Notes

I stumbled upon Christina's channel in 2013 I think, I was watching music on youtube with auto play on, and her cover of counting stars came on, and I didn't know this voice so I clicked on her youtube channel just to know who she is.

Then i found out she was on the voice and even though I never watched the voice, I felt proud of her, even though I didn't know her. Then I just went off and left her, to watch some one else's youtube videos. That was the last time I saw her, I completely forgot about her. Not because I was distracted, it was because at the time I didn't have any interest in her or her music, I knew she was a great person from seeing the stuff I did see,

but I never went further with her, I didn't check up on her or anything. A few hours after she died I was feeling bored so I checked this streamer's twitter to see if he was going to stream, and then I saw that he wrote a tweet that said "#RIPChristinaGrimmie Such unbelievable news. May she rest in peace." And when I saw that I didn't fell anything, because I had forgotten her name.

So at the time I had no idea who this girl was, so I googled her name. And when I first saw that picture of her in the red top with the fedora-like hat, I just immediately started crying. And for every day since then I have been at war with my self, trying to keep all my emotions inside. But I couldn't stop searching her name and looking at photos of her and posts about her death, and while I am doing this I am listening to songs to keep me from breaking down. But the day before I had to reinstall Chrome, and I keep all the music that i like in a bookmark folder. So when I reinstalled it I had to bookmark everything again, and when I found out I listened to music and google searched her and all that. But all the music that I had gotten to bookmark again, was all sad songs. There were two songs that I played over and over because of the lyrics.

For the first one the lyric that I focused one was "even though your the only one I see". At the time I was looking and focusing on pictures of Christina, and this just made me want to not exist any more.

The second song has the lyric "So tell me when your hear my heart stop" and "Tell me when you hear my silence". I couldn't stop thinking about what happen to her, and I connected what happen to her with the lyrics, so I just couldn't stop crying.

And there was this one line that kept repeating "There's a possibility". This made me think that there is was a possibility that what happen wasn't true and that it was just a dream or a hoax. and every time I was about to cry I tensed my face and kept the tears in. It was only till later that I allowed a few tears slip, And I was scared of feeling this way and these emotions because I had never experienced grief before, I didn't leave my chair at all and I still haven't I just don't want to do anything but look at pictures of her and watch videos of her.

I didn't know what to do with grief so I kept it inside. I found out that she was christian so for some reason my belief in the existence of god increased, because I wanted her back no matter what the cost, I even shouted at god for not interfering and saving her. She managed to make me grieve for the very first time in my life, even though I didn't know her. Every time I see the word death or shot or anything like that I remember Christina and I feel like there is nothing important left in the world. I can't even say or write what happen to Christina because my mind refuses to accept it.

It still confuses me why I am so impacted by her death, because I didn't know her at all, I had no interest in her when I first saw her back in 2013. But I feel like I can't live without her, And I don't want to let her go, I know that some day I will get over it and I will continue living normally, I know that holding on won't do any good, and it's not that I CAN'T let her go, it's just that I DON'T want to. Even as I am writing this I have her twitter open, her twitch open, I have a google images tab with images of Christina, I have her Facebook open, I have her Instagram open, I have her youtube channel open and a google news tab of Christina. I just don't want to let her go.

I cant wrap my head around why someone who had no significance in my life and someone who I wasn't even interested in, has impacted me so much, And because I left her and forgot about her I feel guilty about wasting 3 years of my life NOT making memories of her. every person's speech about this says that we should cherish the memories we have of her, but I don't have any memories of her, so while every one else is thinking about all the funny and great times they had with her, I am sitting here at my computer staring at pictures of her, and this makes me sad because these are the moments I am gonna remember her by, which is me crying while looking at pictures of someone who I missed out on. Christina was the most important thing in this world that has existed... and I missed it. Because of this I will never be able to be at peace with my self, I will never be part of TeamGrimmie, I will never be able to support her dreams, I will never get a hug from her, I will never get a response from her when I comment on her media, I will never exist in Christina's world. This is why I don't want to let her go, this is why I can't fully accept that she is gone. The only memory I have is leaving her and thinking that she is just some youtuber...

I wish I never left her.