoming
he'd rather be with his friends than be with his family
mondays are the days i dread
but not because of work or school
it's because dad goes out and gets drunk
he comes back in a state, he cannot walk
he wants to talk about life, how despairing it is and how it's full of nothing but disappointment and how it's dangerous and tries to make me fear the outside world, not like i'm not afraid already
im scared of the future i dont want to grow up i sometimes dont want to live
lifes hard and it only gets harder is his outlook
his childhood was hard and so he's brought it to us.
mondays are the argument days, but so is saturday and sunday if im lucky.
everyday if im unlucky
we dont see eye to eye, he calls me a hippie and i call him a racist.
like father like son, he wanted a son and he got two daughters
he drinks because he can't deal with what his life has become
i drink because i cant deal with what my life has become
we hope for better
he says we're the same but we're not
i stay positive while he is negative
he doesnt see the beauty in this world
my friends dont always either
i'm weird and they laugh because how beautiful life is through my eyes
i'd be dead without the kindness of some people and the world.
a flower is a flower and a leaf is a leaf
but you stand on it and i see more
i want to cherish it all and i know there are others who love the world like me
i wish i knew them
instead i have a father who hates the people in the world
just like me
but he hates their appearance
and i hate him
for he's the one who will cut down a tree
because he wants a new chair
benefiting only himself, the greed takes over
why do people hate people who want to look after the world
why are we laughed at
when the world dies we die
but maybe it's better that way


do i know how to love
i love him
sonnie
i loved kathan or so i said i did maybe i was tricked into it
i never felt the emotion just his hands on mine and around me
sometimes on my face and in my hair
he said it all the time
as a constant reminder that he needed to let me know
sonnie has said it a few times
i'm shy to say it and when i mean it it's only said in my head
i look at him and i love him
ive looked at him as he walks away and i love him
he's slept beside me and he'll have dribbled on my bed and i love him
he'll be on his phone and i love him
i thought kathan was cute and i think i loved him as i wanted to care for him
i have a soft heart like my mother
i want to care for sonnie too but im afraid
i dont know how
i feel i used up my love for someone i did not
my first
i love sonnie and i've told him but im not good at speaking
no matter how hard i try my throat will hurt and nothing will come out
i fear rejection even though he loves me
i feel his love with his hands i know he's not good at showing it either
we're both bad at expression and i hope i can make it clear to him.
i used to dislike brown eyes, i thought they were boring, but his eyes are lovely
they're darker than mine
i was different with kathan, and now i'm different with sonnie. I'm me with sonnie but i'm not completely me
i don't show my emotions and i wish i could because i adore him