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Sometimes my depression and BPD hit in waves. It happens unexpectedly and it feels like there's a huge vacuum sucking up everything inside. I can physically feel it in my chest. All my negative emotions flood into my head and chase out the positive feelings. I have no control of these happenings and I hate not being in control of things. Especially last night when I couldn't find my keys, I felt like I was losing my mind. I sat on the floor for an hour and started crying. Even just writing this makes me tear up. I can never put how I'm feeling into words unless it's 5 AM and I haven't gone to sleep yet -- which is exactly what I'm doing right now.
I hate how I'm like this. I wish I wasn't like this, not one bit. I have no idea what triggers it, either. I hate how this affects me every day without warning. I don't know why I'm like this. I love you so much and I don't want this to get in the way of how I feel about you. My heart swells with all the love I have for you and I'm trying my hardest to keep my mental illnesses from ruining it.
So here's your cute note. Right now, I'm all alone in the dark typing this on my sister's laptop listening to sad songs and scrolling through Tumblr. The thing I want the most? Well, a personal recording booth in my basement and a free month vacation in Tennessee, but that's not the point. I want YOU to be here the most. I want your protection against my reoccurring demons and your warmth to comfort me. I want to bury my face deep into the crevice of your neck, I want you to wrap your arms around me and kiss my forehead. I want you to wipe away the tears that should be falling as I type but refuse to fall. I want you to tell me that it's okay to cry. I want to be able to cry, I want to feel the sweet release of the tears falling down my cheeks while I let it all out into the open, I want to be able to cast my anxieties upon God, I want to find comfort in knowing He's listening to me (1 Peter 5:7) (Yes, I read the bible).
As I close this note, I want you to know that I will never leave you and that I want to have a happy future with you and Brisbane. I want to make the best of what I can with what I have.
I love you,
Emma (Kittie)
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