Notes

sometimes my life doesnt go as i planed and sometimes not everything goes my way but soon enough as my life moved on i realised that what you want is never going to happen if you don't put the effort into it, but sometimes when people tell you to put the effort in they realise half way through that that isnt what they want . when someone you love dearly tells you that you dont talk to them about stuff you should enough and you go and talk to them about it its difficult because they can either appreciate that you are telling them or the can not listen to you and tell you forget about everything that has happend. My life isnt full of happiness unless im with the person i love and when im not not him then i feel empty i feel like the last little water drop that is stuck to the side of an empty glass but when he is away he is so free and opened and happy like the first take off from a tiny bird that had just left hes mother and i dont understand..... someone can be gone for a long period of time and be as happy as ever but the other person can be nothing without their presents and the when they come home they are sad and dont want you affection or attention and that makes the other person drained and emotional because they can sit there and say they love you but not be happy being with you ? i know that if i fall in love for my first time it will be special and therefore you would want to make it last with the one you love deeply but there is a point that you can reach where it is just too much for the other person to handle and i have reached that point, and it is hard.
this relationship i am in has lasted me 9 months and the first 3 months where calm but as i started to experiment what love was it got harder and harder for me and im back to trying to understanding what it is anymore and i need a gap i can fall into to let me know i have him......and i know in my heart i have exactly the right man ! 8 months ago i got the first paragragh i have ever recived from a boy to let me know how much he appreciates me and how happy he is that he had found me and its fliped around to arguing and making up screaming to kissing and for him hate to love again.....and i can feel it , i can feel my heart being shattered like the deapth of hes first love and it is holding on to that last nerve, now by that last nerve you have probably got yourself thinking im going to end it but i am far from that......actually i am the complete oppisite ? being on this last nerve is a benifit for myself to keep myself happy to make arguments and fights end on my behalf taking the fight upon myself so we can be happy as a couple faster but when the nerve breaks off there will be absalutely no feeling in my heart whats so ever i will be dead but still breathing. if an argument starts i will say im sorry and walk out i will blame each and everything on myself and i will do my best to make him the happy one out of the both of us and do you know why ? because i would much rather see my baby boy happy than anyone in the world and if winning any battle makes him feel better i will lose for him because i will love him and have loved him unconditionaly since the 16/8/15. this relatinship is far from any others and i am in love with that thought because it makes me hapy to think we are our own version of the rest. i look at all the stuff he has said to me in the past 9 months and i look back and think besides be clingy want attention and mess up on normal things constantly what have i ever aimed at him ? nothing because i belive that if you truly love someone you show them in anyway possible, if he texts me at 12:03 i will get to that message as soon as i can because it is not that hard to keep your baby happy but if i sent him a message it would be 1 hour late because messaging your girl back is not of a mans prority list.
every annaversary i write a paragraph letter to my boyfriend and when it was our first month of dating and he wrote one back to me i was the happiest girl on the plannet and i got about 2 back including that one and on our 9 month annaversary he told me that he doesnt like writing long thigs so he just changes the words in mine ? for a man to say a simple thing like that puts a girl in question of why she is not worth hes own words and it will kill a little bit more part by part.